Quote:

I have to stop feeling irritated that the level of contact and affection always has to be set by H, and I am just the recipient!
And I should have added, "or not, as the case may be!"



Yes, Ellie, I guess I should see even a "controlling peck" as better than nothing!

I am having trouble thinking of concrete ways of affirming H these days. He is mostly in a sort of lecture/rant mode. Could be mild or severe. Does JUST listening to him count as affrimation?

Some further things from our last meeting -

He grilled me at one point as we were watching a movie in the local language - how much did I understand, did I understand 100% of everything? I am way too honest and literal, and was sort of trying to come up with a precise evaluation of my language skills instead of just saying - Ya sure, I understand it! (I mean, he can be such a bull sh*tter, why don't I take a leaf out of his book?? )

He did mention that when I talked to the waiter at the restaurant the other day, my language skills had improved... so I guess he is taking stuff in, although he APPEARS to be rather indifferent to and uninterested in me!

He told me his work project proposal will take at least another six months to complete (as recommended by his friend), so he won't be doing much travelling to my country in a hurry.

Says, although he said the same thing last year, he really does need to come down to live in the city this winter, he can't stay up in the hills any longer. Needs to spend more time with D. He didn't specifically mention getting a house though...

I don't know if this has any significance. This mention of D. I must say, although I am very happy he has a good R with our D, it hurts when he signs off emails with "Give my love to D" while pointedly not mentioning any for myself!

Or when he talks about it being nice to spend time with D, while again leaving out the unspoken - "don't miss YOU!!" Know what I mean?

Anyway, I won't borrow trouble!

D is back at school tomorrow, I am back on schedule with my routine, I think I will feel calmer. Need to plan a schedule for the next two months to achieve the goals I set out earlier.

You know, thinking about my estranged brother, and perhaps even my H, I realise that although I have my day to day stresses, I am actually a happy person underneath. I do not hate the world, I do not hate people, I am basically optimistic of a good outcome, longterm. I love plenty of people, I have good friends around the world. I don't have much to be ashamed of. I'll be OK!

Think I'll go to sleep on that!

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates