Quick Question

[MJontheMend]

Rush Sex, yeah, that is an instant board classic, Mojo!

I too would nauseate intensely if I had to have sex with him tonight. However, I never would have married him--or been at all attracted to him--in the first place.

The pathetic thing is that after I wrote that post, I started to try and imagine circumstances under which I might have sex with Rush.

1) Alone on desert island with no hope of rescue.
2) Diet of fish and tropical fruit and hard work in the sun and water massively improves his appearance.
3) The only books on the island are "The Grapes of Wrath", and "Woman on the Edge of Time" after repeated readings Rush breaks down weeping and repents his life of wrong-minded evil.

That might do it.

He really did a number on me but I have forgiven and (mostly) forgotten. All I can do now is to trust that he will not make the choice again to disconnect from me and this marriage.

How do you get to be that trusting? If my H were a stock I was investing in, I would say that I would trust him to do well when the market was up, but I would be afraid that he would crash completely when the market was down. I have some control over the market in that I can do things to improve myself and my sexual confidence, but all markets have their ups and downs and I have no way to judge a stock's future performance except by it's past performance. When things have gotten stressful in our marriage, my H's performance has been consistently disappointing and I'm not just talking about sex.

I thought of one illustration of this when I was reading about GL's tubal pregnancy. I came down with appendicitis when I was 6 mos. pregnant with our D13. It came on suddenly and it was pretty scary since it was abdominal pain and I was pregnant. My H took me to the hospital and they started running tests. They couldn't give me any pain killer because it might have complicated things so I was quite miserable. It got to be late in the evening and they still hadn't determined what was wrong. MY H DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED TO GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP. They couldn't get him or my parents on the phone when they decided I needed surgery, so I had major surgery while 6 mos. pregnant all by myself at the hospital and nobody even knew I had surgery until I woke up the next morning. If that story didn't get the hankies out, let me mention again the fact that 2 days after my father died I was sitting on our living room sofa weeping. My H remained at the other end of the sofa and wouldn't even give me a hug when I asked for one.

This is my dilemma. How can I trust my H to be there for me when circumstances are such that I can't be strong and confident? I suppose you could say that I was strong because I already got through some things on my own, but the fact of the matter is that it really s*cked.