I think that HOM is causing me HBP. (That's high blood pressure, for you folks younger than 40).
Last weekend my W bought some Concord grapes at an organic farmers market. They smelled heavenly, but were awful to eat because of their texture and seediness. I knew that they would not get eaten as snacks, and would go to waste, so I offered to make grape jelly, which I had never tried before. I really like to cook, so this was not a big surprise to my W.
I followed all the directions up until the final cooking, in which it was strongly recommended that I use a jelly thermometer to make sure I boiled the fruit juice and sugar to the proper temperature. I don't have such a thermometer so I followed the next recommendation, which was to observe how the juice/jelly dripped off a spoon while you were cooking it. I was pretty sure I had the right temperature, poured the mixture into jelly jars, and, as you might guess, ended up with great tasting grape syrup.
I mentioned this to my W last night, noting that I planned to re-cook it later. She said, "yet another example of you doing something half-assed and endind up with bad results, or having to do it over. I don't know why you didn't just go out and buy a jelly thermometer in the first place."
I give her the DITH look (deer in the headlights). She continues, "oh, you know what I'm talking about." She proceeds to go through some examples, mostly of tasks I did upon her request, and did not meet her level of perfection.
I am HOM...telling myself to calm down, I have dealt with enough stress today dealing with ex wife who seems to be losing the battle with alcoholism. HOM, HOM...it's almost a mantra.
My W notes my silence. I am thinking of what to say. Do I mention that I wasn't the one who bought the inedible grapes? That I knew they would go to waste unless someone did something with them? That it was unlikely she would have enough free time during the final week of their pre-rot window to do anything with them? That I had depended on the secondary method in the cookbook, and it hadn't worked? That I was tired of her criticizing me? That I wanted to pour the grape syrup on her head?
She finally saw that I had a mixture of anger, resentment, and hurt in my eyes and, in a grand gesture of concession, allowed as how I have been doing better lately on not cutting so many corners.
As I mentioned, I was pretty stressed already with my ex-wife's behavior, so I decided I didn't want to get into it with her over the criticism issue.
How is this tied into SSM? How was I HOM? I was just telling myself, "she is criticizing me to provide yet another reason not to be touched tonight, just in case the usual reasons don't cut it."
Folks, I am tired of HOM. I want to kick some ass. I want to tell my W to cut the crap. I want to let her know, in no unclear terms, that this has to stop. That I will not be her whipping boy, her doormat, or her scapegoat. And I don't want to do it quietly. I don't want to do it calmly. I want to explode. Why? One: I think my mental health depends on it...I need some catharsis. Two: I think it may be the only way I can get her to understand.
As you know, she can be a ball-busting feminist. Her view of men is generally that they are tyrants who are into treating women like objects, keeping women "in line." Men are aggressive, crude, violent members of some sort of secret society who come up with ways to demean women, objectify them, and keep them from getting any closer to the board room than the secretarial pool. This is somewhat of an exaggeration, but she can sometimes get this outrageous. Men are baaaaad.
Except Hairdog. He is hard to get riled up into an argument. He backs down A LOT. He may "pressure" Ms. H to have sex, but he's easy to deter: all Ms. H has to do is to push a hand away and he's done. Or, if his approach is by word rather than action, all Ms. H has to do is say "no, and until you're okay with me saying no, it won't become a 'yes.'" Hairdog is a good father, a dependable breadwinner, a good cook, a pretty decent handy-man. But sometimes Ms. H needs to remind him of all the shortcomings she sees in him. Why does she do this? As noted above, it's one sure-fire way to stir up a reason not to ML. It's a way to get him off his butt to do things that need to be done. It a way to put him in his place.
Asking her to stop criticizing me has not helped. She just can't seem to stop.
And dang it, folks, it wouldn't be so bad if we had a decent sex-life. I think I'd let a lot of the criticism slide (as if I haven't already) if I felt like she wasn't just a bitchy roommate who had no right to criticize me. Plus, if we had a sex-life, I think she'd criticize me less because she might have a closer emotional connection with me. I'd have more motivation to do things around the house and do them well (not that I don't do plenty already. I'm just not particularly motivated).
So, I want to scream at her. I want to yell at her to stop criticizing me. I want to get right in her face. I want show her that there is a beastly man right here, and he is tired of taking her [censored]. And yes, I want to scare her a bit. Not with any aggressive physical stuff, just with my voice and my attitude and my "out-of-control-ness."
Because the calm and serene nature of HOM ain't working for either one of us.
Thoughts, comments, criticism, predictions, cheerleading, and other advice would be appreciated.
