The party went off OK, with the usual little crises that happen when you get 13 girls (and one boy!) into an apartment together.
H was there sort of in the background, going out on to the balcony quite a lot. Went down to the local cafe for 15 mins in the middle around the time of the cake cutting - to get a coffee, make a phone call? He certainly tucked in to the party food. I was aware of him looking at me a couple of times, I mean, studying me.
I managed to stay even in my mood, tried to be bright and happy, though I probably wasn't quite at my best. Tried to look good too.
After it was over, H did sweep the floor, and then put D to bed and read her a story.
I handed H an envelope which had arrived a couple of days ago by registered mail. It was a tax demand. A further demand on top of what he thought had been sorted out already. H hit the roof. He started ranting and even punched his fist into a table, luckily it was strong enough to resist getting dented. H used to punch things in the (old) house in the past, and a number of doors and other items had little dents bearing testimony to his rages. We live in a country of high taxes and a corrupt government, so people are fleeced all the time. I just let him rant, didn't say a thing. I felt for him.
Anyway, after he calmed down, we sat on the sofa, and H proceeded to tell me all about his project(s). I just listened and asked a few questions to clarify things he was saying.
As I sat there watching him speak, I felt such love for this man, and an ache that he had shut me out of his life. I so much want to be there for him and behind him, and be his cheerleader. Why wasn't I more of that before? The usual vicious cycle of feeling slighted, and the counter attack, and then on and on.
I would say that H's love language is definitely affirmation. Why else would he want to speak to me of his projects and dreams? Why send me the synopsis of his project? He wants my approval, I believe. He very much wants to measure up to his father. His father was a very big achiever - went from humble beginnings to being the top of a multinational company. And his father had no time for H, threw him out of the house when he was 16, disparaged him etc.
I have to work on ways to affirm H's ambitions and talents and successes. But he would smell a rat if I were too cack handed in my approach. I believe H does have real talent, but sometimes he is his own worst enemy. And what I might have thought was "constructive criticism" in the past, I think H simply took as "criticsim". I have learnt to zip my lips a little more, though I ain't prefect. Last night I couldn't help offering a couple of suggestions to him, which may have come over as criticism or nannying, I don't know. I will have to practice the gentle art of listening!
This was the first time in many months that I have spent a few hours with H, and been able to talk. H did 90% of the talking last night. And 95% of it was about him. We didn't talk about me at all!
The other theme of the evening was money, and H's lack of it. We didn't touch once upon the subject of his payments to me, or how much I was making etc.
As soon as he saw the tax demand, he groaned that that took care of his idea to buy a piece of equipment then, and that's when the rant started. He planned the purchase in order to do work on his project. Now it would be swallowed up by a tax bill.
H had bought a new hat, and also showed me a snazzy pen he bought. Then said he had bought a new pair of trousers after a very long time, all his clothes were shabby from continuous wear. My H is so contradictory - is out of clothes, food, etc but spends on fancy hats and pens?
Then said he couldn't afford to move to city, would move to another small town, at least less isolated than where he is now. Would still cost much less than city.
All in all, I started to feel like a heel for living in my nice house. The house is nice, it hasn't finished being decorated or anything, and I live simply enough in it, but none the less, it is nice, compared to his. And I also have nightmares about money. And whether enough is going to come in in any month. The bitter irony in all of this is that if we were living together and pooling our resouces, we would be fine.
I wondered if the whole evening was played out to make me feel bad, but I know my husband is not calculating and he is not a schemer and he is not spiteful. I will give him all that. A lot of his frustration in life is that he is in fact so naive in certain ways, that he gets taken for a ride, and then he rants and raves about it.
Have to go for a lesson, will continue later!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
