I'm posting this to give myself a measuring stick for any action that may be appropriate. I've found that I become passive without doing so. Comments and critiques are welcome.
Nothing new has taken place in my M. As a reminder, several months ago I told my W that I would no longer accept uninvolved and unenthusiastic sex. That started her reading a little of TSSM and PM (up to HTR), talking to a phone counselor from DB, and initiating sex several mornings over a few weeks. Once the sex started there was an "I'm glad that's over with" attitude and shortly afterward things stopped (somewhat due to scheduled vacations and other summer events).
Since the initial "confrontation" there have been no attempts on her part to regain any connection, sexual or emotional. We've had one convo about it since. I let her know that I'm not upset, but in the same place as before. I won't pressure her for sex and I won't accept mercy sex, but that I need a sexual R to be happy and therefore can't guarantee, under the present circumstances, that I'll be around when the kids are grown.
We're currently living through the manic-depressive behavior swings, heavy on the depressive side. Everything is my fault: I'm not affectionate, I'm not giving her confidence to do anything, I'm not helping her with the kids, etc.
To respond honestly to her charges: I'm only "friendly" affectionate (friendly hugs, backrubs when requested, etc.), I express appreciation for what she does for the family (but I'm not taking responsibility to "build her up"),and I always have helped with the kids (this is a "push my button" move).
She mentioned the other day that she knows that I may not be around when the kids are grown, which was a real surprise to me. (Pre-PM, she would ignore what I've had to say about being "desperate".)
Consequently, I don't see anything else to do. There's nothing more to say for her to understand how serious an issue this is for me. She doesn't have my "threat of leaving" hanging over her head since my youngest is 7, and she knows I'll keep my word to stay.
In the middle of a fit she threw last week, she claimed that she wanted sex and I was the one who was refusing, followed by telling me that I was disobeying the Bible to refuse her. When I calmly responded that she should live according to what the Bible says before using it against me, she moved her tantrum to another subject.
Anyway, this is for me more than anyone else. Hopefully, it will give me some clarity or something. I may have a long way to go.
Maybe I should start working on that personal ad now..."Financially secure HDM, 59, seeks attractive 20-something HDW for true love. Sex once every day a minimum! Desire and initiative critical. Experience not necessary, will train. Interested applicants will be required to audition.(Older than 20's invited to apply if applicant believes herself up to the strenuous activity level.)"
Quote: Maybe I should start working on that personal ad now..."Financially secure HDM, 59, seeks attractive 20-something HDW for true love. Sex once every day a minimum! Desire and initiative critical. Experience not necessary, will train. Interested applicants will be required to audition.(Older than 20's invited to apply if applicant believes herself up to the strenuous activity level.)"
I can't imagine spending your life with someone so much younger. You've had so much life experience that happened before a younger partner was even born, and you've reached a maturity level that by virtue of the years on the earth that a younger person couldn't hope to duplicate. Even the sex would probably get boring, since the younger partner would still be in the discovery phase as you are having the onset of disfunctions associated with later years. Nope, if I ever had to start over, it would be with someone close to my own age again.
--GGB who'd love to have some young meat, but wouldn't want to live with it (and possibly would be able to keep up)
Quote: .(Older than 20's invited to apply if applicant believes herself up to the strenuous activity level.)"
Where do I begin? Have you learned nothing from your experience?
I suppose as a woman who is about to turn 40, I should be somewhat offended by your post. However, the fact of the matter is that thanks to the fact that I have the sort of body favored by the hip-hop generation combined with the vibe of open-minded experience, middle-aged me is far more likely to be able to get me some "young meat" than middle-aged you.
GGB,
I know you meant well, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you even think the phrase "young meat" in your wife's presence, the level of her LD will sink beyond ND into a region so cold that the heat death of the universe will begin in your bed.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Oh yeah, and not to mention I'm not in the habit of fantasizing about younger women. Most of mine (fantasiesn, not OW) are either my W or my fuzzy rendition of Hankette, who is 40ish (GGB is 43).
I know you meant well, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you even think the phrase "young meat" in your wife's presence, the level of her LD will sink beyond ND into a region so cold that the heat death of the universe will begin in your bed.
Maybe he likes veal.
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Oh geez. Okay Barney, behind door number one, is the reality of Mrs. Barney, but willing or even eager to have sex with you. Behind door number two, is a 20-something, also willing or even eager to have sex with you-- but as a 20 something, needs your wisdom and maturity (read between the lines, father figure and $). Which door do you want?
If door #1 appeals, you gotta do something to reconnect with your W. I just don't think married people do not much have sex, when they aren't connected. You two sound real un-connected.
If Mrs Barney is a good "total package" then work on getting that connection going, and the sex will follow. If Mrs Barney is not a good total package, then think about why you want to be married to her/have sex with her in the first place.
And by the way, as a HD woman way older than qualifies for your totally tasteless ad.... let me tell you that I am so much better now than when I was 20 it's not even funny.
Hay Dude! I am 60 and never would consider a mate under 50, preferrably 55 to 63. Those young ladies get pregnant and then you have to think about raising YOUR offspring for another 20+ years. Bin there, done that (BTDT). Grandchildren are much better. You get to play with them for a while and then can give them back to the parents.
By the posts here on SSM, there are a number of mature women who are interested in an intimate relationship. Must be several in the general population too. Back to not getting much.
My W is LD most of the time and tries to blame her LD on aging. I used to buy it, but after reading about women who's H have lost the ability / desire to be sexual with their W's and how upset the wife is with out LM by posting here. I tell my W that "age might be a factor, but I have read several posts here that many women ARE interested in LM, so I do not buy your story 100%.
W also trys tells me "most guys my age need Viagra or have lost interest in LM" and "what's wrong with you, you are too old for that kind of stuff."
To counter W's talk about "being too old" I reply "age is a mental as well as a physical concept" "I feel like I am 35 with more gray hair than normal."
What are your W's LL= love language from the book The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman are: AOS-Acts of Service, G-Gifts, QT-Quality Time, PT-Physical Touch, WOA-Words of Affirmation.
You know you have to give to get. And not all giving gets what you want. I do things for W just because I think any decent person that is a spouse, should have those things done for her.
My W likes foot/back rubs. That gets me the closest to ML. That mights Sound like I bribe W to ML because I gave her a foot rub while watching some "chick" movie that I did note care to watch. It is not a bribe. I do it for her!
Other times I expect to ML without me doing anything special for her because I expect give and take in the relationship.
I recall sevral HDH's on this SSM site posted, Do not whine, state what you expect in a firm, no-naccusitory manner. It works for me sometimes, anyway a little more LM than last year.
OG-Lou who would like to find the "whats fair land" life ain't. But I have PMA.
Barney is obviously a bad influence on a nice guy like you. You might want to avoid hanging out on his thread in the future.
Barney,
I am going to let you take off your dunce cap and leave the corner because deep down I believe there is the possibility that you still might be able to learn something.
Quote: ..."Financially secure HDM, 59, seeks attractive 20-something HDW for true love. Sex once every day a minimum! Desire and initiative critical. Experience not necessary, will train. Interested applicants will be required to audition.(Older than 20's invited to apply if applicant believes herself up to the strenuous activity level.)"
I can not think of one woman in my whole lifetime acquaintance who would respond to this personal ad and most women I've associated with have been HD.
Though I still believe that there is hope for your SSM, I have done you the favor of writing an ad that would actually serve your purposes. Study this ad carefully because when you get to the point that your sentiment and the sentiment of this ad are in alignment, your odds of actually getting some "wall-socket" sex will be greatly increased.
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"Love makes its record in deeper colors as we grow out of childhood into manhood; as the emperors signed their names in green ink when under age, but when of age in purple" -Longfellow
If you believe that purple is the color of passion as well as maturity, please join me in writing all the remaining chapters of my life. Come close and let this man prove to you that "the love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable."
contact Hank Sr.
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"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Geeze, barney. Why not just say that you want a mate who would share in your favorite past-time of kicking puppies?
In your defense, I think you were probably joking. Weren't you?
As for the main reason behind your post, which, as I see it, is documenting the crappy efforts by your W to continue trying to have a sex life with you, I think that's a worthy reason for a new thread.
