Give me some credit. I said basically the same thing as Corri. LOL
Quote: She also told me to get out of HER bed, HER house, and threatened to move to her Mom's house (in another state) so that I couldn't file for divorce (which, frankly, I didn't understand...her best bet would be to file today, and get an order of protection, forbidding me to live in the house). She also picked up the phone, said she was going to dial 911 and tell the police that I was ABUSING her!
Why do you think that she feels like it is HER house and BED? Do you think just the fact that you didn't leave the bed when she asked you to was "abuse" in her mind?
I think this behavior kind of goes along with a thought that I've been having about your W which is that since this is her first marriage and she entered it rather late in life, a lot of her problems might have more to do with dealing with the demands of marriage in general, rather than any specific demands you are putting on her. Some of her behavior seems to be like that of an only child who is suddenly confronted with having to share her bedroom with a newly adopted sibling. You are invading her space with your messy life and on top of that you have the nerve to demand that she should humor you by playing some "games" that you enjoy.
I don't really have any good advice except to say that obviously you need to maintain your stand on the issues that arose. IMO it would be impossible for you to have any sort of self-respect if you back down.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo - I give you credit! You are the assistant director and the Chief Analogizer. If I am the tree, you are like the soil that holds....wait. If I am the fountain, you are the water that runs....wait. Doh!
Your W seems very unhappy with herself, as if she is disappointed with "how her life turned out." Is she in personal therapy? If not, can you suggest it to her?
Chris: I have suggested counseling to her before. She is convinced that she is not the problem. She went to a psychiatrist years ago (before I met her), and feels that she solved all of her problems back then, and doesn't need to go anymore. I agree that she would benefit from it, but I don't think me suggesting it to her again would have any effect on her.
Hairdog...dude, you are a patient man. I'm known for my patience but this takes the cake.
Wow that was an "strange" convo. Maybe next time you should have the camera ready yourself, I'm curious what she'd think seeing herself acting this way.
A couple of quotes that might apply, you decide how.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." -- Albert Einstein
Quote: I agree that she would benefit from it, but I don't think me suggesting it to her again would have any effect on her.
Oh, I disagree, Hairdog. Why, she might take out an ad in the paper, calling you a "stalker," she may fingerprint you for later evidence, she may . . .
Sorry, just trying to make you laugh this morning. Cuz suggesting THERAPY at this point, I think, would DEFINITELY have an "effect" on her!
I hope you understand that I feel absolutely no smugness whatsoever in being 'right.' It's just... I've fought this fight your wife is hurtling at you... it's more along the lines of "it takes one to know one."
This is going to be a tough day for me to talk at you... but let me ask you: is your name on the house deed and the mortgage? If so, do not leave the house. Doing so will put you in the position of appearing guilty (advice from my own attorney at one point in my life). Let her call 911 on you if she choses to do so. In any instance, remain calm.
My advice to you right now is to lay low and let her calm down. I wouldn't send any emails, I wouldn't even bring up the topic again, not yet, unless she does. If your wife ever threatens you again by saying she should go live with her mother, or at some other location, look her in the eye and tell her she should do what she feels is best. Do not beg.
Hairdog, I know I keep sending you into this corner, but if you want help, you are going to have to decide what the non-negotiables are in your life. I swear to you, by not taking the time to figure this out, you are creating for yourself immense misery. The only way this is going to end for you is to either draw a boundary with your wife, or leave.
If you leave, you lose. If you draw a boundary, your wife has no choice but to either change or leave you, neither of which you can control. By drawing the boundary, the crucible is in her court, where it needs to be. By NOT drawing a boundary, she keeps you hostage.
When you draw a boundary, she goes ballistic on you. You retreat, the boundary is erased, she wins.
I wouldn't discuss one thing with her of any sort of merit until you figure this out. Take all the time you need. If you ever get it figured out, let me know.
Chin up, guy. I ALWAYS back the Underdog. And you're one of my favs.
Hi HD, You did a great job of staying calm in the face of her craziness.
I agree that no wording of the email would have produced a different response.
Stay on track with your healthy message of wanting an intimate marriage. I am hoping that she will reflect on her nutty behavior and begin to see things from a less selfish standpoint. Sometimes things have to hit rockbottom before they turn around.
I hateto be negative and this isnt me saying time to give up (that would be your call, and yours only) but some of the things happening do have legal ramifications, and If you do get divorced can be used for you or against you.
Most divorce lawyers will imediately tell you to, well get divorced. I suggest that you do talk to a lawyer there are things that you can do now JUST IN CASE it doesn't work out that can help you later.
We never buy insurance hoping to use it but it is god to have in place.
sorry to bring a new aspect of this into the discussion.
Thanks, Corri. I know I'm not going to leave the house, although I was toying with the idea of living with my mom this morning. I am so tired this morning. It reminds me so much of the waning days of marriage #1. I remember one night in particular during which I came to the realization that, "hey, this person does not love you anymore. In fact, they hate you." I was actually wrong at the time, but I remember how let down I felt, realizing that this person I had thought I was going to spend my life with, was locking me out of the bedroom and refusing to talk with me.
And you're one of my favs.