I thought it was time for a new thread, even though the previous one didn't get locked out. I just felt I needed to shift into a different gear.
I have had a major backslide, in a way, these last few weeks since returning from my vacation. Though I realize it wasn't so much a backslide as allowing stuff that was anyway just bubbling below the surface to burst through into the open.
I am still reacting to H, instead of listening, and I'm not really validating anything much. I have a vast score card in my brain of all the wrongs he has perpetuated against me - and of course they are all things which in my mind were reasons why I *might* have behaved badly back towards to him. But where is this score keeping getting me, or us?
I am edging towards just washing myself clean of the burden of blame, and scores, and bitterness. It really doesn't matter any more, it will only ever be a burden. Why carry it around?
If I truly love my H, then I am happy if he is happy. I am happy if my D is happy visiting H and his OW. I am finally beginning to understand that my H must have been very unhappy to have left - and though I would not have done what he did, that was his way out of unhappiness. I also understand that OW no.1 (my friend) was very unhappy with her M and that is why she clung on to my H as relief. I don't condone this behaviour in either of them, but I feel forgiveness, towards OW no.2 as well.
It is certainly not my place to punish any wrong-doing on their part, if that is what they have done. It comes as a natural consequence of our behaviour. It will be part of our learning process. I myself am being 'punished' in a sense, by reaping what I have sown in our M. Obviously I was not very wise in the way I behaved with my H. If he was such an awful, unredeemable person, then I would just be grateful to be well shot of him.
The same sort of principle applies to my D, when I find myself getting outraged at her behaviour. It is not really effective to be continally punishing her (that hurts ME terribly) but it IS my job to be GUIDING her. Guiding comes from love, punishing comes from taking things personally and getting angry. Anger is getting me nowhere, fast. Or at least, nowhere positive!
I am learning a little bit more about GRACE, and letting go a bit more about being RIGHT.
Just want to end by telling you about a small incident that happened recently.
It was just around bedtime for D, and she did or said something that was "wrong" or "rude" (I already forget which) and I immediatley reacted with anger, and said NO STORY! She was in a huff and didn't kiss me goodnight. I felt justified in closing the door and leaving her there. After all, she had been behaving badly for days now...
I then remembered a memoir I was reading, where as a child the author was tortured by her mother's constant anger at her. Did I want my D to remember the anger from me more than the love?
About ten minutes later I returned to the room and put on the light, and the look of confusion and surprise on my D's face was priceless. She looked at me as I sat down on the bed and opened her book. When I invited her to come sit next to me, she fairly flew into my arms and snuggled up close. We had a lovely story session, and as I was leaving the second time, I just quietly said that I wished she would try not to indulge in such unpleasant behaviour. The next morning she was back to her cheerful, cooperative self, and has been ever since.
If I had waited for her to admit her mistake, or waited for an apology, it might never have happened. I allowed myself to overlook her minor childish wrong-doing and was richly rewarded.
May we all learn more GRACE. Amen.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Sometimes when people are at their most unlovable, they need it the most. It has been my experience that kids act out when they need attention/love. Even "bad" attention is better than none.
That theory applies to adults, too. Way to go, Lnl! For stepping back and seeing what was really there!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
After yesterday's speech, here's my first opportunity to demonstrate my new frame of mind. I would appreciate any thoughts from you about what to do.
Yesterday, I emailed H with an invite to D's party (a copy of the one she sent to her friends, which we had designed on the computer) and asked H if he could make it. He had mentioned in passing last week that he would see if he could come. The party is one evening next week, straight after school.
I got a reply back saying he would love to be at the party, but unless he can make arrangements to stay somewhere in the city, he won't be able to attend. Then says, anyway, I will take D out for lunch again from school that day.
My natural instinct, as all of you who have been following this thread will know, is to just say, well, come and stay the night here. I don't know if this is advisable.
One reason is that after he stayed here and he brought OW 2 as well, I vowed then he wouldn't stay here again, and especially not when I wasn't here. I have definitely made a decision not to lay myself open to humiliation from H.
He also mentions taking D out to lunch and not inviting me, which leads me to believe he is coming down to the city with OW 2. He has been hounding me for a lunch date, and now he has completely dropped it.
Also, I don't want to appear pursuing. It would be nice for H to attend his D's party, so if I invited him he might consider coming down on his own and spending the night, I suppose.
What do you think?
Hey Soup - I can guess you will say to invite him, and have no expectations, and don't take any negative answer personally, right? Ellie?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I've been excited about your new line of thinking, and love the new name. Glad to see you decided to go back to basics and look for a different perspective.
So, you know me... have to call something out there that is a resentment trap.
Quote: He also mentions taking D out to lunch and not inviting me, which leads me to believe he is coming down to the city with OW 2. He has been hounding me for a lunch date, and now he has completely dropped it.
LNL, do you see the assumption you're making here?
Could it be possible that the reason he's dropped including you is because of the negative communications he's had with you over the past few days? Maybe he finds this as tiring as you do?
I know there are times when I want to ask Mr. Wonderful to do something with me and the girls on weekends that I have them. I'm a lot less inclined to make the offer if he's moody and sullen than if he's acting as if he's happy. It doesn't mean that I don't want to do it anymore, it's just that I think his frame of mind is something I just don't want to deal with until it passes.
Just my .02 worth. Back to you, Ellie and Soup...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The same thought crossed my mind, although I didn't mention it here. I guess it is/was a defensive reaction taken to shield myself from further pain. Early this summer I felt very used indeed.
How to lay one's boundaries and so avoid being a doormat, WITHOUT being aggressive, defensive, seeming unfriendly, etc, is the question, isn't it?
Should I just extend the overnight offer and take it from there? At this moment I really am most interested in having a harmonious relationship with H so that when we communicate about D it is done in an atmosphere of cooperation and friendliness. I don't want to dread H's emails and phone calls. I also want D to feel close to H, and not as if I am an impediment to their R in any way.
I can see another problem coming up. D is currently looking at various after-school activities, as so little is offered at school itself - things like dance, sport etc. The two things she likes and thinks she wants to do both have classes lateish on Friday. H last year grumbled that when D had a class on Friday, she couldn't get a Friday lift up to the hills with his landlord. He made it sound as if I had deliberately chosen that day to annoy him. I really am stretched to the limit in the evenings - only have a bike so can't go right the other side of town to take and fetch D from classes, as well as have free time to get students of my own in the evenings... Then some classes clash with each other anyway. On top of that, H doesn't want her to do anything on Friday. How to juggle it all? I guess I need to talk to him on the phone about all this. All along, he has said he is coming down to the city to live, but it looks like it won't happen for quite a while yet.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: How to lay one's boundaries and so avoid being a doormat, WITHOUT being aggressive, defensive, seeming unfriendly, etc, is the question, isn't it?
I just want to enlarge on this. Here's how the dynamic seems to have worked in the past.
I am open with H, have him stay at my place, take D into town for H to take her up to hills etc etc. He comes to expect this as of right. If he does something to make me feel used, humiliated, etc, and I pull back, even politely, then H gets very affronted and the aggression starts. Sometimes I just may not wish to do something that H wants.
Say H stays the night here. He may become used to the idea that he is always welcome, when he needs somewhere to stay. If for some reason I can't or don't want to have him to stay, then it will start the cycle all over again, as he will take any refusal personally.
Does this make sense, or do I just seem small minded?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Betsey