Swiped this from Sage as I need to remember some of these things!
Quote: I just finished reading a book called "The Zen of Listening" by Rebecca Shafir. I can't recall how I came to read the book so if someone on the BB recommended it -- a hearty thank you!
The basic premise is that meditation and mindfulness can enhance your listening skills and transform relationships. My "listening" is an area that I've worked on over the last few years but continues to be an "area of growth" as I like to think of it.
Here are some thoughts from the book
1. "If every time we met with someone and gave them our full and complete attention for four minutes come hell or high water, it could change our lives" -- Leonard and Natalie Zunin "The first four minutes"
I'm trying to apply this simple concept -- one thing I've noticed about myself is that when people approach me to chat I often put up a wall or defense -- mostly around "I only have X minutes" -- what I'm realizing is that letting people get their "intention" out really sets a positive stage for the conversation and if I have to defer it, they are more likely to be accepting of that because they already feel "heard"
2. (I found through the book that I am a "sometimes" listener) "Chances are your ability to concentrate may be at fault and/or you are a highly critical individual and quick to judge whether a listening opportunity is worthwhile. However, there have been times when you have experienced the satisfaction of being fully absorbed in what someone has to say. Imagine how successful and effective you could be if you would let yourself experience that sense of total absorption in every listening opportunity: (page 33)
3. "we find it difficult to separate observation of a situation, person or thing from an evaluation....our tendencies to observe and JUDGE at the same time can be called 'life-alienating communication'" (page 50)
4. "Some of us are uncomfortable with the idea of putting aside our egos to really listen and experience another's perspective. it may make us vulnerable to step out of the role we have learned to play...or perhaps we fear losing out objectivity." (page 55)
5. The author recommends approaching conversations as you would watch a movie...forgetting yourself for a while and immersing yourself in the "story". "Applying the movie mindset when listening opportunities arise teaches us to be sensitive to the speaker's needs and feelings." (page 87) "By forgetting about yourself for a few minutes, you glimpse how your speaker feels about his situation." (page 88)
6. "the speaker's views may shock, embarrass, aggravate or hurt you buy you have been truthful with your self in accepting the existence of another's reality. As a mindful listener, you strive to relate to the needs - positive or negative -- of the speaker." (page 88)
7. "..when you encounter a situation in which you need to listen well, ask yourself, 'what's his movie? What's her reality? How does he see things right now?' This gives you a window into that person's world and a chance to give your own agenda a rest....Our powerful self-interests set limits on what we permit ourselves to experience. Why not turn those self interests into an interested self?" (page 89-90)
8. "silence is one of the most powerful response modes, but -- regrettably -- the least practiced. (It is important to note here the distinction between attentive silence and silence born of anger, boredom or lack of interest...This kind of silence can be destructive to any relationship.) If you can remain silent, keeping eye contact with the person who has just spoken, you hold the key to the treasury of information to come." (page 129) -- I cannot reinforce this statement strongly enough! Learning how to slow down and be quiet really, really has allowed me to "hear" other people because I'm finally letting them get a word in edgewise!!!
9. "Negative self-talk, mentioned earlier as a major barrier to listening, is an internal source of anxiety. It creates an inner noise that foils our attempts to listen effectively. We overreact to these thoughts, real or imagined, cause our blood pressure to rise and our normal bodily functions -- breathing, digesting and speaking -- to become dysfunctional. Negative self-talk subverts the mind-body balance needed to think clearly and act effectively, particularly in stressful encounters." (pp 184-5)
I could go on
Turns out the author of the book is local to me so I'm going to look into a workshop.
