The date turned out ok. We got into it almost as soon as he arrived home but it stayed plenty civil and we had worked through it before we left. He did call and reschedule the time frame, so that was good.
The date was a little tense but we managed to overcome it, I am happy to say. This was the first time we have left our kids with a babysitter (and not Grandma) so that was a large part of his anxiety and wanting to return early. I knew this but I don't think I understood how much it was bothering him.
We talked at length about his falling asleep and how I feel when it happens. We then talked about my reaction to it. He accused me of "icing him out". I said that in the past I did this with a vengeance but that can't be said anymore. I said that I was cheerful and pleasant to him but not "warm" and I wasn't seeking his personal space out and wasn't giving off the Come Over Here vibe to him, although I didn't refuse any affection from him. He said, Yes! That is just as wrong of you to do that as it is of me to fall asleep.
I said, Wait a minute. You fall asleep on me repeatedly, time and time again, with NO effort to quit doing this. Then when the next day arrives you want perfection from me. It is not good enough that I am hurt and trying to get over being rejected; I have to be PERFECT and exactly as I was the day before, when I felt sexy and confident.
He agreed that if I was to take his rejection in stride, that he couldn't necessarily expect me to be HAPPY about it, lol. I told him that I was doing the best I could do..just being nice and laughing with him and if I didn't initiate affection, well, that was too bad. I wasn't doing it to prove a point or withhold, it is just what feels natural the day after being rejected. He said that's fine but as the days go by you tend to get meaner. I said, Well of course! You crapped out on me and there is no follow up as to what you will do instead. You just avoid it all, though you know that will not get you positive results. He then got on the subject of an "opening". This is something we have talked about in the past. When he lets me down and I pull back a little (or a lot, depending on the situation) he said he feels he can't initiate anything..that it is too much work and there is no opening in which he can make his big kahuna moves. I said that what he was really after was for me to do the work for him and say, Come and get me--it's okay now.
I'm not going to do that.
If he feels that it is a legitimate move to continually fall asleep on your spouse then he will have to find a way to make his moves without me providing him with an easy way out of his own mess.
However, I am a softie when it comes to him and looking at him begging me for "openings" began to melt my heart towards him. I WANT to help him, folks. I just don't know if I am enabling him to continue to do stupid things if I show compassion. I mean, showing compassion should be a no-brainer but we are talking about something he does nearly every single week. At what point does a person's compassion run out?
So we need to find a way to get out of this particular quandary. When he screws up, he needs an opening to feel safe enough to approach the water again. This is human nature but it is MY nature to not want to provide that safety every single freakin week. We need a way to dialogue..or a sign..or some way to allow this opening to happen without the both of us feeling that we are violating our integrity.
So we hashed all this out and went on our date. At one point late in the date, I started to feel very horny. I know, I know, what a surprise Honeypot! I remembered my words to HDSocal and how I said that direct was the way to go and not sit back and wait for it to happen and then be disappointed when nothing happens. So I leaned over and said to him, "I want to ML tonight." (ha ha, socal, aren't I creative..same damn thing I said for you to say) He replied, Ok! Then he said "are you done looking at these things?" The mood for me was broken and I said, Uh sure we can go. Nothing more was said. I don't know how I thought he would react but I suppose I was thinking we could set some kind of sexy mood between us and we could go from there. He seemed very uncomfortable with that idea, although he was receptive to my suggestion and didn't outright reject it.
When we got home, he was joking around that I had better not let his head hit the pillow or all bets were off. Then we got on the topic of his desire. He said, "Well it is probably 10% your weight and shape....ok, 20%...(pause)" I interrupted to say "stop there! Don't tell me anymore..I can only deal with 20%!!" (we were laughing, btw) He went on to say that the rest was my attitude. Ie, just being pregnant and waddling and out of breath and softly moaning in the middle of the night when the baby is kicking the life outta me. He said he feels that he can't approach me for sex when I am already so miserable. I pointed out that this is PRECISELY what I have asked him to do to alleviate the physical misery. It is hard for him to do that, he said. Then he said that it is hard for him to get aroused by me when there is a baby in there that is as big as him. We both cracked up laughing and went to bed. ML and it was very good.
Hopefully baby will be here soon and H and I can get on with our LIVES. These pregnancies really throw our R for a loop. And the sex thing is an issue anyway, though not as bad as this.
