Let me just run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes.
Did I mention this is a gross generalization? But I'm always searching for patterns. Or maybe this stuff is already obvious to everyone but me. Does it seem that IN GENERAL the LD person:
1) is more in need of being taken care of in order to want to be intimate (examples: GEL's husband likes the house clean; it makes him feel cared for. Wilde's wife what's to share decision-making even in small things like where to go for dinner. Corri wants her husband to take an interest in her projects. HD's want these things, too, but they are not a pre-condition of intimacy.) 2) wants the HD to take the emotional risk (resists initiating sex; often reluctant to say what's bugging them) 3) wants the HD to do the major work of the R-- not the "work" around the house, but the emotional work (HD has to initiate convos about the R, finds the C, etc.)
As I said in another thread, I used to accuse my husband of "hiding in the bushes" while I stood in the clearing revealing myself, sticking my neck out, taking the emotional risks. LDs seem more private, self-protective, defensive (if you will), sensitive to criticism... well, here goes: LAZY (when it comes to the R). There I've said it.
Did I mention these were GROSS generalizations? (Here come the frying pans!)
I definitely see your point. LD's are not willing to put effort into the marriage. But in my case and in many others, the LD spouse is too dang busy with other so-called important things to be concerned with such things as intimacy.
I'm pretty lazy when I have time off. I want to enjoy life. What could be more relaxing than some quality nookie with the one you love? Ah, no! There is shopping to be done, repairs to be made. Dangit, there's always something getting in between just her and me.
I think the LD's should take a break from the fast lane. LD's don't see the importance of a romantic dinner or a weekend away, or a walk in the park. Love needs quiet time to grow. Maybe LD's avoid quiet time because when you are constantly busy and preoccupied, difficult questions about yourself are easy to ignore.
I mean that LD's are busy and they work, they just want someone else to do the EMOTIONAL work of the relationship. They're fine with household chores, making a living, etc. In fact, those things, as you point out, are MORE important (I think they're just easier than self-disclosure.)
I want to chime in here on behalf of the LDs. LDs like Corri are definitely not in the category of "lazy" about the relationship. However, I think she is the exception. She is a "motivated LD". My W makes it seem like she is knocking herself out about the relationship, yet other than same vague generalizations about how she's 'working on it' when I ask what she is doing to make herself more "motivated" like Corri, she has little concrete evidence of anything she's actually done.
Hairdog (btw, Corri, I know you can defend yourself. I just wanted to soften her up a bit before you pummeled her.)
I don't think it's a HD/LD thing. As we've seen and discussed here before, every R seems to have one "fixer". The fixer is the one who puts the most effort to improve the R. In most cases, they simply are more motivated than the other. The HD link comes into play because repressed sexual desire is one heck of a motivator!
But there are LD "fixers" here, too. Their motivation isn't for sex, but for other things such as EC, non-sexual affection, companionship, etc. In fact, most M and R books are purchased by W (fixers), although statistically they are sexually LD compared to their H.
This BB population is disproportionately HD fixers. That's why it seems that all LDs are "lazy" compared to most of the posters here. But I don't think that holds true in RL and not even with some LDs here.
IMO, self-discovery/disclosure is more a function of maturity than anything else. I read somewhere that people generally don't begin "working on themselves" until they approach 40 years of age. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's more important to me now than when I was in my 20s. Of course, that's because I thought I was nearly perfect then.
It would be great if your generalization were true, though. That would make a neat little package, and would include your assumption of good will. I normally think in those terms and have to work to keep from it.
Good post, Barney... subtle, but very good. Thanks.
I'm definitely a fixer, trying to kick the habit. Actually the only thing I want to change about THIS bf is the sex. I really like just about every other thing about him.
I also don't feel that the HD partner is out there trying to make the relationship better while the LD remains emotionally defensive. Having a high sex drive does not correlate with wanting emotional intimacy. I will go as far to say that often it's the LD partner who is looking for more emotional closeness, and is in some way "turned off" by their partner's more physical needs, which can be viewed as selfish. "Sex" becomes the issue rather than intimacy, partners become polarized, and no one is feeling adequately loved or cared for. It then breaks down to control and withholding patterns, distorted thoughts take hold, and the relationship deteriorates. The hope is that at some point one spouse will remember what "health" is and start the process to undo the mess.
Good point, IHJ. That's what I read in Mrs.NOP's post about the "turning point" in their R. It was an enlightening moment for me as I have a tendency to see the world as "good vs. evil". And of course, my POV is always the good.
I've also noticed that several here who have experienced sexual "victories" in their M have soon thereafter posted that they still weren't satisfied. Being the mature group we are, I've concluded that we've graduated to wanting intimacy through sex, instead of just sex.
I wonder if the road to intimacy is found through having sex 3-4 times a day.
