Flutter, What does your H like about you? More importantly, what do you like about your H?
Maybe if you started with these small things and tried to build on those occasions when you each think about the other "I have such a great spouse.." then maybe the other stuff will gradually start to fall in place.
I sympathize with you. I cannot imagine working full time and being totally responsible for the housecleaning as well as the childcare. The exhaustion would prevent me from having any zest for life whatsoever. Is there any way you can afford a housekeeper? Or teach your kids how to run the washing machine? Something's gotta happen to give you the breathing room that you need to foster the pleasant home atmosphere that your H craves. It won't happen on its own; that's just too much for one person to handle.
Here is something for you to chew on, also: My H used to be a perfectionist about our house. He would pick at me constantly about it being cluttered up with toys, blah blah. At the time, D5 was a 13 month old baby and I was also babysitting out of my home..a 4 month old infant and a 6 week old infant. I was frazzled, as you could imagine. Then he would waltz in the door, ranting and raving about the laundry not being done and the dishes in the sink and the baby spitup smell and WHY does it always smell like dirty diapers in here?? Etc.
I chalked it up to him being a Marine in his former life and wanting/expecting everything to be perfect. He IS a neat freak and loves everything to be just so.
But you know what? We started to repair our sex life and he INSTANTLY chilled. I mean, the changes in him were so dramatic I was stunned. He stopped complaining about the house..when he came home, he would just pitch in if something didn't get done that day. Having regular sex took the 'edge' off him. He became much less grouchy and I was much less frazzled. We didn't WANT to hurt each other with our barb-slinging. There was an atmosphere of mutual goodwill and we wanted to help each other. I think that H was most surprised about this. He couldn't believe the changes in his own personality; I think he had come to expect that he was just a grouchy old crab who, like his father, was going to bitch and pick at his wife and kids for the rest of his life.
As time went on, I started making sure the house was clean when he arrived at night. Not because I dreaded his reaction but because I wanted to make him happy. I realized that, yes, it's a quirk and an annoying one but it is HIS quirk and I can either work with that or spend my time railing against the injustice of it all. So it was a mutual moving TOWARDS each other and it was directly related to the amount of intimacy that was in our lives, and the resurgence of our sex life.
I don't know if this is what will happen in your situation or not and I certainly don't mean to be a pollyanna (fix the sex and he will stop complaining!!) but just wanted to relate that I remember quite well being henpecked by a nagging and never-happy husband who wanted the house perfect. Now the house is pretty darn good lookin and H could care less. He is a happier man and I was right after all--he just needed to get laid!!!
Ok, that last sentence was exaggeration but I had to make you laugh...sounds like you're having a bad day.
Good luck and keep at it; it's a battle worth fighting.
