I've only been reading this board for five days, but I think I've found my people! I'm amazed at the intelligence, compassion, wit, and understanding I'm seeing in your posts. This might be just about the smartest board I've ever seen!

I have (and have read) the first two of Schnarch's books-- read them years ago hoping to inject some vitality in to my marriage with my late husband. I've also read the Languages of Love and found it extremely helpful in decoding some of the misunderstandings between me and my bf of two years. He's an acts of service guy, whereas I love presents! Just bought Schnarch's latest book, Resurrecting Sex. Yes, I find myself in a new relationship with some of the same themes as my marriage.

When my bf and I first got together two years ago, he was drinking heavily. I had come out of a marriage where I had been a caregiver for 10 years. Then I was on my own, grieving and lost for two years. I longed for a relationship where health wasn't the main focus and where there would be regular sex.

Instead, I fell in love with an alcoholic. Darn, I hate it when that happens. Even from the beginning, I had to drag him to the bedroom. Why did I stick around? Different reasons... optimism, stupidity, plus everything else in the relationship wasn't just good, it was perfect. He was everything I had been looking for in terms of interests, personality compatibility, values, love of animals, lifestyle preferences, music, cooking-- absolutely everything.

The sexual zone was troubled. It was just never smooth. I ALWAYS had to initiate. It was always me doing oral on him while one of us stimulating me manually. Needless to say, there were erectile difficulties. He NEVER would do oral on me (aversion to Female Parts-- smells, tastes, etc. Gee, with other guys, you have to DRAG them out of there! LOL!). Finally I got to the point where I said, If we could just do it once a week, I would feel normal. On a couple of occasions, we REALLY connected, and I always had hope it might happen again. Once we had a spectacular encounter-- he was SOOO open, loving, tender, verbal-- God, it was a dream come true. The next day I referred to it and he didn't remember one thing. It was a total, alcohol-induced blackout. I felt like I had been slugged.

Fast forward to five months ago. He had quadruple bypass surgery. It was a real come-to-Jesus experience for him (and for me, too-- to be sitting once again at the bedside of the man I loved, wondering if he was going to survive-- VERY scary and stressful, especially given my history).

The day before the heart diagnosis, he was laid off from his job-- it was completely unexpected. His company closed all of their stores-- 2,500 people were laid off that day.

Anyway, he has stopped drinking. Thank God. So now he's facing all of these crises without anesthesia.

And he's having the same ED for physical/emotional reasons, AND is discovering that this is the first time in his life that he's trying to be intimate SOBER. We are in counseling, and the counselor is okay. The C is not familiar with Schnarch. I asked him yesterday.

My bf is willing, but scared. To his credit, he recognizes this. He says he would like our sex life to be better. (Personally, I would like to HAVE a sex life.)

Before the surgery when he was drinking, he would be all kissy-face and suggestive, grabbing me, playing with me, etc., but it NEVER led to ML unless I made it happen. There were the times he fell asleep while touching me, passed out on the couch, even rejected me outright a few times.

Since the surgery five months ago we've ML four times. Interestingly, two of those times were within two weeks of the surgery and he initiated both times. I was overjoyed. Here he had stopped drinking and he was initiating sex-- YAY!! But after that, he didn't initiate any more. So since those two times, we've done it twice-- both times me doing oral on him, and I didn't come. I playfully told him he owes me an O, and he playfully agreed. Frankly lately it worries me that I'M losing interest...

Last week I was ready to bail, but on Friday I started reading this board, and it was such a relief to see that others are grappling with these issues, too. And y'all are so damn SMART!!!

So I bought SSM and read it. I'm reading Schnarch. I told my bf yesterday at the therapist's that I was going to back way off and give him some compassion and some room and have patience. He has a LOT on his plate... and whereas I think sex could be a comfort and a haven, to him it is *~PERFORMANCE~* with a capital "P"-- actually the P is NOT a capital P-- anyway...

I don't know whether this will ever improve. In my mind, I've given it a year. If we're still on this square a year from now with NO forward movement, I'll probably leave. We're not married. We still have both our houses, even though we live together. We go back and forth between his house in the city and mine in the country-- a fabulous arrangement. I can't get married again for financial reasons, so fortunately, that's off the table.

When I was younger and in an unhappy relationship, I used to assume that a new partner was what I needed. Now at age 55 (he's 54), I understand that the common denominator is ME. So I'm not so quick to bail-- maybe that attitude made me stay in this longer than I should have. But we are soooo compatible walking around with our clothes on!! I feel that if we can connect in bed, it will be great. If he can stop being afraid of me and women and sex. (If you met his mom, you would know why he's afraid of women!) I do feel that we are perfectly matched-- at least for Growth! I hope we're also matched for Living.

Mojo's story was particularly inspiring. In fact, all of your stories are inspiring.

Anyone have any advice on the subject of sex after sobriety-- facing the world and your naked spouse without your anesthesia?

I look forward to learning more as I move around this board.