{{{{{{{{{{{{FF}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm really feeling for you and normally would try to say something constructive but whereas I can come up with all sorts of ideas on how to manipulate an ice queen I really can't see a way to budge this iceberg. One of the things that is coming over is that you are quite "needy" and this can be a big turnoff for an LD. What about trying something like: Back off on all physical touch (hard to do I know) but spoil him in other ways such as gifts and acts of service. Make the house absolutely spick and span. Decorate a room on your own. Improve the quality the food you make him. Buy him a new shirt. Most of all DON'T BEG FOR GRATITUDE. Let him soak up the love you are giving him in his own time. Gradually add some very small physical touches then one day, surprise him by saying something like "Rape and pillage me you gorgeous Viking hunk!". Let me tell you, that would work wonders for me! SD
Quote: radually add some very small physical touches then one day, surprise him by saying something like "Rape and pillage me you gorgeous Viking hunk!".
I would, perhaps, suggest that you be wearing a furry bikini (kind of like Raquel Welch wore in "One Million Years, B.C." and an iron helmet with horns when you try this. Braids would be nice, too. Put on "Ride of the Valkyries" and if he doesn't ravage you that very moment, you have more serious problems than a SSM . . . you are married to a man with no pulse.
There was a fur store in the center of town here that had fur bikinis in the window...one summer several of the musicians visiting our festival decided this would be the greatest gift they could bring home to their wives - only problem was they decided on Sat. afternoon after the store was closed, and they were leaving on Mon. morning early.
H, being the ultimate host, spent the weekend chasing the owners down so that the guests could get their presents! (never bought one for me though...)
Hmm...not quite in bikini shape, but the horns might be a good idea
Thanks for the hugs and the suggestions...I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm not sure...first I was thinking I was just trying to avoid things, but if that's what I have to do to get my H to notice me, it's going to be a while...
RIght now I have a pile of laundry a mile high since nobody did laundry last week while I was gone. There's this afternoon's dirty dishes in the sink since H broke the washer the other day, hasn't fixed it, and I didn't get to them before I left for work, since I was chasing two very active 4 yr olds. Tommorrow is my first day off in 2 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to spending most of it outside with the kids, since they've also promised sun (which, if it's true, will mean the first two days of sun we've had all month).
Food: H is one of those people who eat to live. I love to cook, I would make gourmet meals every night, heck, three times a day, but H turns up his nose to anything but the small list of things he will eat (I have managed to make that list quite a bit longer in the 14 yrs we've been together)
So, maybe sex isn't so high on my list of priorities after all. Besides, if I stop showing any kind of physical touch to H, we'll just be back to where we were six months ago.
Sorry guys. I guess today's not the greatest day for dealing with this...partially hormonal, partially just exhaustion talking. Besides, I know I'm not supposed to have expectations, but all I can see with the viking outfit is H laughing at me, and pointing out that Vikings are Norweigan, not Finnish...
Flutter, What does your H like about you? More importantly, what do you like about your H?
Maybe if you started with these small things and tried to build on those occasions when you each think about the other "I have such a great spouse.." then maybe the other stuff will gradually start to fall in place.
I sympathize with you. I cannot imagine working full time and being totally responsible for the housecleaning as well as the childcare. The exhaustion would prevent me from having any zest for life whatsoever. Is there any way you can afford a housekeeper? Or teach your kids how to run the washing machine? Something's gotta happen to give you the breathing room that you need to foster the pleasant home atmosphere that your H craves. It won't happen on its own; that's just too much for one person to handle.
Here is something for you to chew on, also: My H used to be a perfectionist about our house. He would pick at me constantly about it being cluttered up with toys, blah blah. At the time, D5 was a 13 month old baby and I was also babysitting out of my home..a 4 month old infant and a 6 week old infant. I was frazzled, as you could imagine. Then he would waltz in the door, ranting and raving about the laundry not being done and the dishes in the sink and the baby spitup smell and WHY does it always smell like dirty diapers in here?? Etc.
I chalked it up to him being a Marine in his former life and wanting/expecting everything to be perfect. He IS a neat freak and loves everything to be just so.
But you know what? We started to repair our sex life and he INSTANTLY chilled. I mean, the changes in him were so dramatic I was stunned. He stopped complaining about the house..when he came home, he would just pitch in if something didn't get done that day. Having regular sex took the 'edge' off him. He became much less grouchy and I was much less frazzled. We didn't WANT to hurt each other with our barb-slinging. There was an atmosphere of mutual goodwill and we wanted to help each other. I think that H was most surprised about this. He couldn't believe the changes in his own personality; I think he had come to expect that he was just a grouchy old crab who, like his father, was going to bitch and pick at his wife and kids for the rest of his life.
As time went on, I started making sure the house was clean when he arrived at night. Not because I dreaded his reaction but because I wanted to make him happy. I realized that, yes, it's a quirk and an annoying one but it is HIS quirk and I can either work with that or spend my time railing against the injustice of it all. So it was a mutual moving TOWARDS each other and it was directly related to the amount of intimacy that was in our lives, and the resurgence of our sex life.
I don't know if this is what will happen in your situation or not and I certainly don't mean to be a pollyanna (fix the sex and he will stop complaining!!) but just wanted to relate that I remember quite well being henpecked by a nagging and never-happy husband who wanted the house perfect. Now the house is pretty darn good lookin and H could care less. He is a happier man and I was right after all--he just needed to get laid!!!
Ok, that last sentence was exaggeration but I had to make you laugh...sounds like you're having a bad day.
Good luck and keep at it; it's a battle worth fighting.
Thanks HP for taking the time to write such a nice post.
I suspect too, that like your H, if we were 'being nasty', he might be a little less picky...
When I'm home in the summer, I do keep the place pretty neat, 'cause it make life much easier , things have just gotten a little out of hand, it's a little frustrating that if I have anything extra going on, I'm the one to pick up the slack.
The girls are getting to the age where they do help out eagerly, and it has made my life a lot easier. The boys too, but they still need supervision
Just that things have piled up, and I'm a bit exhausted, and a bit needy today.
Hope that baby of yours decides to make his entrance tonight!!!
Do male Finns ever rub feet, put body lotion on their female partners back, or wash backs if you had a tub bath? Just thinking of subtile tricks to engage your H in some manually stimulation activities. It gets me going even if I am not in the mood. Also saw them listed on a dating site. Some dress-up possabilities below.
If Norway was known for the Viking, is Finland known for any strong male or female character? I know about Johan (Jean) Julius Christian Sibelius and have some of his music.
England had Boudicca, widow of Prasutagus, became queen of the Iceni, a Celtic group in Norfolk and Suffolk in eastern Britain. She led the local army against the Romans.
France had Joan of Arc, also a military leader. Maybe you have to be a Military General to get things going but I do not want to start a war.
there are probably lot of Finnish males who do all of that and more...
For a bit of cultural trivia...the equivalent of washing backs in the tub (there aren't too many tubs here ) would be hitting your wife on the back with a bunch of birch twigs in the sauna (no joke!) I love sauna, not so much into hitting myself with a bunch of sticks and leaves!
Finland's 'national epic' is the Kalevala, a collection of stories mostly from the Karelian area of Finland - most of Karelia is now on the 'other' side of the border.
But there are some very strong male charecters, Vainamoinen (all the a's and o's should have dots over them) who is sort of the grandfather of everything, Lemminkainen, not so strong, but a wild young man who gets into all kinds of oedipal-style trouble. The women are the creators - earth mother style. 'Ilman impi' - 'The Spirit of the Wind', and 'The Mother of the North' are the strong charecters. Most of the 'marriages' in these fables take place by the men dragging them off in their sleigh (the women don't seem to mind too much!)
Finnish family life is still pretty much based on the farm family style - Dad does the heavy work outside the home, Mom takes care of everything else - even though most people don't live in the countryside any more. This is changing, slowly, though you notice a big difference in the 20-somethings now.
) would be hitting your wife on the back with a bunch of birch twigs in the sauna (no joke!) I love sauna, not so much into hitting myself with a bunch of sticks and leaves!