Here and Now - Living in the PRESENT!

[Meredith]

I can’t believe that I am starting another thread! But, here I am. I’m not going to fill this with day-to-day journaling, but instead I’d like to keep a journal based on feelings as they arise. I’d like to base this on an open door policy and let people share feelings and outcomes of those feelings as they feel fit.

I am also not going to link my previous threads, in light of the theme of this one.

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling with feelings of discontent, anger and a lot of resentment. These feelings seemed to creep up out of nowhere, but after some deep thought and analysis I realized that these feelings all center on different resentments and stem back to events that have left me feeling unimportant and disrespected. Perhaps not so coincidentally, the majority of these events have occurred in past Septembers.

They stem, specifically, from two events that have both lowered my feelings of love and respect for my husband. There is no denying that the way he chose to act through these two events was atrocious. However, we’re talking two and four years ago that these situations occurred. It’s time for me to process the feelings and then let them back to the past where they belong.

I will bold this next statement, but I’d highlight and put flashing lights around it if I could. PamelaC sent this to me in an email this morning, and kicked my butt into gear to move past this resentment fog.

It is not fair to resent him for something that I accepted.

Resentments from the past so easily cloud our vision of what is in the present. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where affairs happen.

I have the benefit of almost a year of hard work and self-evaluation to show me that the opportunity for “love” with someone else is only a large complication to an already messy situation. I am fortunate to be strong enough to recognize it as that complication and also dismiss it as such. Had I not had that benefit, I’d be up to my ears in at least an EA…since the opportunity presented itself in the form of a great guy.

It will probably cause some controversy, my teetering on the edge of becoming the cheating spouse. But I think it is important to highlight how it would be wreaking havoc with my thoughts, emotions, and perception of reality.

Okay, so that is how the past is clouding my present…but let’s talk about the future.

Right now, my divorce has a very good chance of being busted. We’ve been separated for 17 months now, but things have never looked so positive. That, my friends, is scary. It ups the pressure tenfold, because now it is make it or break it time. After 17 months, I’m on the brink of readiness to move forward past this phase of my life. At the same time, in my heart of hearts I want this to work. The scary part comes in when I think of the possibility of this not working out, and it causes me to pull back and not make myself completely open or vulnerable. It becomes a catch 22.

One of the indications that this is taking a positive turn is my H’s reaction to my withdrawal. In the past, if he has noticed any withdrawal he hasn’t indicated that. This time he was very proactive in going after me. The game of pursuit became his.

But, I’m determined not to play games here. Rather than take that feeling of power and run with it, I’m setting the goal of taking things one feeling and situation at a time. The big part of this is going to be learning to understand my feelings and emotions and processing them on my own when necessary.

It took all 17 months to loose the blinding fear that he’d leave in the end. It took all 17 of them to stop worrying about being made a fool of (while, of course, he sips wine and eats bonbons with other women while they discuss the stupidity of his wife). Basically, it took me all of these 17 months to get it.

So, I’ve got it. And now I have to find something to do with it. Hence, my new thread. By plotting out these feelings and emotions, I hope to be able to process them with the help of my good friends. Maybe this process will help others in return.

This shark, however reformed, is jumping back into the ocean.