You know what I see from that conversation with your wife? Not specific points, per se, but the fact that neither one of you felt 'heard' by the other. She's making her point, you're making your point, and nothing is getting resolved.
I personally feel that your wife believes that the crap she threw out at you is legitimate. She does not realize she is spewing crap. She feels what she feels, honestly and deeply. (So do you, I know... I'm not minimizing you, just thinking this through, starting with her).
You moving to the basement is only going to underscore her mistrust of you. She will again be a victim... you will be 'abandoning' her, and hell will freeze over before she asks you to move back into your bedroom. It will become yet another giant 'power play' between you.
Keep in mind, HD, that the objective here is to NOT make a point or a statement, but to resolve the issue. I'm not saying you shouldn't move to the basement, but I think you should wait a bit. She is still seeing the marriage as a yours, mine and ours thing. Think this through.
Honey has an excellent point in that though your wife has gone through a lot, it does not give her the right to put the marriage on 'hold' until she feels better. She is never going to feel better. There will always be something... and that is because she is more interested in being heard than fixing the problem.
Are you willing to find a Schnarch type counselor in your area, HD? Can you do it now, today? Because this is what I am thinking you should do. Send your wife an email that says this:
Mrs. HD:
I need you to know, really know, that I understand everything you said to me this morning. I hear you.
I also need you to know that I believe our marriage is facing some very serious issues which you and I are having a very difficult time resolving on our own.
I want to be a kind of H who hears you and can reassure you in the ways that are most meaningful to you. But given that I feel my wants and needs are not being addressed in ways that are meaningful to me, I am having a very hard time being the type of H you need.
In view of this, I need to find a marriage counselor who can help us resolve our issues. I would very much appreciate it if you'd go with me, but if you don't feel you can, then I am going alone. There is nothing more important to me than you and our family. I think we have some serious issues. If we don't get them fixed, it won't matter what house we live in or what house we buy. You and I are the glue that holds it all together. If there is no us, there is nothing.
Please consider it.
Mr. HD
And then I'd get your butt to a counselor, HD. I promise you, this will make a more meaningful statement to your wife than moving to the basement.
