Swiped this from Sage as I need to remember some of these things!
Quote: I just finished reading a book called "The Zen of Listening" by Rebecca Shafir. I can't recall how I came to read the book so if someone on the BB recommended it -- a hearty thank you!
The basic premise is that meditation and mindfulness can enhance your listening skills and transform relationships. My "listening" is an area that I've worked on over the last few years but continues to be an "area of growth" as I like to think of it.
Here are some thoughts from the book
1. "If every time we met with someone and gave them our full and complete attention for four minutes come hell or high water, it could change our lives" -- Leonard and Natalie Zunin "The first four minutes"
I'm trying to apply this simple concept -- one thing I've noticed about myself is that when people approach me to chat I often put up a wall or defense -- mostly around "I only have X minutes" -- what I'm realizing is that letting people get their "intention" out really sets a positive stage for the conversation and if I have to defer it, they are more likely to be accepting of that because they already feel "heard"
2. (I found through the book that I am a "sometimes" listener) "Chances are your ability to concentrate may be at fault and/or you are a highly critical individual and quick to judge whether a listening opportunity is worthwhile. However, there have been times when you have experienced the satisfaction of being fully absorbed in what someone has to say. Imagine how successful and effective you could be if you would let yourself experience that sense of total absorption in every listening opportunity: (page 33)
3. "we find it difficult to separate observation of a situation, person or thing from an evaluation....our tendencies to observe and JUDGE at the same time can be called 'life-alienating communication'" (page 50)
4. "Some of us are uncomfortable with the idea of putting aside our egos to really listen and experience another's perspective. it may make us vulnerable to step out of the role we have learned to play...or perhaps we fear losing out objectivity." (page 55)
5. The author recommends approaching conversations as you would watch a movie...forgetting yourself for a while and immersing yourself in the "story". "Applying the movie mindset when listening opportunities arise teaches us to be sensitive to the speaker's needs and feelings." (page 87) "By forgetting about yourself for a few minutes, you glimpse how your speaker feels about his situation." (page 88)
6. "the speaker's views may shock, embarrass, aggravate or hurt you buy you have been truthful with your self in accepting the existence of another's reality. As a mindful listener, you strive to relate to the needs - positive or negative -- of the speaker." (page 88)
7. "..when you encounter a situation in which you need to listen well, ask yourself, 'what's his movie? What's her reality? How does he see things right now?' This gives you a window into that person's world and a chance to give your own agenda a rest....Our powerful self-interests set limits on what we permit ourselves to experience. Why not turn those self interests into an interested self?" (page 89-90)
8. "silence is one of the most powerful response modes, but -- regrettably -- the least practiced. (It is important to note here the distinction between attentive silence and silence born of anger, boredom or lack of interest...This kind of silence can be destructive to any relationship.) If you can remain silent, keeping eye contact with the person who has just spoken, you hold the key to the treasury of information to come." (page 129) -- I cannot reinforce this statement strongly enough! Learning how to slow down and be quiet really, really has allowed me to "hear" other people because I'm finally letting them get a word in edgewise!!!
9. "Negative self-talk, mentioned earlier as a major barrier to listening, is an internal source of anxiety. It creates an inner noise that foils our attempts to listen effectively. We overreact to these thoughts, real or imagined, cause our blood pressure to rise and our normal bodily functions -- breathing, digesting and speaking -- to become dysfunctional. Negative self-talk subverts the mind-body balance needed to think clearly and act effectively, particularly in stressful encounters." (pp 184-5)
I could go on
Turns out the author of the book is local to me so I'm going to look into a workshop.
Even though things are going pretty well in my life I seem to have days I just want to lay down and cry, go to bed and not get out of it to have to deal with anything.
I have no idea why this is, left over stress in these wrapping up stages? Just me and I'll never change the fact that maybe I NEED something to be unhappy about because I don't feel I deserve to be happy? Just depression in general?
No thoughts at the moment just wish it would pass and am just trying to sit with it. The timing isn't too great as I had intended to start stepping down the AD's this week so I was sure to have enough of them to get through the process!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You have been running around frantically taking care of 2 houses, your move, getting your pups settled in and doing a lot of things that you probably have never done before, ie getting a fence installed.
Now that you are slowing down a bit, I think it's natural for you to begin to feel and process the feelings.
Be gentle with yourself.
It's ok to be where you are.
Just don't fall into the trap of NOT getting out of bed. In my opinion, being productive is the thing that tends to help me feel better.
If I give in and lay in bed, I usually then feel guilty on top of everything else.
You are doing well my friend...and you have my admiration.
I am still on my AD's but my head has felt funny the past two days and I feel physically ill. Just sort of wiped out and I am sure depressed. It is all I can do to force myself out of bed to take care of the shelties and get to work. Right now I soooo bad want to go home and crawl in bed. I have a just don't care about anything feeling right now.
I don't think I am ever going to get well. This seems to have been going on forever.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Life has its ups and downs, and so do our moods. Just accept that you won't always feel on top of the world, but that this feeling will pass, especially if you are physically worn out. You WILL recover.
If you can accept this, you will feel OK, just as when you get a cold, you know you won't have a cold for the rest of your life, it WILL get better!
Now here's something to cheer you up - you may have seen it before as it was doing the rounds of people's inboxes.
Quote: Subject: Maya Angelou
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah (on her show) for Dr. Angelou's 74th birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day... like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first, she said. The audience laughed so hard they cried. Dr. Angelou also said: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Please send this to five phenomenal women today. If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem. If you don't...the elastic will break and your panties will fall down around your ankles.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I feel better this morning. Maybe because I got some things accomplished that I felt were hanging over me. I don't like having the feeling things are hanging out there to be dealt with at some future time.
I went to Home Depot and got stuff to hook up my dryer, I didn't feel up to trying to do it last night but may look at it this morning. I REALLY need to do some laundry!
I don't consider myself well, because sometimes I still have these horrible depressing spells. I did lots of crying the past two days.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I see that you are up and about early again today.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing well under the most trying of circumstances. We always talk about our H's grieving their OW's, well don't forget that grieving a M is hard, trying, taxing, draining work.
I give you permission to cry, but not to crawl under the bed. You have come so far and I am proud of how you are standing on your own two feet.
I read it yesterday when I got home from the hardware store.