I think that HOM is causing me HBP. (That's high blood pressure, for you folks younger than 40).
Last weekend my W bought some Concord grapes at an organic farmers market. They smelled heavenly, but were awful to eat because of their texture and seediness. I knew that they would not get eaten as snacks, and would go to waste, so I offered to make grape jelly, which I had never tried before. I really like to cook, so this was not a big surprise to my W.
I followed all the directions up until the final cooking, in which it was strongly recommended that I use a jelly thermometer to make sure I boiled the fruit juice and sugar to the proper temperature. I don't have such a thermometer so I followed the next recommendation, which was to observe how the juice/jelly dripped off a spoon while you were cooking it. I was pretty sure I had the right temperature, poured the mixture into jelly jars, and, as you might guess, ended up with great tasting grape syrup.
I mentioned this to my W last night, noting that I planned to re-cook it later. She said, "yet another example of you doing something half-assed and endind up with bad results, or having to do it over. I don't know why you didn't just go out and buy a jelly thermometer in the first place."
I give her the DITH look (deer in the headlights). She continues, "oh, you know what I'm talking about." She proceeds to go through some examples, mostly of tasks I did upon her request, and did not meet her level of perfection.
I am HOM...telling myself to calm down, I have dealt with enough stress today dealing with ex wife who seems to be losing the battle with alcoholism. HOM, HOM...it's almost a mantra.
My W notes my silence. I am thinking of what to say. Do I mention that I wasn't the one who bought the inedible grapes? That I knew they would go to waste unless someone did something with them? That it was unlikely she would have enough free time during the final week of their pre-rot window to do anything with them? That I had depended on the secondary method in the cookbook, and it hadn't worked? That I was tired of her criticizing me? That I wanted to pour the grape syrup on her head?
She finally saw that I had a mixture of anger, resentment, and hurt in my eyes and, in a grand gesture of concession, allowed as how I have been doing better lately on not cutting so many corners.
As I mentioned, I was pretty stressed already with my ex-wife's behavior, so I decided I didn't want to get into it with her over the criticism issue.
How is this tied into SSM? How was I HOM? I was just telling myself, "she is criticizing me to provide yet another reason not to be touched tonight, just in case the usual reasons don't cut it."
Folks, I am tired of HOM. I want to kick some ass. I want to tell my W to cut the crap. I want to let her know, in no unclear terms, that this has to stop. That I will not be her whipping boy, her doormat, or her scapegoat. And I don't want to do it quietly. I don't want to do it calmly. I want to explode. Why? One: I think my mental health depends on it...I need some catharsis. Two: I think it may be the only way I can get her to understand.
As you know, she can be a ball-busting feminist. Her view of men is generally that they are tyrants who are into treating women like objects, keeping women "in line." Men are aggressive, crude, violent members of some sort of secret society who come up with ways to demean women, objectify them, and keep them from getting any closer to the board room than the secretarial pool. This is somewhat of an exaggeration, but she can sometimes get this outrageous. Men are baaaaad.
Except Hairdog. He is hard to get riled up into an argument. He backs down A LOT. He may "pressure" Ms. H to have sex, but he's easy to deter: all Ms. H has to do is to push a hand away and he's done. Or, if his approach is by word rather than action, all Ms. H has to do is say "no, and until you're okay with me saying no, it won't become a 'yes.'" Hairdog is a good father, a dependable breadwinner, a good cook, a pretty decent handy-man. But sometimes Ms. H needs to remind him of all the shortcomings she sees in him. Why does she do this? As noted above, it's one sure-fire way to stir up a reason not to ML. It's a way to get him off his butt to do things that need to be done. It a way to put him in his place.
Asking her to stop criticizing me has not helped. She just can't seem to stop.
And dang it, folks, it wouldn't be so bad if we had a decent sex-life. I think I'd let a lot of the criticism slide (as if I haven't already) if I felt like she wasn't just a bitchy roommate who had no right to criticize me. Plus, if we had a sex-life, I think she'd criticize me less because she might have a closer emotional connection with me. I'd have more motivation to do things around the house and do them well (not that I don't do plenty already. I'm just not particularly motivated).
So, I want to scream at her. I want to yell at her to stop criticizing me. I want to get right in her face. I want show her that there is a beastly man right here, and he is tired of taking her [censored]. And yes, I want to scare her a bit. Not with any aggressive physical stuff, just with my voice and my attitude and my "out-of-control-ness."
Because the calm and serene nature of HOM ain't working for either one of us.
Thoughts, comments, criticism, predictions, cheerleading, and other advice would be appreciated.
I don't think HOM requires 'doormat' status of the operator.
Stop eating crap and stand up for yourself before you really do snap and do something stupid.
You already know what I think about this stuff.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think that the concept of HOY comes into play AFTER you have stated your needs. You should be holding onto yourself in the face of her freaking on you about your unreasonable needs. Imo, it is NOT about being a doormat whatsoever.
Her tirade was totally uncalled for. So you didn't have a jelly thermometer. What about her dumbass move of buying grapes that she knew nothing about??
I think you should lay some ground rules with her. I would calmly and politely tell her that the next time you get criticized for something silly like that that she can expect all her worst nightmares about "men" to come true and you will go medieval on her arse. Then follow through on the very next occasion that it happens.
Follow thru seems to be key with this woman. She appears to be constantly testing you to see if you are serious or just mouthing off.
Now...on to something pleasant. The grape syrup. What about keeping it in the jars and using it for grape juice concentrate?
When I was a child, we had concord grape vines and my mom used to make jelly every summer. I was JUST telling H this story the other day about how she would save gallon jugs from milk so that she could make huge batches of grape juice in them and freeze them. My mom was very strict and fresh grape juice in the summer was one of the few sweets she would allow us to eat. So I have fond memories of it!
So maybe you can tell your cranky wife that you did it on purpose so that D3 would have a big supply of grape juice. Let me know if it works.
So, I want to scream at her. I want to yell at her to stop criticizing me. I want to get right in her face. I want show her that there is a beastly man right here, and he is tired of taking her [censored]. And yes, I want to scare her a bit. Not with any aggressive physical stuff, just with my voice and my attitude and my "out-of-control-ness."
Maybe its time to let her know just how you feel, minus the yelling. Why not tell her exactly how her criticizing makes you feel? Why not tell her you really felt like pouring that jelly/juice right on her head? Say it without yelling, just simply tell her. Does she know that her criticizing you about everything is making you very angry? From what you say you usually just let this pass over, but obviously the long term of her doing this is not good. Don't hold it in, tell her.
Do not know if this is the right advice, but if you are that angry over it, time to do something about it.
W is one angry person and somehow busting your b*lls makes her feel better. It is clear she resents you, probably because you don't have the same set of probs she has. I say stand up for yourself and say "I guess it makes you feel better about yourself to put me down, and you come across as a bitchy bully. So why are you so unhappy?" I'd leave it at that.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't know sh*t or I wouldn't still be here; but.....
Hairdog, I think you are WAY overdue for a blow-up. And I think she has it coming and she knows it. If nothing else it should make you feel better and hopefully it'll get her attention. It might be the ONLY thing that gets her attention.
When you do it, make it a good one. A rip roaring, slobber slinging, make a sailor blush tantrum. One that peels the paint off the walls and leaves her standing in the corner wondering what the hell just happened. And when she walks away in the middle of it, just keep going and be right on her heels.
As someone with former "doormat" status, I really feel for you. The reason you are so angry and resentful, IMO, is that you are doing things or not doing things in order to get laid that have nothing to do with getting laid. In a way you are doing the opposite of holding on to yourself. You are pre-emptively caving on the sex issue. It is just the same as if you had presented your W with a two choice dilemma and instead of holding on to yourself in the face of her reaction, you backed down and apologized or got cold and distant or angry. You are trying to mind-read your W's response to the possibility of such a two-choice dilemma and you are backing down OR getting angry before you even present her with the choices.
You need to get in touch with your sexy side. Do the mental equivalent of putting on a leather jacket and telling yourself that you look damn good in it. Realize just how good it feels to be a sexual being. Then with your balls fully inflated, go give your W the two-choice dilemma that you know you need to give her before you have an aneurism.
You need to put your wife in the crucible before you can really experience the "joy" of holding on to yourself.
Hugs,
MM
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
dude, I can so relate. Here is one word of caution from another door-mat type. I so rarely blow up that when it does happen, I tend to go overboard and say things that are hurtful - especially since I mean them. The blow up then becomes destructive, instead of cathartic. On the other hand, you don't want to be HOM the way that Castanza says "serenity now" - we all know how that ended.
My advice, FWIW, is to think about all that makes you angry, all that you resent, and use your anger as a motivational tool to actually go talk to your wife in firm, certain terms. As MM said, you need to put the screws to her and stick her right into her crucible.
JMO, YMMV, et caetera.
They don't call me <mad> frog for nuthin'
The differentiation song:
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Linkin Park
All good advice, as expected. I especially liked the ssm-newbie Lettie's words of advice about W being a bitchy bully. How many times have I told my kids that the bullies at school insult them because they are jealous or angry or have inferiority complexes? Because the insult is intended to make the bully feel better about themselves.
I don't even really care if my W does, indeed, feel as if I do things "half-assed" sometimes. What does telling me this "feeling" accomplish? It makes me feel bad. Why would someone who says she loves me do this? It makes no logical sense. (I left a wide opening for you, Scott1701).
Keep it coming, friends. I really needed the vent, and am appreciating the comments.
I think its not time to blow anything up. It is time for you to state very calmly what you will not put up with and then let her know what will happen if she doesn't follow this stuff. Then it will give you a real chance to hold onto your self. Because I think she does this because she know that she won't get anything out of you because you are in doormat status.
