Here and Now - Living in the PRESENT!

[Lyrael]

That is where a lot of my resentments lie also. I haven’t felt important, respected, loved, etc by my H’s past actions…and that causes my defenses to soar when I think I’m being put back into that position.

I think we both sometimes forget something very important. WE are the only ones who can make us feel loved, respected, and important. Because even if our H's are wonderful and make us feel cherished 75% of the time, that 25% might be the thing that makes us feel unimportant, unloved, and just generally like crap.

The thing I am doing differently now is examining my resentment, and my feeling unimportant, and being afraid, and asking myself "are YOU loving you?" Am I cherishing myself in the way that I need to be cherished, that only I can do because I am the only one that's inside this heart and head and body? (wow, lots of "ands") A lot of times, that fear of being unloved is because I don't feel very secure in myself at that point. So I react from a very hurt, very childlike, and very angry place. When I feel centered and good about myself, I am much more likely to a) let whatever the annoying incident is slide because it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or b)let whoever it is that's stepping on me know in an assertive way "this is what I need from you. can you do that?"

It's not so much about what my H "should" do - it's about what I need him to do. But I hate saying that I need things, especially "I need help." I don't like feeling that vulnerable and naked. I would rather be the pissed-off all-powerful wife who has been disappointed by the shlock husband yet again. It's easier than admitting that I love my H and that sometimes I can't do it alone.

And also, I am really thinking a lot about good ways to put my hurt regarding my H's past actions to rest. You used to talk about needing a renewal of vows from your H before he moved back...my H and I have talked some about getting married again, because I felt like I could never fully let go of the past until we made a new commitment. I still want to renew our vows at some point, but now I am thinking of things I can do for myself that will help me put the past away.

I'm reading this kind of hokey book about women's spirituality, and it has a chapter in it about marking important occasions in a women's life with rituals. This might sound kind of silly, but I feel like I need to DO something to commemorate and symbolize leaving the past behind. Let me try and give an example, so I don't sound completely off my rocker. When I miscarried, it was really important to me to grieve for the baby like it was a baby - I felt it was my child, even though the little one didn't have a chance to grow and be born. H and I buried a little box near the family plot, and scattered flowers over that spot and the family graves there. It was important to me to do this outward thing to mark the grief I felt about losing this child and all the dreams and hopes that went along with it. It helped. Now I am thinking about doing something like that to help me put the past year away. Does that sound really stupid?

I think I just rambled on and on nonsensically. Oh, well.
Hugs to ya,
Myrrh

P.S. I honestly am not even upset by the incident I posted about - amazing how quickly I let things like that go. I just thought it was a good example of feeling unimportant. Come to think of it, I haven't really felt like that since then.