Quote: All women as a group do is b!tch about their husbands ( they don't help around the house, they aren't there for their children etc etc ) with the note that if their H's were more there for them in all those ways , they would be more willing to give them sex!!
I'm "there" for my LDW and kids in 'all those ways' and it doesn't "get" me any more sex than twice a month. I don't know what my W talks about with her friends at work, and I hope that she's not bashing me too badly. IMO using sex as a reward is not the issue in most HD/LD marriages.
I can easily understand...it's very difficult to try to remain objective, especially when the problem/solution seems so apparant (to us anyway). Unfortunately the other person (since they are their own individual being) don't necessarily see things the same way we do...that's often where the problem lies.
I still maintain...people need to come with brochures! LOL
I have heard women talk about this before, and many of the women I know actually say "reward him with sex". This is a big part of the LD problem, they see sex as a "reward". There seems to be a double standard here, I have been told many times on these boards that as the HD, I must seek to meet my wifes needs without expecting sex in return. Well if this is true, then the LD women must seek to give sex without any expectations in return.
Like I said ...I am probably making huge generalizations here.... just using my family ( 60 of us that live within 10 miles of each other) as my examples.
I think that most HDM bend over backwards to do everything in their power to make their wives happy, content etc . I have been told in the past that I should be out talking with the guys because I am always on their side. Even my own mother has said this!!
In my opinion... I just never could listen to the whining about taking care of the kids , house etc and then having my H come home and NEED my too!!! WELL DUH!!!! Of course they need you too....isnt that what marriage is about. Who came 1st the husband or the children. It to me is a priority thing..... When my H walks in the door from work he knows that I am there for him ( to listen , to hug whatever) . My S9 knows that when daddy comes home he gets 15 minutes to take off uniform and sit with mom and talk uninterrupted ...then the rest of the evening is up for grabs until bed time. All my children 22-9 know that when our bedroom door is shut/during non sleeping hours....unless they are bleeding or the house is on fire they do not disturb us. MOST of the time it is open.
I am rambling but.... again these are just my opinions.
I disagree with
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using sex as a reward is not the issue in most HD/LD marriages.
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If it isnt used as a reward then why is it that we as HD wives and husbands are even thinking about divorcing our spouses if they dont make some changes? I am including myself in this because those words have come out of my mouth during a heated moment of frustration.
HD spouse jumps through hoops to please LD spouse for exactly what EC and sex....right?
Quote: I have heard women talk about this before, and many of the women I know actually say "reward him with sex". This is a big part of the LD problem, they see sex as a "reward".
I guess my circle of friends/acquaintances must be odd (probably so, I'm a strange bird myself), because I've never been in a conversation with other women that involved personal details regarding my husband, marriage or sex life. And that includes women friends I have known since grade school days.
I would think that anyone speaking about their spouse in public with that degree of disrepect and lack of care has more than sex f*cked up with their marriage. Then again, I am speaking from my own intensely private perspective.
I do think that continuing to paint LD people with tar brushes of biased interpretations of "what LD people think, what LD people's biggest problems are, or LD people are FITB with some other perjorative term" is an exercise in frustration.
LD people have a lower sex drive. That lower sex drive doesn't cause them to treat you like cr*p. Those of you being treated like cr*p in your relationship - that treatment is a result of two people not dealing with problems in a positive, goal-oriented way. It very well may be that a discrepancy in sexual desire is the fulcrum of disagreement, BUT it is how that disagreement is being handled that spirals into hell.
Like I said my examples are mostly family... and we are a very OPEN family. I do however have close friends that I have also had since grade school that I can talk to about anything and I do. Doesn't make either of us weird or otherwise...just different.
I have said in another post that LD women and LD men are two very very different critters...pardon the expression... women want different things in a relationship than men do..IMO. And again in my opinion women withhold sex as a tool to get their husbands to do what they want, when they want it. There are men on this message board who appear to be the exemplary husbands and they still can't get that physical connection with their wives.....
Both men and women have basic needs and lets face it one of them is sex...the degree is different but it is still there..... whether or not those needs are met shouldnt be based on whether you did the dishes or not.
I see what you are saying...but have you considered this? Absolutely men and women have different needs, sometimes those needs can seem silly and downright ridiculous to the other person in the relationship. But there are times when someones needs aren't being met (and that person may not even realize it...(I'm speaking from experience here) and the fact that those needs aren't recognized or met causes the other person not to meet your needs.
See...in my case (and I can only speak for my relationship) there were needs that weren't being met (very simple ones really) that not only was I not aware of...he wasn't aware of them either. Because those needs weren't being met he didn't feel taken care of...that feeling caused him to withdraw, back away, or even push me away. All of which we were unaware of until our therapist had me try an experiment (which he's still unaware of).
I'm now doing some simple/silly/mundane/everyday things to discover what needs I wasn't meeting for him...that translated into feeling "taken care of".
I guess my point is this (so it's hopefully not lost :-) )...someone doesn't always withold sex or use it as a weapon intentionally. My husband has basic needs as you mentioned...yes, sex is one of them...however there are other underlying needs that will need to be met in order for him to feel secure enough to let himself be vulnerable to me while ML. When I make the attempt to address those underlying needs he becomes more outwardly affectionate towards me...and he doesn't even realize it.
Am I making any sense here...it really does when I think it through in my head LOL.
Quote: I guess my circle of friends/acquaintances must be odd (probably so, I'm a strange bird myself), because I've never been in a conversation with other women that involved personal details regarding my husband, marriage or sex life. And that includes women friends I have known since grade school days.
I have to tell you that either you do run with an odd (or especially classy) crowd or you give off the "vibe" that you don't want to hear about that kind of stuff. In my situation it was actually the fact that my sex life was so pathetic that prevented me from talking about it with my female friends. My closest sister is the only "real" person I have talked to about it. OTOH, women I don't even know very well are always talking to me about their sexual experiences. I assume this is because I am comfortable with the topic in general and I give off that "vibe". I have fond memories of late nights at the diner with my HD high school girlfriends laughing so hard at tales of each others sexual exploits that we would choke on our coffee and in recent years I've heard detailed descriptions of the sexual performance of a couple of well known authors.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have always spoken about sex with my girlfriends; since I've been married, most of it has not been entirely honest. It's only been in the last couple yrs that I decided to come clean with who I really am and stop pretending to be in with the crowd who bitches about their husbands not leaving them alone. I would never fabricate a story but I would smile at their stories as if I understood and commiserated. Now I just politely say, That is not my experience....or some other such statement like that. There are a few people who know the whole story but not many. I am far too embarrassed to spill it freely, as being the HDW carries a definite stigma with it that I don't care to be known by.
And I have to say that, without exception, in my circle of family and friends it is always the LD wife who brings up sex. I tend to be more private about it, though not prudish. I will talk about any subject, sex included. It is a part of my life..a very natural part that I am not ashamed of or inclined to hide. In my experience the LDW's bring it up because they want reassurance that what they are experiencing is okay and their husbands should be more understanding, etc. I do not ever provide this reassurance because, of course, my sympathies lie with their husbands.
It is interesting though since I started just being myself and telling the truth in those discussions: I am constantly met with shock at what I have to say. From then on, the subject is sometimes closed to certain people. It is as if they found out that I have different views from them and am no longer allowed in the "club". I find this sad! I am the most diplomatic person around, so it is not as though I am giving any opinion whatsoever on what they should be doing--I just say what happens in my marriage and even THAT is in a diplomatic fashion.
Regardless of what the other moms at playgroup may think of me, I feel good knowing that I am not selling myself out and/or pretending to know what they are experiencing--I do not. I hope that my honesty gives them a different perspective on married life cause that is my true intention..that and being true to who I am.
