Living Again!

[psluke]

Now the help needed:

G has not replied to J yet. Yesterday he was trying to come up with ways to get at J and get her mad at D and to push him on the house sale. Well, as you can see I was pretty upset yesterday although my preference is a better way to poke her to use G's term than to poke at D.

When I get upset like that it generally doesn't last too long and today I feel it is meddling and trying to control the sitch if we try to direct an answer to get a desired response from her to then get a desired response from D.

I called G this morning and expressed this, he says no, it is all about leverage and that I have an interest in this house and I am getting no response from D.

I understand he is looking at it as a means to help accomplish an end. He sees this as getting her to push D so the house gets sold quicker.

Maybe it is because D was nice to me yesterday when I was at the house, he gave me one of his phones and offered me one of his crock pots. But I know when I am hurting or angry I might want to do something but really it is his life and NOT my place to stir up strife. But G sees it more as just business while I am looking at the emotional side.

When I called this morning he said he would send me the e-mail to look at before he responds to her.

I said it really isn't any of my business, that it is an e-mail to him from his ex.

He said but it is all about your house sitch so it does concern you, we didn't exactly reach an understanding.

Of course the fact that I caught him brushing his teeth probably didn't help.

My question is how to handle responding to G about his response to J and how is best to respond to J?

My suggestion was to just give her a short response saying, As far as he is aware of I am not trying to stall on the house and that he has offered to deal with D because I am having a difficult time with him on the house or something to that effect. It doesn't give her much info and it answers her direct questions.

I hope I made sense to someone here, as I am rather rattled.

[psluke]

Well, I am not really comfortable with it, but felt it wasn't my place to tell G what to respond to his ex. So here is his e-mail.

Hi J,

How about them Cards!!! They were 2 or 3 plays away from the upset.

I haven't heard from you in a while. How's it going with you? How are your Folks, Granddad, G, K and J? I hope all are in good health and spirits. I turned down another great west adventure with K L.

I've been very busy. It's amazing how much fun I'm having. I've taken 6 trips this year. One was the Montreal Jazz fest. What a great event and Montreal is a marvelous city to spend time in (during the summer.) I've also gone on 3 golf trips (Orlando, Hilton Head and Myrtle Beach.)

Enough about me and back to the subject at hand. I'm sure this is interesting with you getting one side and me the other. Here's my brief synopsis.....

Pam's ready to move on. She put money into the house that added value before the divorce was final. She has purchased a new house and moved. The house on P-K is the last thing that holds them together and she wants to cut it loose.

She doesn't go by the house everyday anymore, but when she does she is finding things that are breaking. She calls David (just like you would do - now you probably call your Daddy). She would like to know that he got the message and reacted to it.

The Realtor gave them a list of outside items that need to be completed before the house should go on the market. Has David asked for a received the inside list?

She'd like to know how the work is going. David doesn't reply. Maybe it's their past history - maybe they don't communicate very well. Imagine that -- a married couple (make that ex) that doesn't communicate well.:) She has gotten mixed signals, poor communication and procrastination from David since he filed for the divorce.

It took 17 months for the divorce to go through. That's ridicules considering David is the person that filed for divorce. Most of it was because he wouldn't do anything or make a decision. She doesn't want the house to take that long. Pam wants the house on the market December 1st. Will it be ready?

Since David and Pam have trouble communicating she thought that I would have better luck. You know the Engineer to Engineer thing. We could talk about task completion, Gantt charts, milestones and maybe it would get done quicker. I don't really want to do it, but I would to help out a friend.

I think that if David would develop a task list with the proposed and actual completion dates and send Pam an e-mail on the same day every week with an update of that weeks activities that would satisfy her.

In closing all I have to say is -- GET IT DONE -- David wanted this divorce and this is the last thing that keeps him in her life. Get over it move on.....

G

Here's an example

Task Proposed completion date Actual completion date Weekly activity update
1.
2.
3.

[sage]

Pam -- I've struggled all day with what to post to you on this topic...sigh...maybe I'm just too blunt or I don't know...but I think it's just NOT a good idea to have G involved AT ALL in this...I wouldn't have him get involved in your interest in the house or anything. It just seems like a tangled mess that is doomed.

That being said...the list that he proposes at the end of his e-mail is exactly what I've been suggesting all along...(must be the ENGINEER in me!)...an agreed upon list of who is doing what and when. I (personally) don't think that having that go from you -> G -> J -> D and back again is at all constructive...my two cents is go directly to D with a list of things you think need to occur before the sale and your stake in the ground on who will do what...

Sage

[psluke]

Sage,

I'm not comfortable with this many people involved either.

But D WILL NOT call me back or answer e-mails. If I don't happen to catch him at his desk or at the house there is no contact with him.

All that does is stress me out and tear me up.

G offered to deal with him as we know he can be reached at J's.

And I won't call there to deal with him.

[psluke]

I know this isn't what anyone would probably recommend but I can't really think of anyone else that would be willing to take it on and G will probably get some satisfaction out of it knowing that D had 2 affairs with his wife.

I am thinking of checking into what I need to do to give him power of attorney for me in regards to the house. That way he can even do the closing and I won't have to see D.

I had so hoped we would end this in a friendly manor. But D just isn't willing to work with me at all.

So maybe my best bet at this point is to finish getting my stuff out of PK and walk away from it and D like they never exhisted.

This has kept me tore up all day today. I was so hoping to come home and get some stuff done in my house and I just have a pounding headache.

Great timing with stepping down the ad's.

I don't understand D's continued need for being secretive and sneaky. We are divorced and everyone knows about the affair and that we need to deal with the house. Why not just stand up and deal with it at this point???

I guess I really DON'T understand him at all.

Plus I felt a bit steamrolled by G today. I don't know if you can pick it up but he at times I have discovered can have a very forceful personality. To me that e-mail FEELS forceful. Maybe because it is so nice and direct and unlike anything I would have written.

Anyway mentally and emotionally I do not feel capable of dealing with D by myself right now.

I was close to the edge Wednesday afternoon and too much of his crap again I am afraid would push me over.

[sage]

Pam --

But D WILL NOT call me back or answer e-mails. If I don't happen to catch him at his desk or at the house there is no contact with him.

All that does is stress me out and tear me up.

OK...first off, I'm very sorry that he's being unresponsive...so, you can keep trying the same old, same old...or you can try going about it a different way...

I don't know that we're gonna solve the "will D call me back" but maybe we can solve the "will we get these 5 things done" issue.

So...my suggestion is that YOU come up with a list of things that need to be done, proposed "owners", a timeline, etc. Validate it with your realtor (ASSuming that you guys have agreed on who will represent the house?).

Then send it to David and say "this is what I'm proposing. I'm happy to discuss it with you if you disagree with any of it. If I don't here from you by a week from now I'm assuming that you're in agreement."

You could even cc your lawyer.

My fear, though, is that you guys already HAVE a legal agreement that has somehow gotten lost.

WHAT was agreed to at the divorce? (You don't have to post it -- and I'd recommend that you DON'T but think about it and fold it into your proposal).

I'm also going to say (bluntly but not without compassion) that you've indicated that you've "gone off" on D of late...DB'ing is similar pre and post Divorce, Pam...if you want to encourage conversation, you have to make it "safe".

Sage

[psluke]

WHAT was agreed to at the divorce?

Honest what I posted this morning was all that was addressed about the house in the divorce decree.

When G tells me things that was in theirs I am amazed! There is almost nothing in ours other than there were no children, we each get what we brought in and what I posted about the house this morning. It is very simple and to me it is not very protective of either of us if either of us decided to become really difficult.

[psluke]

I'm also going to say (bluntly but not without compassion) that you've indicated that you've "gone off" on D of late...DB'ing is similar pre and post Divorce, Pam...if you want to encourage conversation, you have to make it "safe".

Maybe I am ready for it to just be over. I may have put all the energy and dbing into this R that I am capable of at this point.

But, Ms. Sage, THANK YOU. I KNOW I absoultely do NOT absorb almost anything when I am this stressed out.

I will read your posts after I calm down and feel better so I can pull the info that I need out of them and Thank you for being a friend.

[psluke]

Gee I am becoming totally paranoid about having someone upset with me!!!!!!!!

Now I am sitting here worrying that I have Sage upset with me. Ms. Sage I certainly hope I haven't upset you or lead you to feel I am brushing your suggestions/help off.

I think I definitely have lots of work yet to do to recuperate from this affair and divorce.

Why in the H*ll I still care about D I have NO idea. Maybe I really am a dumb blond.

S told me the other night instead of getting angry, I give, then when I should be angry over something I give some more till I emotionally have nothing left to give. Interesting thought, but I know that there is a stage in-between the giving where I am angry/emotional. Right now I FEEL emotionally and mentally drained.

Really hoping to talk with him again soon.

It is cold here today!!! I took some excedrin and turned the heat on, hope I get to feeling better soon.

I am going to lay down and try to think about some positive things in my life rather than all the problems I need to be dealing with!

[sage]

Gee I am becoming totally paranoid about having someone upset with me!!!!!!!!

Now I am sitting here worrying that I have Sage upset with me. Ms. Sage I certainly hope I haven't upset you or lead you to feel I am brushing your suggestions/help off.

Ms. Pam...you haven't upset me in the least...and frankly, even if you HAD (which you haven't!) isn't that about ME not about YOU?

I think it's wonderfully sensitive that you would be concerned, Pam...at the same time I think...what if Pam KNEW with all of her heart, that you can disagree or not take someone's advice, or even anger or upset someone and still have it be OK in the end?

AND...of course you still care about D! Why wouldn't you? I couldn't imagine it any other way...

I'm signing off for the night most likely (homework!) but I'll try to check in sometime tomorrow...

Sage