Tired of HOM, I want to BU (Blow Up)

[cinemanymph]

Mrs. HD is lucky to have an articulate, funny H. Mantra: she's the lucky one, she's the lucky one, she's the lucky one....

[sat567]

Wow. Here's her reply (I had asked her to lunch at the end of it):

I’m going to a luncheon with Judge XXXX sponsored by the XXXXX.
I don’t know what time it was when I went to bed - I was playing hearts :-)
I’m sorry I woke you up. You’re right that we need to work on re-establishing an emotional closeness. I don’t think I’m pushing you away.
We both have a lot going on, and the time we have to spend alone together is so little. Let’s talk more about that this weekend, if not sooner.


WOW. She didn't say I was bringing up more crap for her to deal with. This is a giant step for her.

Hairdog - trying SO HARD not to get too hopeful.

[MJontheMend]

Good for you! I'm just curious- what do you think her response will be?

[cinemanymph]

One giant step for Mrs. HD, one giant leap for Fuzzy's marriage....

[annette]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo

Great news Hairy

Annette

[honeypot]

Oh Hairy,
I'm so thrilled for you.

I think that she needs a strong man. Plain and simple.

There is nothing anti-feminism in that statement, although I'm sure she would argue with me vociferously.

But she is a strong person who needs an equally strong partner to balance her. When you stand your ground, she respects that and responds in kind.


I think you have a golden opportunity here!

All the best you, friend.

[Corri]

HD:

I’m going to a luncheon with Judge XXXX sponsored by the XXXXX.
I don’t know what time it was when I went to bed - I was playing hearts :-)
I’m sorry I woke you up. You’re right that we need to work on re-establishing an emotional closeness. I don’t think I’m pushing you away.
We both have a lot going on, and the time we have to spend alone together is so little. Let’s talk more about that this weekend, if not sooner.

Oh, Hairpup, wish you woulda left that celibacy line in... I'm thinking what you sent her looked something like this?

Now, I really want to continue the conversation! Yes, I am going bonkers, but it's not because I'm thinking about sex...I am feeling emotionally isolated from you because I love you, and you keep pushing me away. I don't want a girlfriend, or an affair.

Can anyone else see how, based upon what Mrs. Hairdog said above, that this has now become Hairdog's problem... and rather than being the one to confront her own inabilities, she can neatly turn it back onto our friend Dog?

The second he brings up sex, she can say, "I thought you said this wasn't about sex? I thought we were talking about how emotionally disconnected you are feeling?"

Don't mean to take the wind out of your sails, bud, 'cuz I think it was great you sent the email... but I think taking out the word 'celibate' has changed the entire tone of the email, and we definitely need to strategize here, or she is going to WHOMP on your butt.

If no one else sees this, I beg humble forgiveness. I don't want to rain on your parade, HD, but my broomstick is in the shop, and I can't fly myself down to your part of the country and WHOMP her butt for you...

IMHO,

Corri

[honeypot]

Strategizing is good.

Hairy, how about thinking now about what you need from her, how you will present it to her, and what the consequences will be for her if she opts out?

Cause Corri is right. She is going to turn this into a convo about emotional closeness and be insulted that you are bidding for sex when you "have so little time together" and THAT is the activity you want to do?!?
I would make it crystal clear that this IS about sex. Since she brought it up, it should be a given that the goal of the conversation is to improve your sex lives. You don't want a girlfriend and you don't want celibacy. What other option does that leave?
Yep, that's right.
A sex life with your wife.

Once you have figured out how you will detail to her what you would like (sex twice per week, more affection and less criticism, say) then will be the time to HOY, as the sh!t will hit the fan, no doubt.

I would also encourage her to develop her own list of needs and how she would specifically like you to meet them.

How exciting to finally be getting somewhere after all this time of silent marital warfare!

hpot

[sat567]

I didn't have the "girlfriend" part in there, either, Corri. I just ended with "Yes, I am going bonkers, but it's not because I'm thinking about sex...I am feeling emotionally isolated from you because I love you, and you keep pushing me away."

I can see how she could read that as not being about sex, but she knows me better. I have told her in no uncertain terms that it is the lack of sex which makes me feel emotionally isolated.

If she is "surprised" that it's ALSO about sex, then I'll do my best to set her straight.

If you want to strategize about how I should talk with her about this, I'd be happy to, but I think the "how's your girlfriend" comment leaves me a pretty big opening.

Hairdog - wondering if the broom comment was just about whomping, or if it was a confession of Corri's witchy nature.

[MJontheMend]

You're not crazy. I had the same thought myself because I made the same mistake myself. I kept using pseudonyms for sex like saying "I want a more passionate marriage." instead of saying "I want to have sex more than once or twice a month.". It is really tough to come out and say it all at once, but it would save HD the trouble of having to have 3 or 4 "crucible" convos like I wound up having.

Whether or not HD's wife will be able to put it right back on him depends on who she thinks is responsible for the lack of emotiona closeness. In my sich, my H had to cop to being responsible for that too (at least in the conventionally recognized "being a jerk" sense. I was responsible too, but in the more societally acceptable "being a wimp" sense.) so he started working on that right away. If Mrs. HD feels like HD is the one withholding emotional connection then she won't see that she has any work to do.