'Fluttering' seems to be where i am right now...not quite sure what I'm doing. Maybe it's the few days I was away, or maybe it's the dark fall after a rainy summer, or pms, or whatever.

Last night I was going to start talking. I didn't want to get into a 'deep convo' I really wanted to ask some questions, in kind of a light friendly way, whatever, I froze. I couldn't do it. So we sat watching tv, H got up to get something at some point and complained about the kitchen...

I hate that this is about housework. I hate that H does no laundry while I'm away and complains that I leave something in the kitchen. I hate that that bothers me. I do get upset about this stuff, but only because H finds it important (and yes, I do see how horrible that sentance is!). Our house is not spotless, but it is far from complete chaos either. I can't help thinking that if we were ML all this other stuff would be a lot easier to deal with...

Anyway...after the show, H got up to get ready for bed, and I sat on the couch, kind of confused, and frustrated, mostly with myself. H came down to get a glass of water, so I went into the kitchen, took the glass from his hand, and hugged him. Surprised him a bit, and he said 'What's this?' I shrugged my shoulders.

H pulled away 'What's that supposed to mean'.
M 'It means, I don't honestly know what this is, but I'm lonely, and I needed a hug'

H squirmed a bit, then came back. I started crying. H took a paper and wiped - first his neck, then my eyes...but he did have a look in his eyes I haven't seen in a long time.

I tried to kiss him, finally got a friendly kiss back. There was a bit of H getting squirmy and noticing all kinds of 'things', but we did manage to hug for a few minutes.

Then H promptly announced that he still wasn't feeling well, and loaded himself up with newspapers to read in bed.

It's not all H's fault...there have been times in the morning, when he's been friendly and wakes me up with a hug and kiss, that I find myself thinking 'what does he want?' meaning is H being nice because he was cr*ppy last night and wants to be sure I'm in a good mood and will go make him breakfast.

I think we're getting to the point where we need to have the 'Look Mr, ML to me or I'm going to the bar' talk, and then let's sort the rest of this stuff out. It's either that, or PMS talking...