So my H does, after all, have hot blood running through his veins!
I have to say that I have never known any movie, song, television show or book to get my H's blood flowin.
Well I take that back. There was one book and he read the steamy part, ML to me that night and then refused to read anymore of it.
Who knows. Rebecca may have gotten him all fired up..that is the body style that he is undeniably attracted to. Tall, thin, leggy. Oh and with no pregnant gut! LOL
However, I am sticking with my earlier theory that states that he is just a PITA. Gets all bent out of shape when I am not here to be his "blanky" and help him fall asleep.
But like I told GGB I will not totally discount the "H was horny and irritated that I was not here" theory, as FAR OUT as I truly believe it to be.
Thanks for the synopsis of the movie. I did glance up and notice that, for a mutant, she was not really that scary or interesting, lol. My H is just so specific in the things that turn him on that I find it hard to believe that a woman in blue body paint could do the trick.
I know all you HD guys are probably shaking your head right now that a man could look at a nekkid RRS with blue paint on and not see anything remotely sexy, but I can assure you that it is possible. In fact, I am going to ask him tonight about her and see if I'm right or not.
What can I say, waiting for a baby to arrive is boring business.
Quote: Her and I ended up getting into a conversation in which she revealed that her H would probably want sex that night and she couldn't help it..she felt rage and nausea at the thought of it. I said, Nausea?? She replied that the sight of him nauseated her most of the time. I tried not to personalize this (and jump to conclusions about H) so I said very little. She knows that I am HD and that I do NOT get this type of thinking at all. I just tried to empathize with her that having those sorts of feelings about your spouse would indeed be very hard to deal with.
Oh, wow! The thought that my wife could actually feel this way about me scares me to death. Think about the position your SIL is in. She can't tell her H this. But she has to. How can they ever achieve any kind of intimacy if she can't disclose this, if they can't explore from where this feeling comes?
The most troubling aspect of my situation is that I can't even get my wife to talk about it. I have to face the possibility that it is because she is harboring feelings that she can't disclose to me.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: Well I take that back. There was one book and he read the steamy part, ML to me that night and then refused to read anymore of it.
See, perhaps he's got it in him after all W skips the steamy parts in books and averts her eyes for the steamy scenes in movies (she also frequently covers my eyes at those times, including every single victoria's secret commercial...which I find mildly amusing and annoying). I'd be dishonest if I said the thought of giving her the clockwork orange treatment (where they pin the eyes open) hadn't crossed my mind on a few occasions.
Regarding MrHP, yeah, maybe he was just irritated you weren't there. It does seem odd to me though that he consistently laments that you should have ML the following day.
I once thought this might a possibility w/ my W too. I now am pretty confident that it is not the case. Still it is scary to think someone you married could be harboring these feelings.
HP, did she elaborate on it at all? One of the things I like about this BB is the generous LD's who post their thoughts here (thanks Corri). It would be interesting and valuable to learn more of why she has these feelings, how their relationship is etc. Is this MrHP's sister or is it your brother's W? (I think you might have said but I dont recall).
He found the book to be disgusting simply because it included a scene where the man makes love to a woman. (his wife had just died and he was grieving) The rest of the book contained NO further sex and it was actually an excellent book but that one scene put H off. Rather, his reaction to this scene put him off. He felt gross about himself because it turned him on. I did not touch that one with a ten foot pole except to note that there was nothing to be ashamed of and I was sorry he felt like that, cause he was missing out on a really good book. (Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett, incidentally)
The sex-after-being-a-turd thing is more like this: Boy, I was being a jerk last night. I think I needed to have sex. I was just too irritated to even go there. I couldn't sleep all night...I bet I would have slept great if we would have had sex. Hey! All this talk about sex is turning me on and I want to have sex tonight. Sorry I was such a jerk last night..I was just irritated/sleepy/stretchy/hot/etc.
So it is as if, on some level, he recognizes that sex is both the thing that will alleviate his problems and the thing that is making him most irritated (knowing that I would have sex in a heartbeat, which he interprets as pressure).
Interesting huh!
Solid, I felt excessively sorry for BIL, knowing that he goes on with his life trying to please SIL and having no real knowledge of the depth of her disgust for him. Now, he is no saint to live with and I am not defending him 100%..there are a lot of areas that would make me furious with him too. But to experience rage and nausea when you look at him? Almost every time? There's something not quite right about that. He is overall an excellent husband to her. It is as if resentment and disillusionment has SO clouded her judgement of him that she is caught in the cycle of: feeling nauseated by him, knowing she must provide sex cause she is his wife, feeling even more disgusted cause she 'has' to have sex with him, feeling resentment and then the resentment causes the rage and nausea.
I have NO idea what to say to her in regards to getting out of this cycle. I do feel badly for her; she is one of my dearest friends. She is my H's sister and they look exactly alike, btw, so it is hard for me to talk to her about this stuff cause I inevitably am picturing MY husband's face saying this stuff instead of hers. Wierd!
GGB, She did not elaborate much on it cause my eyes accidentally flew wide open when she said that, I was so taken aback. I have been married to my H for 9 years and there has never been one time that he nauseated me. Sure I've felt rage towards him or not been attracted to him but never nausea. She did then go into a time this past week when he came home and was telling her a story and was not his usual self. He was really being animated and funny and putting his whole self into this story. She said, He looked SO desirable to me at that moment!
So there is a huge portion of truth to what Corri and MrsNOP say about letting your spouse see the innermost you can have the result that you suddenly look desirable to them.
I don't think that SIL understands, though, that it is SO hard to show that side of yourself when you are getting rejected 99% of the time. Or when showing that side of yourself does not net any real results. It all starts to seem futile. I would never say that to her and just showed as much compassion as I could, with absolutely no judgement call showing on my face or voice.
I just showed approval at her "desirable" story and hoped that she will look for more moments like this, instead of focusing on the nausea.
Quote: she felt rage and nausea at the thought of it.
On the one hand, I can understand this completely. I would feel rage and nausea if, for instance, I feared that I might have to have sex with Rush Limbaugh tonight. The question is how do you get to the point that your H is the equivalent of Rush Limbaugh? Why would you stay married to someone you found so repulsive? My H denies that he ever found me repulsive, but I think that he must have on some level. This is the hardest thing that the HD spouse has to deal with in order to be successful. In order to change whatever it is about you that your spouse finds repulsive, you first have to own up to the fact that your spouse did find you repulsive and this shines a very negative light on your marital history. Actually, this is probably the basis of any desire I still harbor to flee my marriage post haste. I can't bear the thought that I might become repulsive to him again. I don't trust myself to remain continuously sexually confident(we all have bad days and bad years and we all get old) and I would feel a lot safer if I was married to someone whose desire was less fickle. I have terrible thoughts like- What if I get breast cancer and he can't bring himself to touch me afterwards?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Rush Sex, yeah, that is an instant board classic, Mojo!
I too would nauseate intensely if I had to have sex with him tonight. However, I never would have married him--or been at all attracted to him--in the first place.
I don't understand how a person can feel disgusted by someone that they once found attractive. Disillusioned, yes. Resentful towards, yes. But nauseated? This seems so harsh . That is really putting a whole different spin on things and has, imo, gone past any kind of normal LD feeling of just not being in the mood or feeling overwhelmed by another's demands on you.
Or maybe I just don't understand being LD at all and this is quite normal and to be expected!
I don't believe that my H was ever nauseated by me. But I do believe that he was disillusioned by the person I had become, inside and outside. I did not lose all of the baby weight after D5 and this impacted his desire for me and compounded whatever religious hangups he was having. After all, it is MUCH easier to deny yourself the pleasure of sex..all in the name of being more devout...when your spouse isn't doing all that much for you in the first place. I don't think it ever got close to the nausea stage; I think he simply was less turned on by my postpartum body.
Now the converse was only sortof true. On one hand, he WAS more attracted to me after D2's birth when I lost all of the weight and returned to my normal shape of 5' 9" and 132 lbs. On the other, it wasn't a failsafe guarantee that he would want me. Sometimes it affected him and other times it didn't. Sometimes a certain pair of jeans (oh how I long to wear those babies about now!:) would drive him crazy, other times he could care less and not even notice.
However, I live with the same fear that you have: namely that if it can happen once, it can happen again. I used to harangue my poor husband for reassurance constantly that this was not going to happen again. He got fed up with that but I was a bottomless pit of neediness. How desirable, right! But having your H tell you that he wasn't sure "where a wife fit into things anymore" (meaning should he have been a priest) was terrifying. I had a 2 yo and a newborn when he made this announcement. I did not fear him leaving me for financial reasons; rather, I was just PISSED that he would even be considering this in the first place. For sooo many reasons--I am a stellar wife, if I do say so myself; he should have never married if he felt such a strong pull to the religious life; I was damned attractive and felt trapped with a man who would rather go to church than ML to me...gosh the list was endless on why I was mad at him. It took me a long time to let go of this. My point is that I was really in shock that any man could have not been thrilled to have me as a wife. The thought was devastating that my H was able to resist me with ease and needed me much less than I him.
BUT, that was then, this is now. He no longer feels that way and cannot believe that he was once capable of such a massive disconnect.
For my part, I do believe that the chances of this happening again are verrrrry slim. But the fear lingers and never totally goes away. That is why it is so hard for me to join him in spiritual discussions--because it is a trigger for me...I think that by filling his love tank this way that I am somehow encouraging him to nurture this side of himself and that it will feel so good and natural to him that I will lose him forever.
He really did a number on me but I have forgiven and (mostly) forgotten. All I can do now is to trust that he will not make the choice again to disconnect from me and this marriage.
I DO trust him but I have to say that the wide-eyed girl who married him is gone. I used to believe that nothing could affect his love and devotion to me and now I know better. So those initial feelings are gone, but they have been replaced by feelings of someone who has been emotionally abandoned and worked their way back and now CHOOSES to be married to him.
Ok, enough rumination. Let's get back to the nausea. I thought about it today and realized that there are definitely cases where I could become nauseated by the sight of him...such as if he became obese, or stopped brushing his teeth and they rotted, or stopped bathing and smelled like a sewer, or he became addicted to drugs or alcohol and was never sober, or he began abusing me, etc. In these cases yes I would be nauseated by him.
But back to my SIL...that isn't her problem. Her H takes excellent care of himself and is a handsome guy. So there is more to that story I guess.
W skips the steamy parts in books and averts her eyes for the steamy scenes in movies (she also frequently covers my eyes at those times, including every single victoria's secret commercial...which I find mildly amusing and annoying). I'd be dishonest if I said the thought of giving her the clockwork orange treatment (where they pin the eyes open) hadn't crossed my mind on a few occasions. 