Time. Over the course of the past two years he has proved to me that this M is more important to him than anything else. Not that his record is perfect (you all know differently) but he gets it right more than he gets it wrong. Also...I don't know...I just SEE a difference in him that wasn't there prior to this.
Mojo, your H. I don't know what to say about that except that his social skills are so very poor that he can't deal with things at ALL. Or rather, his coping skills. It seems that he is so utterly dependent on you to be the strong and competent one that when you can't perform that function, he crumbles. Maybe that's why this SSM thing is really throwing him...he is having to rely on himself.
I cannot believe he would leave your side at the hospital for sleep. It is hard to come up with anything other than "jackass" to describe that.
But having said that, I still don't believe it is out of malice. I truly believe the guy loves you, but I don't think he freaks himself out in scary and/or intimate situations and runs, either literally or figuratively. (ie, the sitting on the same couch but no dice on the hug)
Continue to work your magic on him and I'll bet that his social/coping skills improve along with the sex. The less you function for him, the more he will have to do on his own.
