Heapmom refers to a concept that PM mentions a lot... namely, the more you can let go of your partner and deal with your own self, the better your R will be. Clinging on to each other "for dear life" is going to seem like smothering eventually. You each can't want for the other without wanting for yourself. You can't change the other person... you can only change yourself.
"I want for me and you want for you" becomes "I want for me and I want for you what you want for yourself." Without each person defining what that "want for yourself" piece is, you can't work on things. Have you each defined what you need?
There's a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. - and in the back of this book are worksheets to fill out. Perhaps one of you could go to the library and check this book out... and use the worksheets as a guide to defining what you need. Then, discuss the results with each other and see if you can understand each others' point-of-view.
