I am just journalling here, recalling how the lunch date went.
I remembered the perfume, but it was a bit chilly to show off my cleavage, so I dressed well, showing off my somewhat slimmer and toned figure, I hope!
I picked up D from school and headed into town on my bike. When we met H, he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and commented that my dark hair suited me better. I have started colouring my hair the last few months, and each time I come out of the hairdresser's with a new shade. I like this dark shade as it is closest to my natural colour. I am glad H noticed it!
We then had a drink at a bar before moving on to lunch. We ate at our favourite eating place, where the staff know us very well from being regular customers over the years. H and D had entered first, and I entered a moment later, I could see the head waiter's eyes widen as he took in the fact that H and I were lunching together, for the first time (only the three of us as family) since the separation. Head waiter looked pleased!
We had a pretty uneventful lunch. H mostly talked away. He didn't ask a single question about myself, apart from how many cooking classes a week I was doing. He didn't mention my mother, or ask how I was, or ask about my work, or enquire about my trip or about my sister. He showed me his newest piece of equipment, talked about people (common friends) he had recently met, and his recent trip to another country to meet his work friend, the one I wrote to to tell that I still loved my H, as I felt he was a friend of our marriage.
At one point I casually asked why he was down in the city, and he said it was to see D. Well, I am sure he was pleased to see her, but if I know my H, it was NOT the primary reason he came down, NO WAY!! She is going up to stay with him for four days just day after tomorrow! Just don't know what the reason might be though. He mentioned looking at fares for his trip to my country of origin, but I know he wouldn't have come down merely to enquire, without purchasing a ticket. It's a lot of trouble for just that.
At one point he received a message on his cell phone. Makes me think he is still with OW 2. Normally before he didn't send and receive text messages.
H plans to have D up with him for the long weekend this weekend, over Halloween. He mentioned getting a pumpkin to make a pumpkin lantern, which also leads me to believe that OW 2 is still in the picture, as he has never got involved with anything like that in his life before. Never decorated the Christmas tree, wrapped a present, cut a lantern, even "forgot" to be the tooth fairy when he was larking around with OW 1 and I was away just before the bomb.
To sum up, H was friendly enough, mostly talked about his new purchase - he is always as excited as a kid with a new toy with new purchases - but kept his distance with me.
At the end, he paid for the meal and I thanked him.
Observations -
He is the same old H in so many ways -
Is very into "toys" although he uses them for his personal work. Needs to get a buzz from a new purchase every so often.
Opinionated and arrogant!
Makes wide generalisations and sweeping statements which make me blush.
Made no mention of his plans to move to the nearby town.
Doesn't seem that certain about going on his trip to my country still. I would have thought he would have booked his ticket by now, his trip is only a month away and is a long haul flight where he needs to get a good deal.
Displays his characteristic impulsiveness and fickleness - says he will NEVER do such and such one month, then a couple of months later says he has changed his mind, and does it. (I suppose his statement that he will "never live with me again" could be equally subject to revision! )
We ate at one of our old stomping grounds, and H was willing to be seen "together" with me there. He refused to come out to my country of origin this summer for fear of setting tongues wagging about us getting together, he doesn't see this lunch in the same light, or else doesn't mind us being seen togther??
So while on the one hand it is tempting to think that I am once again being used as a ferrying service for D, I guess I should make the most of it, get some DBing in, let H see the new me, such as it is, and maybe even p*ss off OW 2 if she is still in the picture!
Any thoughts?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Well - let's just look at the positives, shall we? 1) he had lunch with you (on purpose) - obviously it wasn't about seeing dd, as you said, since he was going to have her soon. And if he just wanted to see her while he was in town on an errand, he could have just picked her up and taken him with on his errands. Or he could have just done his errand and not mentioned he was in town for the day. He obviously didn't have any serious message to give you, so I'm guessing he just wanted to see you
2) - Hope you managed to get your perfume on him - OW probably wouldn't like that! If you're really lucky, she'll figure out he had lunch with you and get mad at him - bad behavior on her part is always good for you.
3) - He complimented your appearance - aliens do NOT do this unless they are noticing how attractive you are
4) - He talked about himself, giving you lots of opportunities to use those WOA, right?
5) - He didn't ask about any possible inheritance as you were afraid he would.
All in all, sounds to me like he actually wanted to spend time with you - even though he may not even consciously realize that yet. If he had just wanted you to ferry dd, I'm guessing he would have spent a lot less time talking to YOU and more time talking to HER - right?
Quote: Is very into "toys" although he uses them for his personal work. Needs to get a buzz from a new purchase every so often.
Depressed people use a lot of different things to try to alleviate the depression - affairs are one way, but the "high" from shopping is another.
Quote: Opinionated and arrogant!
Was he always this way? Or is this another manifestation of the depression? My H definitely became more intolerant and irritable about people in general when he was depressed.
Hi Ellie, faithful coach and champion of us strugglers,
It is really nice that you bother to come here and help us with your thoughts, even though your R is on track.
Thanks for pointing out the positives. I was left feeling a little puzzled by today's lunch. Anyhow, I just emailed H a brief note of thanks and sent him a photo.
I guess I can do to H and OW just what OW did to H and me, which is to keep in regular touch (by IM in her case) with my H even when she knew that he was married and therefore very much in an R!!
Of course, all my contact will be "innocent" chat ( ), and I will monitor the results I get from H so I don't overstep the mark. What say you?
One thing I forgot to add is that he has indeed, like D said, graduated to smoking cigarettes. When he left me he started smoking cigars, then went on to pipes, and now he smokes cigarettes. All this from a man who told me, when we were married, that kissing a woman who smoked was like kissing an ashtray.
As to being opinionated and arrogant, well yes, he has always been those, but somewhat more toned down, I suppose. I think because I have gone the other way, being more careful of what I say and to whom I say it, it seems more glaring a trait in my H. Like people say here, it seems the LBS really does a lot of learning and pondering, while the WAS blithely carries on with the same old, same old.
Livnlearn
PS I had a good teaching day today. I am trying to concentrate on getting more work that I like and avoiding the really stressful stuff as much as I can, and I already feel better for it, I just have to build up to more work now.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey LivNlearn! I've been lurking and just wanted to check in.. Wow, that was quite a lunch!I want to give some thought to what you posted and I will come back on tommmorow to give you my thoughts. Initially it looks like you did an amazing job!!
Db'ed him into a state of uncertainty!!Haha
It sounds like he was staying with safe ground( known subjects no revelations, etc) and that may have been alot for him to handle at the moment...
Think positively, you have a lot to be proud of Girl!!
My H is around me so much now I can't post like I used to!!
Quote: My H is around me so much now I can't post like I used to!!
That is EXCELLENT news!
Quote: Db'ed him into a state of uncertainty!!Haha
I suppose that is one way of looking at it!
I just remembered another thing that H said at lunch. He said when he was visiting his friend in the other country, he suddenly felt relief that he didn't HAVE to check his email for about five days. That's when I emailed him about my mother's funeral and didn't hear back from him for a while. When I did hear from him next, he was talking about meeting up next week!
See, H gets all his work over the internet, so he was happy to get away from that, but if OW 2 is still in the picture, I imagine they would have been emailing each other...
Anyway, all this conjecture can drive one mad, so I will concentrate on what I CAN control - ME!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm curious thoug, what does D make of all this, lately? And yes, how are you doing outside of H related drama? There was a time when things seemed to be buzzing...
I am a little tired right now, though not too stressed. I have had an emotional few weeks with both my mother and her sister dying in the space of three days. I had to travel at short notice to other country for that, then my sister was here, which was nice, but none of my work or housework got done, so now I am slowly picking up the pieces. I have got two new students this week, so that helps, but I lost a lot of income while I was away, the downside of being a self-employed person!
I feel strangely calm about my mother's death. Not sure why yet. I feel she was a good (enough) mother to me and she lived to a good age, so I have no big regret. My sister had far more serious issues with my mother and therefore seems to have taken her death surprisingly badly. She was also there when Mum died and she says that wasn't the nicest part, although of course she wanted to be there. I only arrived at the hospital two hours after Mum passed away. So I had a 'kind of' good bye.
I need a few weeks to get my daily life in order once again, before I can start thinking of more long term or fun projects, if you know what I mean.
I would LOVE for H and I to be able to spend Christmas together with D, if that was possible. Maybe I should set it as a goal?
D would, of course, love for us to get together. When H talked to her on the phone last time, D went into the bedroom and closed the door to speak at one point. She has never done that before. They were talking about arrangements for this weekend.
Yesterday evening H rang to say he couldn't get hold of his landlord to fix up the travel arrangements for D to go up. I wonder if somehow the plan for D to go up will be changed or fall through to allow for other arrangements???
Who knows. But frankly, I could do with a couple of days without anyone to cater for so I can get on with a load of housework and other stuff!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Okay, but if he asks YOU to bring dd up and spend the weekend (just for convenience' sake, of course ) you go, okay?
Of course. But he rang this morning to say the landlords were going up Saturday morning and coming down maybe Monday or Tuesday, both of which are holidays.
I am determined to see the silver lining in everything that happens, it's the only way.
There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way!
(Hey, has anyone guessed I LIKE that quote? )
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
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