Last night, W got home around 7:30, was all chatty and friendly and even gave me a hug, which I returned half-heartedly. We didn't talk too much.
This morning she wanted to talk, and I told her that I was seriously considering moving to the basement (finished basement with full bath, futon/couch, and places that I could hang up my clothes. W: Well, that kind of negates anything I was going to say. H: Go ahead and say it.
She started talking about all the sacrifices she had made in order to move here, leaving a job she loved, a house she loved, etc, and the upheaval it presented. She noted that when I tell her that I didn't ask her to move her, she says it makes her feel awful. She told me she needed me to be more supportive, less demanding, tell her "thank you" for being here, "thank you" for doing things she does for the family, "good job" on what she does at work, etc. Words of affirmation? Yes...her Love Languages seem to be vacillating between quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service.
I think I do a pretty good job with all three of these LLs, but she really focuses on what I don't give her. She told me that, until she really settles into this town and feels comfortable with her job, her professional contacts, my kids, etc., she doesn't want me demanding ANYTHING from her.
I told her that I don't DEMAND anything, just that I state my needs. I told her that she is minimizing my needs, and telling me that her needs are more important. She basically stated that her needs ARE more important, and until she feels comfortable here, I should lay off. She's been here a year, and that is not enough. She has no idea when she'll reach that point.
I told her that she should be glad, then, that I want to move downstairs, as this will be one less place where I might be liable to express my needs to her. I said this in a straightforward manner, not sarcastic at all. She got all pissy and said "do what you need to do."
H: I will do what I need to do. I don't feel welcome in "your" bed anymore. Or in "your" room. W: This is my place to come when I need to get away. This is my safe place. H: That just makes it more likely that you will kick me out when the moment suits you. Or call 911. W: I didn't really call 911 . . . H: You wanted me to believe you did. No different than robbing a bank with an unloaded gun. It's still armed robbery. W: I wanted you out! H: So, the ends justify the means, I guess? And telling me that you were going to tell the police I had abused you, that's just despicable. That's the last thing my Ex-W said before I walked out of the house, so that I wouldn't take my daughter with me. W: I didn't know that the abuse thing was a "trigger" for you. H: So you're minimizing my reaction again. And, by the way, the abuse allegation is a "trigger" for any man, not just me. W: I'm sorry. H: Just because you said you're sorry doesn't mean I am ready to forgive you for that.
Again, no doubt to deflect any blame I was casting on her, she focused on her needs, and that she doesn't need to hear about my needs right now.
H: Well, I NEED to go to work. I think it's likely I'll move downstairs.
And I left.
By the way, I think it was NOPkins who said that there are different levels of separation: moving out of the bedroom, out of the house, divorcing, etc. I have you to thank for opening my eyes to some of my options. Someone else said yesterday that they won't go where they aren't invited, which made me think about how I don't feel invited to our bed anymore.
Our sex life tanked years ago. The move to KC and the "upheaval" it caused is just the latest excuse, interspersed with the "too hot" "too itchy" etc. excuses which she uses for the sake of variety. I think that I will move to the basement and will refuse to move back to the bedroom until things improve. Hey, the basement is the coolest place in the summer, and it has a nice gas fireplace for the winter. It has a TV with DVD and surround sound, a kickazz stereo, and yes, even easy access to the screened porch and the hot tub. It's not that big of a sacrifice.
