I guess from H's point of view, he will see himself, D and OW 2 'having fun' together up at his place, versus - what at my place?
Well, I have to make sure that his night spent here is also a bit of fun, I suppose, although it's a school day the next day. I will have to drag myself to that point, that way I am feeling just now!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I was glad that I caught your post and had a minute to send a reply. I know what it feels like, looking for a reply from someone, when you are just so beside yourself that you don't know which end is up.
What night is H supposed to be spending the night at your place?
I would love to do some serious brain storming prior to that about some as if's and 180's. I have made the mistake before of coming on too strong and I don't want you to do that. It needs to all be very purposeful and planned behind the scenes but to H it has to look casual and effortless otherwise it will not be perceived as genuine.
Also, refresh my memory, how long has H been gone? Did his OW #1 start before he left? Did he ever say the D word? If I knew the answers to these questions than I have forgotten, sorry.
I am hoping that you are already in bed there so I will check in tomorrow.
I'm feeling very sorry for myself. The tears are flowing freely. I want to shout like a kid, THIS IS SO UNFAIR!
Is my H oblivious to the pain I'm in, or does he not care a hoot? Did I really marry this man? Is he having a MLC or has he merely moved on? How is it possible to marry and start a family and then simply move on? Does he really think that for D being in an intact family and having visitation is the same? How nice can OW 2 be to willingly be part of breaking up a family? And so on and on.
To answer some of your questions -
H is spending Tuesday night here. I hope it ticks off OW 2 royally!
H announced his decision in April 2003, days before my birthday and shortly before our tenth anniversary, for which I had plans. After a week he had fixed up to rent his place in the hills (love nest for him and OW 1).
He most certainly had an EA with OW 1 for maybe a couple of years. We both prided ourselves on not being overly jealous and paranoid types (both of us invited former boyfriends/girlfriends to our wedding! They had remained friends. I even came across a letter where he wrote before we married about this aspect, and how much he liked that we weren't so insecure etc etc), so it happened right under my nose and I didn't get it. I had been farily close to OW 1 for years, then I noticed she withdrew from me, but carried on being 'friends' with my H. How blind can one get? So much for trust. Ow 1 walked out on her husband the same week that H made his decision, yet he swore she had nothing to do with it. At this point I wasn't so blind!
He told me he never wanted to live with me again. That he was not in a hurry to get a D. The terms he 'offered' me were not acceptable, so I went to a lawyer to find out the view of the law, and that's when H turned nasty. I was forced to have a legal separation so as to make sure he paid for D and self. I started DBing only six months after he left.
In the beginning I did all the usual things like pleading and crying and shouting, then I went pretty dark, as D and I spent the summer vacation last year over with my family in other country.
I must point out that OW 2 is also someone he strated and EA with before he left. In fact a month before he left, I had questioned him about his daily IMing with her in other country. He asssured me it was just politics they talked about. He said to me "Do you think I would jeopardise my marraige, my family, my home, everything, for a fling?" So I was duly reassured.
When H made his decision, he eveidently chose OW 1 to fall on as she was the bird in the hand, right here, rather than OW 2 who lived far away. I even heard him on the phone once to OW 2, a couple of weeks after his decision. He was flying to my country of origin for a project and thinking of going via her country. he was telling her they would be able to meet up, but that it wouldnt be anything more than friends. That says it all, doesn't it? She had been after him for at least a year before he left.
Ironically, all the while I was told by friends I was being very trusing letting my H go away on all these trips, and I thought I must give him his freedon to pursue his dreams, I was behind him! He met OW 2 in a hotel he was staying at in yet another country where he did some work on a project. Maybe he was lonely?
If he stays with OW 2 for long, either she will have to be apart from him much of this year, of she might go out to be with him in my country of origin for the eight months or so he plans on this project taking. Of course she doesn't have kids, so she is free to go around the world to be with him. Perfect!
Got to break off, just heard my mother is in hospital and may not have much longer, got to fly to other country, bye, for now.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
How are things going with you? I am assuming that you are still with your mom, and I hope and pray that you are doing alright, no matter the circumstances or trials that you might be facing.
I had to break off very suddenly the last time I was posting, I got a phone call from my sister to say my mother was in hospital with a leaking aortal aneurysm. I took the first plane out to that country, but sadly arrived at the hospital two hours after my mother passed away. She passed away just three days after her next youngest sister, my dear Aunt, did.
So, it has been a very emotional week. As you can imagine, I am sad at losing my only parent (my Dad walked out on my mother thirty seven years ago and we have heard NOTHING from him since. We don't even know whether he is alive or dead. This presented difficulties when it was time to register my mother's death, as they wanted to know if she was the wife or widow of my father. When we said we didn't know, the registrar said there were only two options she could record, so we should decide - we were apalled, and said, how can we 'decide' whether someone is alive or dead when we don't know??? In the end, they put down wife, as that was the last information that we had.)
On the other hand, my mother was eighty four and knew about her aneurysm, and elected not to have surgery for it. She was 'ready' to go, and so in a way, I am happy for her. She had a trying last two or three years of life, with so many physical ailments.
We arranged a small private funeral with some of her favourite music.
Then, my sister decided to travel back with me here and stay a week, which is really nice. I know our loss will fianlly hit home when she is back home again. I found a few days' old voice mail message here with my Mum asking me to call her back to talk about my aunt's funeral arrangements.
My D was staying with H when I got the phone call about Mum ebing in hospital. I arranged she should stay with a school friend and her family for the duration of my stay away. She feels happy staying there.
H asked why he couldn't come down to this house to look after D until he went away on his trip. I wanted to say, because I don't trust you an inch right now, but of course I said instead, that as he was going away too, it was simpler to just book her to stay with her friends the whole time. He didn't press the point.
I rang him the day after I arrived and told him about my mother's passing. He talked a little bit, said he was sorry to hear the news. He knew Mum quite well, as she had come out to visit us at least once a year the last ten years, and also he had stayed at her place often.
Later I emailed him about the date of the funeral, and when I was returning to this country. I didn't get any response. No card, letter, note, or flowers.
After returning home day before yesterday, he phoned. Asked how the funeral went ("Well") and about how I was ("Well, you know how it is to lose a parent. In fact, I don't know what you thought about losing your father, you never said much." And he replied "Well, I didn't feel much, I had not seen much of him in the last so many years, I stopped feeling anything for him. I had a dream recently about him where I was beating him up. Those are the only kind of dreams I ever have about him, so they are not something I want to have." But that is all another story...)
He told me about his trip, and about some new equipment he has bought. I asked about his project plans, and he told me about them - basically he has a lot more work to do on the proposal before he can get his friend committed to working with him, which is what he wants.
Talked about him going to my country of origin for his research trip this November, which is shrinking in duration every time he mentions it, from six weeks to four weeks to twenty days and now down to two weeks.
Then he mentioned coming down next week to town (to buy his ticket?) I said something like, good. He said, maybe you me and D can have lunch together? I said, sure!
I apologised for changing around the arrangements for D going up next weekend now that my sister is here, and he said it was no problem, after all, he is always there, he has no big plans in his life...
Got to sign off soon, sis is around, and she doesn't think I should save my marriage to H!!!
Later
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
