So, moneywise he is struggling to make the payments to me AND live well on what is left. I am thinking about what to do about this. I want to write to him, asking him for a further grace period in which to get my act together, hopefully one of my two personal projects will bear some fruit and bring in some money, or I will get a load more students. I don't want my H to be beggared by all this.
Two other things - he has stopped wearing his wedding ring.
And when he was dealing with D, when she was misbehaving and he was telling her off, he said and did the same things as I do with her. And she responded in similar fashion as she does with me. So much for my feeling that somehow as the one who has to dicipline D most, I come off as the nag and scold, BAD MUMMY, while H just comes over to her as NICE DADDY. We are both human, and we both love our D.
It seems to me I need to re-read DB and DR and devise a plan of action, with goals. I need to practise some emotional discipline. Now that I am seeing the first signs of reward in my diet and exercise routine, it makes me thirst for results in other areas.
I am going to work on H's need for affirmation, by taking an interest in his work and encouraging him all I can.
I am going to acknowledge to H that his making the payments to me means he has little to live on himself, and tell him how I plan to earn more to relieve the strain on him.
I think money problems and lack of affirmation from me are what drove H away from our marriage.
I think I have finally understood in my heart, rather than just intellectually, that changes have to come from me, first and foremost, if there is any chance of repairing our relationship.
I have also realised that I do love my H very much, faults and all. I am not just hanging in there due to personal loss, or loss of face, but I really think I can give him something. I want to be loved by him again. I still think we can make a good team.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
