I thought it was time for a new thread, even though the previous one didn't get locked out. I just felt I needed to shift into a different gear.
I have had a major backslide, in a way, these last few weeks since returning from my vacation. Though I realize it wasn't so much a backslide as allowing stuff that was anyway just bubbling below the surface to burst through into the open.
I am still reacting to H, instead of listening, and I'm not really validating anything much. I have a vast score card in my brain of all the wrongs he has perpetuated against me - and of course they are all things which in my mind were reasons why I *might* have behaved badly back towards to him. But where is this score keeping getting me, or us?
I am edging towards just washing myself clean of the burden of blame, and scores, and bitterness. It really doesn't matter any more, it will only ever be a burden. Why carry it around?
If I truly love my H, then I am happy if he is happy. I am happy if my D is happy visiting H and his OW. I am finally beginning to understand that my H must have been very unhappy to have left - and though I would not have done what he did, that was his way out of unhappiness. I also understand that OW no.1 (my friend) was very unhappy with her M and that is why she clung on to my H as relief. I don't condone this behaviour in either of them, but I feel forgiveness, towards OW no.2 as well.
It is certainly not my place to punish any wrong-doing on their part, if that is what they have done. It comes as a natural consequence of our behaviour. It will be part of our learning process. I myself am being 'punished' in a sense, by reaping what I have sown in our M. Obviously I was not very wise in the way I behaved with my H. If he was such an awful, unredeemable person, then I would just be grateful to be well shot of him.
The same sort of principle applies to my D, when I find myself getting outraged at her behaviour. It is not really effective to be continally punishing her (that hurts ME terribly) but it IS my job to be GUIDING her. Guiding comes from love, punishing comes from taking things personally and getting angry. Anger is getting me nowhere, fast. Or at least, nowhere positive!
I am learning a little bit more about GRACE, and letting go a bit more about being RIGHT.
Just want to end by telling you about a small incident that happened recently.
It was just around bedtime for D, and she did or said something that was "wrong" or "rude" (I already forget which) and I immediatley reacted with anger, and said NO STORY! She was in a huff and didn't kiss me goodnight. I felt justified in closing the door and leaving her there. After all, she had been behaving badly for days now...
I then remembered a memoir I was reading, where as a child the author was tortured by her mother's constant anger at her. Did I want my D to remember the anger from me more than the love?
About ten minutes later I returned to the room and put on the light, and the look of confusion and surprise on my D's face was priceless. She looked at me as I sat down on the bed and opened her book. When I invited her to come sit next to me, she fairly flew into my arms and snuggled up close. We had a lovely story session, and as I was leaving the second time, I just quietly said that I wished she would try not to indulge in such unpleasant behaviour. The next morning she was back to her cheerful, cooperative self, and has been ever since.
If I had waited for her to admit her mistake, or waited for an apology, it might never have happened. I allowed myself to overlook her minor childish wrong-doing and was richly rewarded.
May we all learn more GRACE. Amen.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
