Here and Now - Living in the PRESENT!

[Meredith]

I went and started this new thread…then left it dormant and neglected!

There are many reasons, not the least of which a very busy few weeks at work. Hopefully things will begin to calm down next week…but I don’t think the worst is over.

Things are dragging along over in my sitch. Right now, I struggle with what I can accept and what I don’t want to deal with for the rest of my life. A few examples...

My H will always be late. I can set examples, I can offer WOA when he’s early, I can show him what his tardiness does to myself and this family…but the bottom line is, being late is just who he is. Ask his managers, ask his friends. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fun…but it is reality. I need to find peace within myself here, not get tied up in insecurities when the clock shows me its been x number of minutes past his set arrival time.

My H does not want to acknowledge or discuss his infidelity. I have just read Sage’s current posts, and her thoughts and feelings seem right in line with mine. However, my H has never wanted to discuss them. He has never fully admitted to any of it, even with the proof of the existence. That is frustrating to me, because I find that I lack the reassurance on future occurrences when I can’t focus on what happened at the time of the affair. I’m not sure if this is a deal breaker or not.

As I read back on what I’ve just typed here (with more of these examples swimming around in my head), my first gut reaction is that there isn’t much positive going on if that is what comes to mind on my marriage.

I find myself looking to other families for examples on what should be. When I compare their lifestyles to ours, I just feel horrible. So, I put myself into a negative mindset, I give myself too much authority for deciding what should be and what shouldn’t be, I start building up resentments.

I know that my H loves us, even if he’s not the greatest at expressing that in terms that I understand. I feel his love, and I truly do know that he is trying. I’m to the point now that if I don’t have a solid commitment to this reconciliation, that love isn’t enough. I need a love that is unconditional, which is exactly what he’s asking from me.

The truth is that my H is happy with our current lifestyle. He truly feels more comfortable living apart and being married than he does living the life of a "sitcom family" (his words). That really bothers me, and I struggle to understand that this is how he grew up, so this is what he knows. We’re always more comfortable with what we know and what we’ve experienced, right?

That would make my overall, all encompassing goal to make him feel comfortable living a daily life that includes his family. It means making him feel safe enough to share his feelings, safe enough to take his space when he needs solitude, safe enough to open himself to the vulnerability that love brings.

I honestly believe I’ve made positive strides with that. I won’t say that I’ve completely given up emotional outbursts (yes, I’ve eaten fish… ) but they are far less frequently, and far less undeserved.

This month, that of October, I want to focus solely on being the best person that I can be. Hopefully, that will contribute to the overarching goal I’ve mentioned above. If not, then I’ll be a stronger person for the next step in this journey, and for me that means moving on.

Some goals for myself throughout October:

1. Drink water. 1 liter every day.
2. Take a multi-vitamin every day
3. Spend only one of my weekend days on cleaning and housework.
4. Go to bed at 10pm every night.
5. Finish and move into my new bedroom.
6. Complete all Christmas shopping so I can actually enjoy the holiday.


Some goals to be a better parent and/or wife throughout October:

1. Spend one entire day per week doing fun things (cider mill, parks, zoo, etc)
2. Stick with the evening routine during the week.
3. Accept cancellation of plans from H with a smile.
4. Continue to sort out emotions before they come out in the form of anger
5. Focus on the day, rather than the week ahead of it or the year behind it.
6. Be clear in my expectations, i.e. ask for what I want.