Ricsgirl, Here is what I have found: Reading a book will not automatically translate into what he needs to do and what you are expecting from him.
You will need to screw your nads on tight and tell him, in no uncertain terms, what you want and what will change if it does not happen.
For instance, my H agreed to sex twice per week and I told him that this was great, I am so happy to hear that, etc, but I also told him that if this did not become a behavior change that I would be moving out of our bedroom.
I understand that you are desperately in love with your H...we all are, believe me. But as long as he knows that you are so devoted to him that you will not make ANY negative move (not even as drastic as cheating) he has no motivation to change. You are just a bunch of hot air to him if you push for sex but then still provide him with a great lifestyle and everything he could ever want. He knows that you will get over your anger and disappointment--it is just a matter of time on those things.
As far as you not changing anything...well, I can say from experience that this just won't work. I spent a lot of time sitting back and waiting for him to do all the changing. You can guess how well that went over! If the situation were reversed and he was making a demand that I change my personality..and then sat back and waited...and WATCHED (even worse!) I would have felt so self conscious that I'm sure I would have been paralyzed. What I should have done was: 1. Make my wants known (ie, sex 2x per week) 2. Let it be known what the consequences will be if it doesn't happen. 3. Get a life of my own and let him see that my happiness does not hinge on what he does.
This last one was particularly hard for me as I am a stay at home mother of little kids so getting a life of my own is next to impossible at this time in my life. BUT what I did do was to cultivate my own sense of self esteem that did not hinge on what he did or did not do. I know I am a sexy lady (well not right at this moment, but hopefully soon!) and project that attitude to all who know me. I do as many things as I can that make me happy and feel successful, even if they are so small that they wouldn't even register on others' maps. I take notice of patterns in my life and follow the ones that seem to make a positive difference in my days.
Hope this helps. Taking the first steps (establishing a communication pattern where you are crystal clear on what you want and what will happen if he doesn't try to accomodate this) are the hardest BY FAR. It gets easier as time goes by because this foundation is already laid.
