Tonight when my H and I went to bed, he cuddled up close to me. I knew he wanted to have sex. I could tell he wasn't real sure how to proceed given the previous two nights of not connecting.
He finally said to me:
"Would you want to make love with me tonight?"
And I said, "maybe."
We laid there in our cuddle position and I could tell he was having a really hard time figuring out just what the heck to say to me. Well, not so much what to say, but I could tell he was more worried about saying the 'wrong' thing and blowing it. So I said to him:
"Honey, this would be a really good time for you to practice your verbal expression."
So he said, "Well. I'd really like it if you would make love with me."
ME: "Okay. Why?"
A few moments pass.
HIM: "Because I really do want to be close to you."
Well... I go from 0 to 50 in about .5 seconds flat. And I said, "Now, did that really hurt so much?" And he chuckled and said no.
And I proceeded to f*ck that man's brains out with every ounce of desire I could possibly call forth from my body. It was my way of saying 'thank you' to him in a way that was meaningful to him. It wasn't faked. It was genuine, and he could tell.
Lil, it says it in all the books. Lack of sex in a relationship is not the problem (even though it may feel like it). It is a symptom of a bigger problem. It is about communicating and trusting and willing to be vulnerable with the person you are closest to, and trusting that they aren't going to drop you.
I've been down the road of increasing frequency. I understand how important sex is to my H, even though it isn't as important for me. But just increasing frequency isn't the end goal. It is going beyond frequency to connecting with your spouse on an intimate, meaningful level that makes sex all the better. The only way to do that is for spouses to 'feed' one another in the ways which are meaningful to the other. It is about recognizing and respecting the needs of the other and holding them in as high regard as you do your own needs. It's about meeting each other half way, not necessarily all for self, but also for other in equal measure.
My H made a big step toward me tonight. I know how hard that was for him, even though it may not seem like a big deal to me or anyone else. He put me above his "I shouldn't have to."
You carry an enormous expectation of your bf. But just because you have that expectation does not mean you 'deserve' it, and he capitulates. Demanding that someone meet your 'expectation' because you damn well deserve it, regardless of their own wants and needs, removes their sense of 'choice.'
I think what you have to do is not figure out how to get laid, but figure out how to ask your bf to meet you half way, and how you can meet him half way. That requires a bit of soul searching on both parts, a few well placed boundaries, and a whole lot of honest communicating. There may be fur flying for awhile... that's part of it... but until you can see past 'lack of sex in my life' you will continue in the cycle.
I hope that makes some kind of sense.
Corri
P.S. I am up typing this because good sex energizes me, and puts my H to sleep.
