I am 1000% certain you are right, but still have a hard time drawing her out. Men often get accused of not being "understanding," and yet in our marriage, at least, it's usually me who's trying to get her to open up more about what she's feeling.
I think she knows that I will call her on her b.s. when she pulls the "martyr" thing, and says she's "tired," "beat," "overwhelmed," etc. I know as "Martians" we're not supposed to offer SOLUTIONS all thle time, but rather are to LISTEN, but when she complains that she's overwhelmed, I tend to tell her that she needs to delegate more work to the kids, since I already work harder around the house than most husbands do, or that frankly I even care to.
When she points out that she doesn't get to do what she wants to do, or have fun, or doesn't feel like she's accomplishing what she wants to with her life, I usually call her on that as well, and say "You can do whatever you want to do, and I will support you 100%. We're the grown-ups here, and we merely need to let the kids know what's important to Mom, and what we're doing."
I guess my dilemna is, I'm supposed to be empathetic, and just listen and let her vent and not offer solutions all the time, but yet I also -- honestly -- feel she needs to be challenged and called out on it when her "martyr complex" kicks in. She KNOWS that what I'm saying is right, and yet she struggles to do it, and CERTAINLY doesn't want to TALK to me about it, cuz she's not going to get the sympathy she's apparently looking for.
Meanwhile, I firmly believe that in her head, this (she's tired, beat, unfulfilled and misunderstsood) is the way she excuses herself for not providing the affection that I've openly said I need from her.
