Forgiveness - Relieving a Burden

[Pamila]

Livenlearn,

I think that sounds like a good plan regarding validating.

Does your H respond better in person or via e-mail?

Maybe you could even let us preview your response here first before you send it or speak it to H.

Just a thought but I would be glad to read it and give my .02, do you think it needs to be done before D returns?

Pam

[Livnlearn]

I was just composing a letter to H when the phone rang. I knew it would be H and it was, so I picked up, as I felt calm.

H told me the time D was coming back had changed again. I said, OK.

Then I asked, has D done all her homework? He said, she's done all her maths and language. I said, she needs to have done most or all of it by the time she gets back here as there is no more time to finish up before school tomorrow. H said, I told you, she has done the maths and language. I pointed out that she had five books in her bag and she said they were all for homework, so how much would there be left to do after maths and language? H got annoyed and said, I haven't the faintest idea, then put the phone down, click.

Just another rock on the rocky road...

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Dear H

I can see how frustrated you are having to live up in the hills. And not having much money is not fun, I know. As I have told you in previous emails, I am working on getting my working week sorted out with enough work to keep me going and lessen the burden on you. I appreciate your offer to carry on paying the mortgage till the end of the year, I really do. I just fear what would happen if I haven't got enough income to cover the household bills and D's and my expenses if I am paying half the mortgage after that. I promise you I am working on this issue, and would really appreciate it if you didn't keep the pressure on me all the time, it doesn't help me. I went for a job interview week before last, but it had too many problems - having to be away six or seven times a year (for a week at a time) for fairs around the world, needing a car etc. - to make it worth while. It didn't pay that much either, was more commission based.

So please have some faith in me and you may soon be surprised.

Did you get the book? I wrote down S-----'s phone numbers on the front page.

I'm glad camping was fun. I haven't been camping in ages, and was wondering if the tent is still in good condition? I think it may leak a little if it rains heavily.

Livnlearn

What do you think? It doesn't address much of his rant, but I know H's main rant these days is about wanting to pay less. I was tempted to include a line about the sleeping arrangements being a matter for his conscience. I have said what I want to him on the matter, and I can't really police it, can I?

The other thing is, when I pressured him about it before, H said that if I asked nicely he would consider my request. Yet his email to me is full of commands - YOU WILL DO THIS and YOU WILL DO THAT!

Livnlearn

[Pamila]

Livenlearn,

I am running low on time but I did want to reply.

I would leave out the phrase "As I have told you in previous e mails" it sounds a little too terse.

I would also maybe ask him what he is proposing in terms of support and maybe trying to make it some sort of a compromise type situation.

Also, how old is D? Can she possibly be old enough to maybe be in charge of her own homeowrk when she is with her dad thereby relieving you of the pressure of having to be the bad guy? I know this is hard as I am always the homeowrk enforcer, my kids don't even bother to take theirs with when they go to see their dad.

Hang in, you've got the right idea and attitude.

Pam

[Livnlearn]

Hi Pamila

Thanks, your points have been noted! D is nine and doesn't yet finish her homework on her own initiative most times. But I am working on it. She gets all upset just before having to go to school when she knows she still has something left to do, and I have started to talk to her about her being ultimately responsible for it.

H gives me the talk about being concerned for D yet shows very little evidence of it.

Anyway, I can see he is in exactly the same mode/mood he was in this time last year when OW 1 dumped him, only last year I didn't know it had happened until a little later, so I took it all personally!

Livnlearn

[kml]

I agree with Pamila about the email, sounds good, just leave out that one phrase. I probably wouldn't get into financial details.

Ignore all H's blaming behaviors about you and OW. Obviously OW just didn't like the fact that he still has a wife!!!! And as you know from past experience, he didn't HAVE to tell her any of those restrictions. I suspect he came home from that nice visit with you in a more positive mood, started to see that some of their behavior when D was there was a little innappropriate, and OW got her nose bent out of shape. H may be blaming you but maybe he doesn't realize that he's really blaming the fact that he still has some feelings for you?

Be kind, validate, don't say ANYTHING about what a jerk OW is being. Realize that they may not be broken up but may just have had a spat. Just do more of whatever was working when he camne for the birthday.

What your H said about your personality reminds me of something that my H said about me post bomb...that people found me to be cold and difficult to get to know. Where do they get off with this crap?

My sister's first husband said something to her after he dropped the bomb about how she didn't have any friends and they were all his friends. Well, since then we have jokingly referred to the multitude of friends that supported her through the divorce as her "imaginary friends" Actually, HE'S the one that doesn't have many friends, and this was just another example of a WAS projecting onto the LBS what they are really feeling about themself.
Wow, LNL, I just realized that's what is happening right now with your H - he's projecting onto YOU (YOU caused her to leave by setting these restrictions) what he's really feeling about himself (HE caused her to leave by setting some boundaries around his daughter).

In fact, it is to your advantage if OW said nasty things about you - that's why it is SO important that you don't say anything nasty about her. If she says bad things about you, he will want to defend you (maybe it was him defending you that pissed her off:) ) - if YOU say bad things about HER then he will want to defend her.

Ellie

[Livnlearn]

Hello people, and my helpful friends -

Yesterday H rang once more to say the time of D's arrival had changed, the landlord and family never know from one moment to the next when they are going to leave! D came home all happy and prancing, she willingly sat down and finished the bits of homework still needing to be done, which was not much. She mentioned camping. At one point, she started to say, "did you know....?" but somehow the conversation got steered away in another direction by circumstances. I think she may have started to talk about OW 2.

Later H called again, to talk to D. I'm not sure what about. Then he talked to me for a minute, told me he liked the tent, again! I sounded normal and happy on the phone.

This morning there's an email from H. Here is the gist -

H is SORRY about the tone of his email. He is angry at OW 2 as much as me. Feels under pressure from all sides.

Yes, he got the book, and has been reading it. (Then talks about his project.)

Ends with "Cheers, and love to D"

Hey everyone, it really is true, when you validate and don't exert any pressure back, they have nothing to carry on the offensive with!

Now, I just have to make sure there is NO PRESSURE from my side. He knows what I think about his sleeping arrangements, I will not mention them again. (He can hear and read!!)

I will offer moral support and validate him in his project plans.

I will not pursue him, but keep things light and friendly, without being insistent.

I will not focus on H's "bad points", but keep in mind his good points.

Is there something I have missed?

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

OK

I just got ANOTHER call from H. This time to tell me he had sent me an email.

And to advise me to get in touch with a certain woman about work. He has told me this many times before, and I have refused, becasue she is the best friend of OW 1. Today he actually acknowledged that I might have had a valid reason for not contacting her in the past, more than my "stupid pride" he mentioned last year. The fact that I didn't want to go with my business to the best friend of OW 1.

As it happens, H's good friend has recently, and independently of H, told me about similar work openings, so I will go through him first.

Then H talked about his plans to move to town nearby and his work project. I validated away. In the course of the convo, he even told me that OW 2 had no interest at all in the area of his work - very weird. Remember, she is also the one who doesn't like, in fact HATES music, ANY MUSIC!!! How on earth can he think of a serious R with her? And the biggest joke of all, is that she was/is married to a muscian in an orchestra!

All in all H was on the phone to me for twenty minutes, yes twenty minutes, longer than he has spoken to me on the phone in total these last five months or so.

And he asked me to remind D to ring him this evening.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm??

Livnlearn

[IAmSoup]

He said, she's done all her maths and language. I said, she needs to have done most or all of it by the time she gets back here as there is no more time to finish up before school tomorrow. H said, I told you, she has done the maths and language. I pointed out that she had five books in her bag and she said they were all for homework, so how much would there be left to do after maths and language? H got annoyed and said, I haven't the faintest idea, then put the phone down, click.

Why didn't you just stop after his first "she's done all her maths and languages" ??? ...Soup

[Livnlearn]

Why didn't you just stop after his first "she's done all her maths and languages" ??? ...Soup

Good question Soup!

I suppose the obvious answer is that since D had been with him the whole weekend and was coming home really at the last minute, I was anxious for her to have done all her homework. She had done two of the five books, from what I could tell from my convo with H. D is behind somewhat in her schoolwork, and I'm keen that she not fall behind any further, rather, that she make up lost ground.

But of course, it came across as nagging. I will try and stop.

There has been no contact from H today, so far. I just sent him a one line email with a photo.

D tells me that H is talking about giving up smoking gradually, which is kind of interesting. Both OW smoke and I hate it.

H mentioned in our convo yesterday something he remembered me saying years ago, so I guess he hasn't forgotten me completely!

I know I need to put him under NO PRESSURE at the moment. One way of doing this would be to land some decent well paid work, so the finacial pressure would ease off of him. I feel that would make a BIG difference to him and how he felt about me.

But I am also wondering how much contact I should initiate right now - a little, or just leave it all up to him?

I am keeping well away from R talk.

H already knows that -

I am standing for our marriage
I am looking for more work
I support his project idea

So I don't need to din it in to him any more.

Any other ideas at this juncture?

Livnlearn