Something you said made me thing of my LDH. You mentioned that "he couldn't agree to ANY assumptions at ALL, implying that he had made that mistake in the PAST and didn't plan on doing it again."
My LDH had a few horrible relationships that have really affected his behavior sexually...in my mind it's been a verbal/mental castration. Anyway...not long after we married his behavior towards me began to change and he really started pushing me away...he spent less and less time around me (although we were both home)...he would even respond to some of my comments in a hostile manner, when what I said didn't warrant that type of a response. He would often bring up how he'd been treated in the past by two of his ex's (girlfriend & a wife)...if finally dawned on me one day that he was treating me as though he expected me to behave as they did...so I was getting the responses that they would have elicited from him (does that make sense?)...it was a preemptive defense. Is it possible that your BF could be doing that to you?
I tried to explain to my LDH that he was doing this to me...although in his preemptive defense he just bristled up more at that...no matter how gentle, kind, encouraging I was...no matter what approach I took he thought I was nagging/attacking him. For us it took a 3rd party for him to finally realize what he was doing...and the pain I saw in his eyes made me cry...he had absolutely no idea that he had been treating me EXACTLY has they had treated him.
Speaking of 3rd parties, I decided today to call up my old counselor and see if she had any recommendations of people to send my W to, and ways I could try to convince her to go. If you recall, my W said she was "on the edge" emotionally, but didn't have the time to seek counseling. I guess I feel like this was about as close to a cry for help I'm going to hear from her. I'm sure she'll get all pissy with me about this, but I look at it as tough love. She needs help, I can't give it to her, but maybe a trained counselor can guide her.
Quote: was treating me as though he expected me to behave as they did...so I was getting the responses that they would have elicited from him (does that make sense?)...it was a preemptive defense. Is it possible that your BF could be doing that to you?
Yes, this is exactly what he does in many cases. His wife was a WAW and he is still bitterly angry at her. He resists seeing that people don't just walk away for no reason. I gather that his ex also complained about low frequency of sex. She is a pretty high-maintenance, demanding person-- I've seen her in action. But he is VERY loyal and would have stayed in the marriage forever. (They were together for 25 years.) I don't think he thinks people CAN be happy. He doesn't ask much of life IMHO. When I told him our sex life could be a thousand times better (meaning we could have a thousand times more FUN), he heard me as saying he would have to PERFORM a thousand times better and said, "I can't do any more! I can't deliver a 'thousand times better' sex!" I realized then that I had really put my foot in my mouth and that he saw sexual interaction not as two kids playing in a sand box, but as two gladiators entering the arena... "come back with your shield or on it."
I know I sound like I'm always preaching for a counselor...but I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I could never have gotten through to my husband...he was so wrapped up in trying not to repeat the his past mistakes that he didn't see he was making an all new HUGE one. Through that experience I've definitely learned that our counselor was able to sort of sneak in under his radar...it was a complete surprise to him when what he was doing actually came out of his own mouth, in his own words...then the lightbulb came on.
All you can do is try...who knows, it may work :-) It does sound like a cry for help to me too Hair Pup :-) She may not be as resistent as you think (I hope).
Hairdog, Why not make the offer to go with her for a few sessions? You can tell her that you want to make sure you are doing all you can to ease her transition to a new city and to make sure that she knows you take this seriously. Btw, if you are NOT taking this seriously, then you should commence doing so. She did make a huge sacrifice for you. This does not make you indebted to her (that is something she needs to get over) but it does mean that she may need to see that you understand. I know you will write back and say that you understand but, hey, SHE doesn't feel that you do.
She may or may not be blowing things out of proportion but those are her feelings, you know? She thinks that you are blowing the sex thing out of proportion, too.
So what about a show of solidarity and offering to accompany her to the C in order to see how you can better support her? I know right now you don't want to do sh!t for her, but it may help things...
Just out of curiosity, has she ever presented you with some concrete ways in which you can support her through her transition? What was your response to that?
Honey, feeling uncharacteristically sympathetic to MrsHD today...
Quote: Just out of curiosity, has she ever presented you with some concrete ways in which you can support her through her transition? What was your response to that?
When she moved here, I took care of anything she asked me to. Once, I stepped over the line and sent her links to several companies who handle credit card transactions (something she did not ask for) and she got upset with me. Over the past year I have done many things: I drop off DD3 at school when W has a morning appointment; I did the mid-day transfer from school to babysitter about 1/3 of the time; I almost always picked up DD3 from babysitter and spent from 3:45 to 7pm taking care of her until W got home; during that time I would cook, dust, etc., to make it easy for W to come home and not see a bunch of stuff she had to take care of so she could just get in her "comfy clothes" and play with DD3, then collapse in front of tv at bedtime.
Now, when I ask her what I can do, she is pretty vague: listen to her, offer help when she asks, offer "support" when she doesn't ask for it. It's a moving target to me.
I just talked to my old counselor and got a name of one for her. Now, I have to see if she will go. This is one horse that you often can't even lead to water, much less make it drink.
I am really trying to be compassionate toward her.
Arrange for a baby sitter for Saturday. Arm yourself with a load of real estate listings for country properties within 20 minutes of your location. Load you and your wife up bright and early Saturday morning and take off to have a look at some of the properties.
You don't have to commit to anything other than looking. Don't rush your wife, and take a genuine interest in what she observes or points out to you. Do your best to remember what she says for later.
What do you think? Are you willing to give it a try?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP: Thanks, but I think we've already looked at every single available property within 20 miles over the last 4 months. What I did just do was send my wife the following email:
Quote: Dear MsHD: When you told me this morning that you were “on the edge” emotionally, I realized just how unhappy you are. I am worried about you and want to help you, but I am at a loss as to what I can do. You are so downhearted and I want you to be, at the very least, content. Short of turning back the clock to before you moved to Kansas City, I feel that there is one thing I can realistically do for you.
What I can do is provide you with two phone numbers. The first is the number of my Employee Assistance Program. As my wife, you are covered for up to 6 visits at no cost. The number is 800-xxx-xxxx.
The second number is for Maribeth XXXX, a psychologist in Liberty. I called my old therapist and asked her for a recommendation and she said Ms. XXXX is very good and uses cognitive therapy, whatever that is. Her number is 816-792-XXXX.
I would be pleased to go with you if you want me to. Your emotional well-being is critical and worth making time for.
Love, always, Hairdog
Let's see how this flies before I make any weekend plans.
BTW, just had my first workout and I feel pretty good!
Quote: listen to her, offer help when she asks, offer "support" when she doesn't ask for it. It's a moving target to me.
I think your W and mine "went to the same school" in preparation for these M issues. I used to ask, "is there anything wrong?" and "is there anything that you want to talk about?" - got the usual "no, not really" answers. Now, I don't ask... I just start talking about my own point of view. If I wait for my W to bring something up, we can go days without talking.
Quote: I just talked to my old counselor and got a name of one for her. Now, I have to see if she will go. This is one horse that you often can't even lead to water, much less make it drink.
You what?!? It sounds like you "stepped over the line" again by getting the counselor name for her. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
I hope that you can talk with your W about how silly "I don't have time" sounds... honestly, that's a horrible answer when it comes to taking care of her health. I had a talk with my W last week. I told her that her "I don't have time for that" line sounded like an excuse after she has "made time" for other things of less importance (like crochet projects and fund raisers and 2 hour shopping/lunch trips to a wholesale club or the mall). I told her that I worry about her when she makes time for those things but DOESN'T even consider making time to talk to a counselor about her anxiety and "issues." W more or less agreed that I was right.
I am glad for the workout, and I hope you feel a bit stronger. It might help deflect the blows from the frying pan she is about to use on you.
Run Forrest, run!
I will address my reasons for the country trip in a few minutes.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
