Here and Now - Living in the PRESENT!

[Meredith]

Ugh, I wasn’t supposed to need this outlet so soon.

Okay, scenario.

H and I had plans together tonight, for a couple reasons. One, because our Thursday child-swap schedule was unreliable and nonconductive to my job – tenfold in the middle of a big project - and two, because we hadn’t been spending any time together this week. This arrangement was decided last night. Baby-sitter arrangements were made this morning.

He calls this afternoon (never a good sign) and asks if I mind if he comes over, only late…as in 11:30pm.

This is a recipe for disaster, because a 180 would be to give him the full go-ahead to have a good time with his cousin. However, I dislike immensely being put into this position. If I say that I do mind, then I’m the bad guy and there’s a good chance he’ll ignore what I feel anyway. If I say that I don’t mind, I’m lying through my teeth – I mind because I feel second rate and also because I have to work in the morning and don’t really feel it is respectful for him to come over that late.

So, not having any time to think this through (definitely need plan for that), I went with honesty. I first asked him what he was specifically asking (permission, what?) and when he said he was asking how I felt…I told him that I did not like being put in this position because it leaves me either feeling like the bad guy or feeling that what I think does not matter (as in, he asks me if I mind and then does it anyway…why bother to ask?).

I also said that what bothered me the most was the time frame…I go to bed at 10pm for work the next day. I don’t want to either wait up until 11:30pm or be awoken at 11:30pm since I had to be up by 5am. I also tacked on that if he lived there, things would indeed be different…but he doesn’t. And as it stands, for as long as he chooses to live elsewhere, he is a guest in the home. Thus, it is rude to show up at that hour.

That wound up as boundary setting or bitchiness. I’m sure he saw more of the bitchiness.

So, now the thought-process part. Resentments? Some. In the past, he’d ask whether I minded or not and then would proceed to ignore whatever I said. I probably carried some of that with me when I heard the question asked again this afternoon.

Feelings? Well my primary LL is quality time, and when he offers that and then yanks it back, it is a double negative. My other LL, one not in the book, is respect. And while I can certainly agree that it is respectful to ask whether I mind having my evening rearranged…I find it very disrespectful that he’d feel free enough to show up when everyone who does live in the house is sound asleep.

How did we leave it? I told him to do what he wanted in regards to having drinks with his cousin, but that so long as he was a guest in the home he’d respect the schedules of its occupants.

Now, I feel like crap.