I mentioned somewhere earlier today that I had just read through the self-confrontation section of Schnarch earlier today and had a revelation. I sort of touched on this just now in chocolateyes' thread, but I thought I would expand here.

I realized that I've been 'playing' the victim. Probably if you met me, you wouldn't think that - I come across as strong and self-confident, especially in the culture I presently live in, where the average person is very subdued, and blowing your own horn is very much discouraged.

Anyway...I saw that I've often set myself up as a victim on some level in a way to 'save face' - give me an out if I failed. I was self confident to a point - but I was afraid to go all the way - afraid that someone would find out I was faking it.

I have an awful time asking for help, or admitting weakness. So how does someone like that let their H control them? Easy: H complains the house is a mess, I can't let him think I can't do it, so I add that to my list of chores. I don't want to get H upset, so I do what I can to keep him happy, without caring that it's making me resentful. Real P/A stuff.

Like I said in choco's thread, my cries for help were most likely taken as whines of a 'martyr'. For good reason. I was miserable, so I wanted everyone else to be as well. I resented H, wanted him to feel bad, to understand how I felt.

Tonight I confronted H about the finances - the fact that I have no idea of what's going on. A week ago, I couldn't have even considered bringing that topic up, now I was able to see it as so seperate from my identity that it didn't bother me at all (blatent pat on back here!! )

At first I though H understood when I explained that since I had no idea of our finances, it took away all value of money to me, and I was afraid that I was learning a very childish attitude toward spending.

H laughed when I told him I felt like an employee, and I told him it was no laughing matter. H then offered to turn over the whole business of bookkeeping to me. I didn't let him get away with that, either, and it gave me a good chance to 'butter him up' since he is very very good at keeping track of our finances, and I really do appreciate it. I explained that I just wanted to be an equal partner, and to know what was going on, so that I had an idea of how much I could or couldn't spend.

H continued to say he couldn't understand what I meant. I'm sure I'm going to have to go back to this several times before he's comfortable with me being his equal.

And yes, I think this has everything to do with sex (doesn't everything ). Until H sees me as an equal here, how can he in bed???