I think I will agree with you on this one. I can understand your W's position a little, in that I'm living in a 'foreign' culture. It can wear on you, in ways you don't even realize. It's a little like being forced to HOY most of the time.
There are lots of things about this culture I don't agree with, and in many cases it even goes against my integrity - especially now that I'm a parent. Finns tend to take authority at face value, even when it's almost blatently obvious that this person doesn't have your best interest at heart. So when I stand up for myself, or my kids, I'm doing it alone, and sometimes even H can't understand why I feel the need to 'fight'.
I can almost understand, if not agree, with your W keeping your kids in your bed. It may be this is a vestige of her home culture, and if she feels powerless, it may be she holds on to that like a kid holds on to his blanket. 'Course that's only my opinion, and I don't know your W at all.
It does make sense though, if she's getting a chance to prove herself with this real estate deal, and gaining confidence - and you're making headway at the same time.
I know you said your kids attend Japanese school every Sat., do you celebrate Japanese holidays as a family?
Last night was 'date night'...I'll take responsibility for it being a flop
After I put the boys to bed, H was sitting at the computer, so I logged on for a while to catch up on some mail. Just as I was finishing up, H walked by, and I asked if he wanted to do something.
'yeah, but you seem to be busy...' Aagh. strike one against me. I went downstairs where he was reading the paper, and started some small talk, it was pretty comfortable, except for the part when I said I wanted to dance.
H 'Well, there's the floor, you can get up and jump around yourself if you want'
I kind of laughed it off, and we went on talking for a while, H stood up, so I went and hugged him. He leaned on me for a while, then pulled away, so I kissed him, and he hugged me for a few seconds more before bolting off.
I decided to go upstairs and change into something 'more comfortable', but not blatently sexy, and lay on our bed reading. A little while later, H walked by and I called out 'hello'.
H 'oh, there you are, I wondered where you disappeared to.'
M 'Just got bored watching you read the paper. Would you come and sit and talk with me?'
H keeps himself busy picking stuff up etc. Earlier he refused to go for a walk since last time I had complained that he found all kinds of other things to do on our walks, so I decided against bringing up the point that he was doing that again...
We talked a little bit about nothing for a little while, but he never sat down. Then he said he wanted to finish up the Amazon order he was placing for my dad to bring with him when he comes in a few weeks, and asked if I would come and check if there was anything I wanted.
So that was it. we sat each at our own computers, throwing comments back and forth...which might even be nice if I knew there was more...finally I said I was going to bed (it was way after midnight), and went in to give him a kiss, asked if he was coming.
I put my arms around his neck, and he didn't pull back, actually at one point, he held on as I tried to pull away. This is the first sign of affection I've had from him in I don't know how many years...and the first time in a long time I really felt I could have sex with this man.
We didn't...but baby steps, right?
I'm still struggling with some feelings myself, which I'll try to put into words later if I get a chance, gotta go pick D8 up from school.
Oh, I just had a laugh. D6 asked me to tie her bandana (all the rage here right now) for her, and I noticed the name of the company was 'Have a Hank'. Took all I had to keep from laughing, as I didn't really want to have to explain...
Quote: and I noticed the name of the company was 'Have a Hank'
I had a similar SSM moment yesterday. I was driving home when a little Mazda pulled in front of me. The license plate read "SUPRDAVE" You're not stateside, are you, Superdave?
I guess I've been letting things slide for a while, gonna' pay for it. We've been able to talk about little stuff over the past few days, I've been pretty positive, even though H has been picking at things, but not too bad, especially when he realizes he can't get to me. There have been a couple of days when I've felt overwhelmed, but I've been able to bounce back.
We went to in-law's summer cottage for the last time this weekend, to pick potatoes, I got to go mushrooming. One thing about having a rainy summer, there are lots of mushrooms in the fall!!
Didn't see much of H while we were there but that's not unusual, since we busy ourselves with different things...BIL talked to me at one point, asked what is up with H, he seems even more negative than usual...I said that H had told me his 'winter blues' were already setting in, and that we had had some long talks...BIL says he doesn't get how someone with so much going for him can be so negative...
We came home late last night so we would have today 'off'. I got up with the kids this 'morning', per usual, H came down later ate by himself, then started cleaning. He got D6 to help him.
H started yelling at the kids for different things, some of them legitimate complaints, but definately in a much too loud tone, and he kept pushing, started with me...
I lost it. I hate that he can push my buttons that way, and that I let it get to me. I went upstairs to cool off, then came back down and apologized.
M 'I'm sorry I lost my temper, but it gets to me when your first interaction with us this morning is yelling, and it seems as though you keep pushing me to see how far you can go before I blow up.'
H 'That's your opinion'
He did calm down, and he did spend a little more time with the kids this afternoon, but I still think I did more harm...it will be a long time before he cleans again, and this tension will build, Not only that but I've lost a lot of the small EC that I had started to feel. I guess I'm trying to find a way to get my guts up again for another big talk. ML would strengthen the EC, but without it, H isn't going to even want to talk, and I'm feeling worn out...
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hi HM, I know you are tired, but it's going to take some perserverence in order to get things to change. The one good thing in all this is your recognition that you do have needs...you need this man to offer you emotional/physical support.
Besides his lack of desire for sex, there is an atmosphere of negativity/criticism and lack of affection. There's the "emotional fusion" of marriage along with H's underlying depression. It's gone on for so long, and with work and 4 kids, no wonder you're exhausted.
I have been working on many of the same elements, and I have to say, MM's concept of "dog training" really helped me. You still love the dog ( your H) but not the behavior. You have to detach and call him on his actions, in a strong way, with no apologies, and then get back to yourself. Try not to linger in emotional distance after each interaction ( hard to do when the attacks become personalized). He has to know that you will no longer tolerate his excessive negativity and that you are strong in your resolve. The quicker you can get back to yourself, the healthier it is for you...and for him. The hope is eventually he will begin to see that his attitude is "off" and is that he contributing to the difficulties.
While you are limiting the negativity, you also have to add in positivity into the equation. Set up a schedule for hugging ( maybe before work and after work) and a time for the two of you to have fun without R talk. You are consciously adding "affection" back into the picture, even if it doesn't feel so natural to begin with. Sometimes emotions follow behavior.
Lastly, I do feel you need to confront the sexual desire issue, but I would wait until there is a better feeling between you, when the affection clearly outweighs the criticism.
Remember in all this to take care of yourself---do things just for you!
You know, he wasn't, certainly not intentionally, except maybe just at the end - I found myself getting tense as he started to clean, an old reaction from 'expecting' him to start criticizing me, tried to stop it, and as he got mad at the kids, I found my anxiety level rising as his tone was rather harsh, and this was the first contact he had had with the kids this morning.
When he started yelling at them about something they couldn't possibly have done, I stepped in, and told him most likely it was me who had done it, so he yelled at me, and here he did use 'old' methods that he knew would get my goat, and a very fused convo ensued, ended with my getting very upset and storming off.
Quote: Why did you apologize to him?
I apologized for blowing up at the end. I slammed doors...not very nice behavior, and even if he was being difficult, I should have found a better way of expressing my anger.
Thank you for your very kind post. I guess this morning, after packing, going to the cottage, and coming home late last night, I was too tired to hold on.
We've been doing much better over the past week or so of diffusing things, and keeping up the small EC that we've got, I've been able to keep a positive spin on things, which is easy, since with just about everyone else, I am a very upbeat person, and H is starting to notice that he can't get me upset in the same way.
H is more reseptive to hugs, and very often will give me a kiss in the morning. It's still about the same as he would give to our ds, but it's an improvement. I don't want to push too much for more, untill the EC seems strong. Unfortunately for 'us', I'll be out of town for a few days this week, so there won't be much time to be together. I am looking forward to it as a break, though, I'll get a little time alone to think.
There are just times that I really wish he would initiate the hug - and be the strong one - and I would die for a passionate kiss, not to mention more...
Sometimes it's difficult to read the posts here asking specific questions about sex...as I've let myself be sexual again, the absence of sex hurts more...I know it should be more motivation.
heapmom wrote: ------------------ When he started yelling at them about something they couldn't possibly have done, I stepped in, and told him most likely it was me who had done it, so he yelled at me, and here he did use 'old' methods that he knew would get my goat, and a very fused convo ensued, ended with my getting very upset and storming off. ------------------
So, did he apologize to the kids for his wrongful accusation, and to you for treating you like a child?
Also, is there a reason he is permitted or expected to be a tyrant in your home? Otherwise, why would this be acceptable behavior?
Heapmom, at some point, you have to address this basic behavior. You deserve respect as does your husband. Respectful behavior is a lot more conducive to a decent relationship than yelling and screaming. You two can't possibly enjoy an extended emotional connection if you can't stop yelling, screaming and fighting.
I suggest that you learn how to defuse by not participating.
I know you are trying hard. We are all pulling for you! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
