Quote: How is the desire for sex as a pre-condition to relational intimacy (to "lube" the relationship) any different than the desire for relational intimacy as a pre-condition to sex (to "lube" the sex)? Other than difference of preconditional type?
I don't think it is any different, but that doesn't necessarily make it any more acceptable to the HD spouse. Now admittedly, in my relationship my LD spouse is emotionally withholding as well as sexually withholding so my sich is more complicated, but even if it was a simple case of tit for tat, I might feel that "sexual withholding" was a "deal breaker" in that it was beyond the scope of what I felt like I could reasonably deal with in a relationship. There would be no compromise that I could make with integrity, in the same way that there would be no compromise I could make with integrity in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Perhaps, the fact that I was a cr*ppy housewife would make my H feel like I didn't respect him, perhaps this would make him angry, perhaps his anger would cause him to yell something emotionally abusive at me. IMO the solution to this problem wouldn't be for me to become a better housewife. The solution would be for him to learn better ways to express his frustration than by yelling insults and the only way that is going to happen is if I refuse to stay in a relationship in which I am verbally abused. I understand that LD folk can't help that their emotional reaction to relationship difficulties is to shutdown sexually, but the solution IMO is not to figure out how to avoid relationship difficulties, the solution is to figure out how to avoid having that reaction. Otherwise, the HD spouse is under continuous pressure to exhibit "good behavior" in order to avoid celibacy. This is why Corri's H has such a difficult time saying what she wants to hear. Nobody wants to get laid as a reward for good behavior (except in the joking context of a tease). It is frustrating to have to "pay" for something that most married people get for free. IMO this is especially true for us HDW since even the cultural bias is telling us that if anything WE ought to be the ones who are "getting paid". This is why I said in one of my earlier posts that I would like to be in a relationship where the economics were simpler and I could get a f*ck for a f*ck and a hug for a hug.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
