Quote: Rush Sex, yeah, that is an instant board classic, Mojo!
I too would nauseate intensely if I had to have sex with him tonight. However, I never would have married him--or been at all attracted to him--in the first place.
The pathetic thing is that after I wrote that post, I started to try and imagine circumstances under which I might have sex with Rush.
1) Alone on desert island with no hope of rescue. 2) Diet of fish and tropical fruit and hard work in the sun and water massively improves his appearance. 3) The only books on the island are "The Grapes of Wrath", and "Woman on the Edge of Time" after repeated readings Rush breaks down weeping and repents his life of wrong-minded evil.
That might do it.
Quote: He really did a number on me but I have forgiven and (mostly) forgotten. All I can do now is to trust that he will not make the choice again to disconnect from me and this marriage.
How do you get to be that trusting? If my H were a stock I was investing in, I would say that I would trust him to do well when the market was up, but I would be afraid that he would crash completely when the market was down. I have some control over the market in that I can do things to improve myself and my sexual confidence, but all markets have their ups and downs and I have no way to judge a stock's future performance except by it's past performance. When things have gotten stressful in our marriage, my H's performance has been consistently disappointing and I'm not just talking about sex.
I thought of one illustration of this when I was reading about GL's tubal pregnancy. I came down with appendicitis when I was 6 mos. pregnant with our D13. It came on suddenly and it was pretty scary since it was abdominal pain and I was pregnant. My H took me to the hospital and they started running tests. They couldn't give me any pain killer because it might have complicated things so I was quite miserable. It got to be late in the evening and they still hadn't determined what was wrong. MY H DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED TO GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP. They couldn't get him or my parents on the phone when they decided I needed surgery, so I had major surgery while 6 mos. pregnant all by myself at the hospital and nobody even knew I had surgery until I woke up the next morning. If that story didn't get the hankies out, let me mention again the fact that 2 days after my father died I was sitting on our living room sofa weeping. My H remained at the other end of the sofa and wouldn't even give me a hug when I asked for one.
This is my dilemma. How can I trust my H to be there for me when circumstances are such that I can't be strong and confident? I suppose you could say that I was strong because I already got through some things on my own, but the fact of the matter is that it really s*cked.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: It got to be late in the evening and they still hadn't determined what was wrong. MY H DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED TO GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP. They couldn't get him or my parents on the phone when they decided I needed surgery, so I had major surgery while 6 mos. pregnant all by myself at the hospital and nobody even knew I had surgery until I woke up the next morning. If that story didn't get the hankies out, let me mention again the fact that 2 days after my father died I was sitting on our living room sofa weeping. My H remained at the other end of the sofa and wouldn't even give me a hug when I asked for one.
Oh God, this absolutely breaks my heart. I wish one of the current or former LDs reading this board would please try explain this behavior.
Truly, I don't see how you can trust him.
A few weeks ago, I was having some strange symptoms in the afternoon at one of my client's. A guy there-- a colleague-- offered to take me to the ER. My bf was working in the garden at my house about 40 miles away. I called him and told him what was up. I didn't really want him to come right then, and that's not what my post is about. My post is about how this practically total stranger from work went with me to the ER, sat with me for several hours while they determined I was having an attack of hypoglycemia. This guy was SO sweet to me, didn't act bored, didn't act like I was ruining his day, didn't chide me or make me feel like a hysterical female. Several times I told him he could leave if he wanted to, but he insisted on staying-- he was so cheerful and supportive the whole time. I doubt if I could have expected that totally supportive attitude from my bf.
Time. Over the course of the past two years he has proved to me that this M is more important to him than anything else. Not that his record is perfect (you all know differently) but he gets it right more than he gets it wrong. Also...I don't know...I just SEE a difference in him that wasn't there prior to this.
Mojo, your H. I don't know what to say about that except that his social skills are so very poor that he can't deal with things at ALL. Or rather, his coping skills. It seems that he is so utterly dependent on you to be the strong and competent one that when you can't perform that function, he crumbles. Maybe that's why this SSM thing is really throwing him...he is having to rely on himself.
I cannot believe he would leave your side at the hospital for sleep. It is hard to come up with anything other than "jackass" to describe that.
But having said that, I still don't believe it is out of malice. I truly believe the guy loves you, but I don't think he freaks himself out in scary and/or intimate situations and runs, either literally or figuratively. (ie, the sitting on the same couch but no dice on the hug)
Continue to work your magic on him and I'll bet that his social/coping skills improve along with the sex. The less you function for him, the more he will have to do on his own.
Lill explained: My post is about how this practically total stranger from work went with me to the ER, sat with me for several hours while they determined I was having an attack of hypoglycemia. This guy was SO sweet to me, didn't act bored, didn't act like I was ruining his day, didn't chide me or make me feel like a hysterical female. Several times I told him he could leave if he wanted to, but he insisted on staying-- he was so cheerful and supportive the whole time. -------------------
Wow! That was a nice guy! How long after this experience until this guy made a move to get into your pants?
Dad's Rule #1 - Every guy that is being nice to you wants in your pants.
Dad's Rule #2 - Every guy that is mean to you wants in your pants.
I thought of one illustration of this when I was reading about GL's tubal pregnancy. I came down with appendicitis when I was 6 mos. pregnant with our D13. It came on suddenly and it was pretty scary since it was abdominal pain and I was pregnant. My H took me to the hospital and they started running tests. They couldn't give me any pain killer because it might have complicated things so I was quite miserable. It got to be late in the evening and they still hadn't determined what was wrong. MY H DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED TO GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP. They couldn't get him or my parents on the phone when they decided I needed surgery, so I had major surgery while 6 mos. pregnant all by myself at the hospital and nobody even knew I had surgery until I woke up the next morning. If that story didn't get the hankies out, let me mention again the fact that 2 days after my father died I was sitting on our living room sofa weeping. My H remained at the other end of the sofa and wouldn't even give me a hug when I asked for one.
This is my dilemma. How can I trust my H to be there for me when circumstances are such that I can't be strong and confident? I suppose you could say that I was strong because I already got through some things on my own, but the fact of the matter is that it really s*cked.
Ahh, Mo. That s*cked slugs on ice.
Some people are emotionally retarded at times. This was one of those times. Your lack of trust is understandable. Trust comes with experiences over time. Have you ever told him how devastating his actions were and did he get it?
MM wrote:
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This is my dilemma. How can I trust my H to be there for me when circumstances are such that I can't be strong and confident? I suppose you could say that I was strong because I already got through some things on my own, but the fact of the matter is that it really s*cked.
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I remember this coming up in another of your threads.
Have you ever told him what these actions did to you? How they made you feel? Has he apologized for what he didn't do?
You know how I feel about this kind of behavior, and there is no excuse for it. Also, it is not a high drive, low drive, male or female issue, it is a human issue.
I don't recall if you have spoken to him about these incidents, if not, you need to clearly spell out how he failed and then ask him for the reason he failed. I would also want to know how he was going to prevent this from reoccurring.
A failure to provide basic support for a loved one is an issue that needs immediate attention, possibly professional. His actions where completely disrespectful.
Having said that, his actions were likely from confusion rather than malice or a lack of care. Regardless, he needs to face up to what he has done and have a plan to prevent a similar incident the next time it comes up.
I put this kind of neglect, intentional or not, at the same level as an affair. There needs to be an accounting and a plan of prevention for the future.
Off my soap box now.
Hang in there MM.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Where does my bf fit into this, since he doesn't seem to want to get into my pants? -------------------
The only response I can come up with is the painful one that fits me. I don't know who to credit the quote, "The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference."
Quote: Have you ever told him how devastating his actions were and did he get it?
Actually I brought up some of this stuff recently because I knew I had to overcome my resentment if we were going to move forward. At first he became angry and asked how I could possibly love him when I remember all sorts of horrible things that he has done. He admitted that he was a jerk for doing these things, especially not supporting me when my father died. He said he remembers the incident on the sofa clearly. He said it was like part of him was disgusted watching himself behave like such a jerk but he couldn't make himself behave any better. I told him, truthfully, that if I hadn't been devastated by grief at the time, I probably would have left him right then because the thought that ran through my head was "What is the point of being married to someone if they can't even support you at a time like this.". I don't think that he is heartless, I think that he is weak and I don't think it is possible for me to continue to be married to him if he doesn't get stronger unless I am consciously willing to make a huge sacrifice. I would like to believe that he can get stronger, but I have my doubts.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If that story didn't get the hankies out, let me mention again the fact that 2 days after my father died I was sitting on our living room sofa weeping. My H remained at the other end of the sofa and wouldn't even give me a hug when I asked for one.
