Here and Now - Living in the PRESENT!

[Meredith]

Thanks Bets! Right on the money per usual…because this actually played out for the positive. I wish had read what you’d written before I left, though…because I think the paragraph about spending time was perfect.

When I left work (shortly after the not so great phone call) I drove to the hospital to visit H’s grandmother, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. On the drive over, I thought a lot about this, and realized that being put on the spot was a problem for me. I’m working through these resentments, but when they surface I’d like more time to process them and my current feelings before responding. But, I wasn’t sure how to relay that to H.

I got to the hospital, and my in-laws were already there. I visited with them and grandma for about a half hour, and then H showed up. His grandma wanted rest, so H and I went to dinner with the in-laws and had a pretty nice dinner.

During the course of the dinner, H announced that his mother was buying his sister a house, and then SIL would pay MIL rent. H’s parents are divorced, so the woman we were dining with was his step-mother, not his actual mother. I could tell that H was hurt by this act of what he perceived to be inequality, but I found myself not very empathetic. For some reason, what I was focusing on was that we HAD a home, and whenever H was read to make a commitment, he too could leave his mother’s house. I kept my sentiments to myself and validated to the best of my ability.

H ended up coming home with me rather than going out for drinks. He was not in a good mood, but instead of personalizing it (thinking he was crabby because he was home with me, rather than out with his cousin) I gave him his space and figured it was a combination of the many changes happening with his life. SIL and the house, grandma and her cancer, his dad being in town (he lives out of state), etc.

We went to bed together, and rather than bring up the topic then (he HATES discussions right before sleep) I brought it up this morning – before we got up. I explained that I was trying to work through these resentments in order to leave them in the past, but that the process is relatively new. I also explained that the minute I realized he was calling to back out of the plans and change our arrangement, I felt a flood of those resentments. I said that I needed time to process them before giving a response that truly reflected how I felt. So, we decided that he would send a text message when he wanted something to change, and I could respond when I was ready. I thanked him for coming the night before, and told him that I appreciated it. Hurdle, jumped.

Then, since I can’t stop there, I moved on to the house issue. I told him that I was sorry his mother’s action with his sister had hurt him so much. I tried to lighten it by joking that our house had more bedrooms than his sister’s anyhow. I also expressed my frustration at him being jealous over his sister’s house. He explained that it was the inequality that hurt him…not the physical house. I saw it from a different perspective, as MIL was making a real estate investment and SIL was helping out by maintaining the property and paying rent. I thought that he was angry because she had been asked to live at the house and not him – causing me to feel that he was looking for alternative living situation that did not include marriage. I’m still not real clear on this one, but I do feel better since we talked it through rather than me harboring anger and him harboring hurt.

So, there you go. We’re moving through this muck…

Now, if I could only work through the fear of loving him more than he loves me…

Slowly, thank you for your kind words! I’m glad to know that this is helping someone other than myself! I’ll head over to your thread and see what unilateral decisions your referring to.