How about some Gross Generalizations??

[SolidMechanic]

I think the first red flag for me here is the assumption that sex equals intimacy.

How is the desire for sex as a pre-condition to relational intimacy (to "lube" the relationship) any different than the desire for relational intimacy as a pre-condition to sex (to "lube" the sex)? Other than difference of preconditional type?

Dear Mrs. NOP,

I think the two kinds of intimacy are interrelated in a marriage. Relational intimacy can occur when there is no sex, as long as the decision to forgo sex is mutual between the two partners. In the more usual case, when one partner frequently turns down the other partner, the other partner feels alienated by rejection, leading to a downward spiral that kills intimacy. I am in a situation now with my wife where I am trying to improve intimacy without any sex life, or even a promise of a sex life, because I want to break this cycle. I think in my case, relational intimacy may be the best place to start because it may be an easier place to start. Not that my wife is particularly interested in either relational intimacy or sex, but at least she is more receptive to the former.

And people can certainly have sex without relational intimacy, but it is unsatisfying in the long term. It is where you were with NOP when the "tossed plate" incident occurred, and where Corri is in her M now.

For most married couples, it is crippling to separate the two forms of intimacy, but we tend to start with one or the other when we've lost both, simply because it is more manageable. But eventually, in order to achieve a fulfilling marriage, both relational and sexual intimacy need to be integrated.

SM