Mrs NOP, you took that well! Your point of view is very helpful. I read your post over several times, but it hasn't quite sunk in. Bf and I both want sex and intimacy. I want both more than he wants both (as near as I can tell(I'm the one pushing for both). His needs in BOTH departments seem to be less than mine. He waits for me to initiate sex, R discussions, visits to therapists, then he goes along. In other areas (shopping, cooking, laundry) he does not wait for me but steps up to the plate and does his part. Not sure if this has anything to do with your post. I'll read it again tomorrow.

Green, I'm very willing to change in whatever way will constitute greater mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health for ME. I'M the one who's been in therapy for 30 years. But I'd be lying if I said I don't hope to see a change in him. I'm not satisfied with this part of our R. I'm not working on this so I'LL become okay with no sex, because I think a R with no sex isn't very healthy. But of course, I'm focusing on ME and how I need to change. I just revealed to y'all my hidden agenda. Believe me, I am NOT on his case about this. I know that would be counterproductive.

When he was drinking a lot, I went to alanon. Not to get him to stop (they warn you that that doesn't work), but I knew that I also was not going to become "okay" with his drinking. I was going to take care of myself and get okay with myself. I knew that if he didn't stop drinking, I would leave him. As it was, the surgery came along and that was the break we both needed (in both senses of the word). If he hadn't stopped at that point, I would already be gone.

One of my first posts on this board was about sex after sobriety. If anyone saw the re-run of Sex in the City last night, Carrie's guy said he had never had sex sober before. That's my bf. I think there are some unique circumstances surrounding LD and being newly sober.