Thinking on from what I wrote yesterday. The fact that this website I mentioned is not about relationships at all, but that H drops in stuff like that, hurts.
And I know I am supposed to be past being "hurt".
Is it snooping to go to a webiste where you know your H publicly posts? I didn't expect to come across such personal asides, was just interested to see what H has to say about the subject that the website is devoted to, which is a large area of interest for us, professionally.
Actually, I remember that last year, he also made a reference to a "girlfriend he once had" (OW 1 who had recently dumped him!) on this same website. Ouch, that hurt too.
How does my H live with his conscience?
I suspect, but don't asume, that he is back with OW 2 from the lack of contact from H again.
I know he will never get his head out of his a** until even that is finally over. And from where I am sitting and from what I know of OW 2, it can't last.
I am not sure that I feel good about the fact that only IF AND WHEN the A with OW 2 is really over is there any glimmer of a hope that H will consider working on his M. Makes me feel third best.
I suppose though, if it were to happen, then H would have SEEN for HIMSLEF that the grass isn't always greener, and that ALL RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE WORK!
H is happy to confess that he is LAZY. Maybe one day he will see that being happy to confess this fact is not going to get him very far. He is going to have to DO something about it. Maybe, to him, walking out of our M was his ACTION.
I suppose it also hurts that H is prepared to "work" on both his R's with the OW. He has split up and got back together with both of them in turn. Why do THEY deserve such attention?
Oh well, back to my mission to, er...... NOT focus on H!
So how can a kick start that again?
Focus on my positives -
I am in good health, and looking good. One of my students yesterday refused to believe that I was in my forties (forty four to be precise). She was only 33, and if truth be told, we looked similar in age. (That is, she looked older than her years, ha ha!! )
I have got shot of my mega stressful teaching assignment.
I once more wrote to my estranged brother, let's see if he replies. I have got over my old anger and hurt about him, and feel only love for him. How he chooses to respond is his choice, I have held open the door to him for years now.
H asked to stay the night next week, so I have a chance to interact with him in a positive way.
He is visiting his friend who is a friend of our marriage.
One thing that would really help is to get some part time but well paid work. It must be out there somewhere. I just have to go and and make my own luck!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
)
