I read your message just before I went to bed last night, and it got to me. I broke down. Big sobs, feeling sorry for myself, why have I done this to me, my kids, etc...I really wasn't sure how I was going to get to sleep. Finally it struck me.
So I got up and went to the computer room where H was, and confronted him. Why had he acted that way with the kids, etc...H tried to sidetrack me several times (amazing how it's the same things over and over, I really can't understand how those things come out of an intellegent mouth), but finally I got through that what I want is for us as a family to enjoy being together, and that in 10 yrs when we have to deal with the *big* stuff with the kids, I hope that they will have some trust and respect in us, and maybe listen about 50% of the time (ok, I realize that may be pushing it )
H was very quiet, and I stood there, watching him wrestle with it, hoping he got what I meant. H finally said 'Go away', so I went back to bed. There was a part of me that was scared of what he would do...
H came to bed a little later, and I got a kiss and hug this morning. Baby steps...
I know that was very hard for you, but you did the right thing.
As you begin to stand up for yourself by creating reasonable boundaries in your relationship, your husband will be forced to change. Try your best not to live in fear of the outbursts and flagellating about as he deals with the issues.
Disclaimer: If he is the violent type, do be sure and protect yourself by removing yourself and the children from the situation immediately.
Hang in there. It will eventually get better!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
To keep this up to date...There are definate improvements around here. In the old days, after a blow up like this weekend, H would have moped around for several days, picking at everyone and everything, now things bounced back rather quickly to our friendly state.
One of the things that H has mentioned several times is that he wishes we could talk about neutral topics without getting upset at each other. It made me realize how much I had shut him out with my resentment. We've definately made progress here, even to the point that H will talk to me while we're watching TV, which before was absolutely sacred, and he would get upset if I tried to talk or make a comment about what we were watching.
Last night, the boys met me when I came home, ready for bed, and H came down shortly after. I gave him a hug, tried to give him a kiss and got a cheek...so I jokingly said 'that's not a kiss, and got the boys involved. H finally gave me a kiss, then laughed and wiped it off. Whatever.
Spurred on by HP's post on how ML had improved other areas of their M, I had gone over a convo in the car on the way home...but I'm afraid I chickened out. instead, when we were watching TV, I snuggled up to H, and ran my hand on his thigh. He didn't comment, but didn't push me away either. H started complaining about the show, so I sort of climbed into his lap and said 'You could kiss me instead' and tried to kiss him, but he pulled away. Still, he didn't get upset, or push me off. So I just sat up against him, and left it at that. He waited till after I was asleep to come to bed.
This morning H was a bit nervous, probably because I'm going away for a couple of days, but I did get a friendly hug and kiss when he left for work.
I guess I'll make a point of calling, sending messages while I'm away, but think I better stay in the range of friendly 'till we have another convo.
Quote: It made me realize how much I had shut him out with my resentment.
HM,
This really shows how one person making a change can make the relationship better. I found that I used to react to some of my H's comments/criticisms by holding onto anger and there would be this tension in the air for a long while...now I just nail him in the moment, regain my sense of self respect, and get over it. H picks up on this and snaps out of his negativity, and the end result is we are having a much more pleasant atmosphere in the house.
As I said in the earlier post, the trick is to keep at it and not allow yourself to feel drained. You really show some strong stuff by not getting sidelined by H's rejecting moves...good work!
That said, I am glad you are getting a few days' break from all this...enjoy!
Back from my little 'vacation' haha...actually been back for a couple of days, but I've been busy catching up on things around here, so I haven't had time to do much more than lurk.
Not much is new. I came home briefly on Fri, interesting to note that H immediately started in on picking...kinda sad to think that is the only way he can connect with me...as we were both tired, I think we did pretty good to not let it degenerate into anything worse.
On Sun, he started in again when I got home, but I was not going to let him spoil my mood, so I was able to diffuse things with my positive attitude. Unfortunately, I was so exhausted that I really had to go to sleep after I got the kids to bed (first good night sleep in a week), and H has had a nasty flu since then, so it hasn't been much more than me deflecting jabs, and H finally starting to calm down, we had a pleasant talk this morning.
On Sun evening, when I went in to the computer room to say goodnight to H, I 'caught' him watching porn. OK, it wasn't really porn, a sort of cartoon joke about f*cking styles throughout the world, but really in our situation...H wasn't embarressed, actually made a joke and showed me the whole thing...I really wished I had been able to act on that...I had really planned on bringing it up (in a pleasant way) on Mon, but H was in bed with fever...I still plan on using it as an opening for a new convo...let you know what happens.
Hey, Heapmom, good to see you're back! I have to ask: why is your screen name "heapmom"? I always want to shorten it to "heap," but that sounds so negative. Unless it has some inner-meaning, I suggest an SSM board contest to rename you.
Hairdog - whose name has deep inner meaning. Whateva'.
I bet her kid's initials are H,E,A,P. I think her new screen name should be FunkyFinn because her Finnish H is in a funk and when she starts getting some action she can just change a few letters to reflect her new situation.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MM you're right about the kids...couldn't think up a good name for the life of me, and don't really like 'heap' either...FunkyFinn...hmm, I'll have to think about it...any other ideas?
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