I hear what you're saying, but I think you're worrying too much about what MIGHT happen in the future. Don't borrow trouble.
Extend the invite. He may not even take you up on it. And if he does take you up on it - and starts to stay over a lot of nites - well, what better opportunity for DBing than with him sleeping on the sofa?
Yesterday, I emailed H a casual invite to stay the night if he wanted and he replied, OK, that would be nice. I also was asking him about some arrangements regarding D. In his reply he completely ignored that, but told me at some length about his plans for travel and his project. I think there is a big opportunity for validation here, but I had to repeat my query and he replied in just one line that what I planned was fine. I just hope that later he doesn't come down on me like a ton of bricks: this has happened in the past, when I have supposedly just "gone ahead and done what I liked".
Anyway, we have returned to a friendly exchange of emails for the moment.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
D and I went away for the weekend at the seaside with some other Mums and kids. The wind was up and the sky was full of forbidding clouds, so swimming wasn't really an option, though playing in the sand and walking along the beach was. On Sunday the sun came out for periods so it was better, but still rather bracing! Still, we had a fun time in good company, and we enjoyed lots of laughs.
The last ten days or so I wake up at 4 am whatever time I may have gone to sleep. I feel really tired. I know it is my churning mind waking me up. I am really tired of this. Things look so dark and negative at 4 am.
I am not sure I am ready to have H in my home again, and whether I will be able to carry on As If. Maybe I should enrol for acting classes like some on this BB!
D has been playing up a bit lately, and I harbour this fear that with all the diciplining that I am left to do, she will one day turn around and tell me she would rather live with her Dad. She was cheeky, sulky and uncoperative all of yesterday, from the moment she woke up. I just don't understand why. I hate losing my cool, but she pushed me beyond my limit. I guess, the same way that H can/did. It is the defiant smirk that gets my goat. Anyone know how to deal with that?
Well, I amy even go and get a couple of hours' sleep this morning, as I have the chance to.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have just had another stinker of a letter from my H, about money.
H wants to pay less, while frankly I think what he pays now is fair under the circumstances, as he plans to be away a lot this coming year, and I have full responsibilty for D. This CONSTANT barrage of pressure and hassle from H is geting me down and I waste a lot of time being depressed and feeling hounded. I find it HARD to come up with words of affirmation for H paying what he does, he thinks of it as him HELPING us, while I see it as his responsiblity for starting a family, then abandoning it and being FREE with a "singles" lifestyle. He wants me to THANK him *AND* ACCEPT LESS.
And as I indicated in a previous mail when I asked him about arrangements for D, he now wants D to miss one for her classes in order to go up to his place this weekend. Last week he told me to enrol her....
How do I word a letter to H telling him that I think the present arrangement is fair, and I don't wish to renegotiate anything? All along he has assumed his liablilty would decrease automatiaclly. By the way, his latest emails have been all about how he is doing so much better on the financial front! I don't get it.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
This weekend at the seaside we spent one night in a hotel, an ordinary place, nothing special or fancy, just clean and simple. We ate our meals either in a cafe, or in the hotel if they were provided in the hotel price. We didn't do any shopping or pay any entrance fees, just the train and food and hotel.
When D talked on the phone to H last night, she was all breathless, and was in awe of the hotel, as it is different from home - for example it has a tv in the room and all that. Then she told H that we went into a four star place with a swimming pool to enquire about spending next weekend there. (Some others are going again, but I probably won't as D is with H.... but I might.) We did go into a place to ask, as it stays open throughout the winter, but the tariff was way above our budget. But the idea H is probably getting from our nine year old is that we live the life of Riley in fancy hotels every weekend!
I notice that I often hear from H about money whenver he hears that we have done something nice. It seems to get up his nose. Yet when he mentions going away for months, I have just said, good for you! Not, how can you afford it?????
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Once again it is the middle of the night/early morning and I can't sleep. I am not looking forward to seeing H tomorrow or having him here. I think I will only be rid of this constant "pecking" from him once he has reduced his "liabilities" to the absolute minumum. When he pays the least he can get away with, and have his freedom from being tied down as a hands on parent, without any obligtions to a wife, then he may let up on the pressure.
How do I separate issues of finance from general DBing?
Please help me with your thoughts on this. I have to face H quite soon.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Any advice on how to DB while not allowing oneself to be walked all over when discussing financial arrangements?
I emailed H this morning, a fairly bright and breezy post. H replied, but stuck to his main point about wanting to pay less. When I mention other things, like how D needs more help (from him) with her homework and things like that, he doesn't ever address those issues.
H wants me to agree to less payment from a specific date. I am sort of scrabbling around for work whenever I can get it. It is NOT stable work, with any guarantees. What is even "FAIR" in this situation? I don't know any more. It is his interests against mine. My one aim in all this was not to rock D's boat - keep her life as stable as before, just continuing on. Same school, same house, same friends etc etc. Maybe that is unrealistic.
I asked if he would help me blow up balloons for D's party, and he said he would be in other city until just before the party. However, if he came back in time, he would, he just couldn't promise anything (from past experience, this means, very unlikely!!!). I do feel H does just what he pleases, and takes what he needs from others and hang the rest. I mean, this is HIS D's party. Let's see if I can get him to help me clear up afterwards!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
First - clarify your goals for this encounter. As for the money issue - I think I'vealready asked but forgotten theanswer - is he currently paying more or less than the courts would make him pay in a divorce? If the lesser amount is less than the courts would dictate, then it might be worthwhile to point that out to him.
Maybe if you just filled him in on more details about ways you have considered to increase your income he would soften a bit? Or maybe for now you should just VALIDATE (I understand it is a burden supporting two households") and ask to discuss it at another time when D isn't around - you don't want to spoil her birthday by getting into money discussions.
Then - have the best PMA you can muster. Slip a card into your pocket with DBing notes that you can peek at whenever you need reminding - "validate, 180s, PMA, will this get you closer to your goal?, "etc. Then look sexy as heck and let him see your thong peeking out
Still, we had a fun time in good company, and we enjoyed lots of laughs.
