IMO "The Real Issue"

[FocusedFlutist]

TL & RG,

I admire your courage to talk about things here!

I agree with Chris that you do need to deal with this yourselves. I would say you both need to take time alone to figure out what it is you need. TL, you keep saying that you want to do good for RG, but what is it that *you* need?

And RG,this sounds bad, don't take it the wrong way, but do you have a 'life' away from TL? Meaning can you find something to do for just you to take your mind off of this? It sounds like you both need to take care of yourselves, before you can know what you want from the other.

Best of luck to you. You're both very lucky in that you obviously love each other, and care about each other a great deal. And you're both willing to invest time and energy to get to a better place. I hope you find it.

[SuzeeQue]

FYI

I didnt get on this "public forum" to discuss anything with my H. I got on it to see how other people felt who were in the same position as myself. For support because I had noone else to talk to. I am sorry if you feel that I have taken up space for no purpose. I just needed help. No idea it was wrong to do that MY apologies to everyone .didnt mean to intrude

[TheNewChris]

Heapmom refers to a concept that PM mentions a lot... namely, the more you can let go of your partner and deal with your own self, the better your R will be. Clinging on to each other "for dear life" is going to seem like smothering eventually. You each can't want for the other without wanting for yourself. You can't change the other person... you can only change yourself.

"I want for me and you want for you" becomes "I want for me and I want for you what you want for yourself." Without each person defining what that "want for yourself" piece is, you can't work on things. Have you each defined what you need?

There's a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. - and in the back of this book are worksheets to fill out. Perhaps one of you could go to the library and check this book out... and use the worksheets as a guide to defining what you need. Then, discuss the results with each other and see if you can understand each others' point-of-view.


- Chris.

[TheNewChris]

I didnt get on this "public forum" to discuss anything with my H. I got on it to see how other people felt who were in the same position as myself. For support because I had noone else to talk to. I am sorry if you feel that I have taken up space for no purpose. I just needed help. No idea it was wrong to do that MY apologies to everyone .didnt mean to intrude

I do not feel that you are taking up space for no purpose. You have serious concerns, and you're sharing them. You are not intruding... and I was just expressing an opinion.

Don't go anywhere. Keep sharing. We all sound like "know it alls" sometimes. Sometimes, I don't like what I read here in response to my own sitch, but I appreciate someone else taking the time to "wake me up" or call me on my counterproductive ways of thinking.


- Chris.

[SuzeeQue]

Part of my problem is that I have talked and talked and talked. I have explained in great deal what I want and need on numerous occasions. All to be met with "I UNDERSTAND" but.... fill in the blanks with upteen trillion different things. I couldnt BE more into saying what I want and need in this relationship. It just falls on what appear to ME as deaf ears. I honestly dont think he cares if I leave...or thinks that I really will leave.

[cinemanymph]

because I had noone else to talk to.

I daresay this is why most of us are here.

I am sorry if you feel that I have taken up space for no purpose. I just needed help. No idea it was wrong to do that MY apologies to everyone .didnt mean to intrude

Your presence here is as valid as anyone elses. Keep posting and let us know of your progress. Best of luck to both of you.