Your W sounds like me. I've been there!!! I was just about to deal with just this kind of thing in a new thread, but I'd address this here first.
And yes, for me anyway, it has everything to do with sex.
I'm a mother of 4 - I had 4 in 5yrs. no's 3+4(twins) were a surprise. It was the first time H + I had ML in 3yrs (and the last time we have...). In a way, I was glad they were twins, because that experience was so amazing in a wonderful way that it overshadowed any qualms I had.
I guess I was like that already with the girls - I can here myself saying all of the things your wife said. I was overwhelmed with reponsibility, and had no kind of emotional support. I wasn't capable of seeing what i sounded like. I thought it would be obvious to H that I was in over my head, and needed a strong person to step in and help me out, but I'm sure that like you, all he saw was a whining martyr.
I would have given anything for H to firmly take me by the shoulders and tell me to take some time for myself. Or better yet, to treat me like a woman, like an adult. To make love to me, hard and strong. I guess I needed a lifeline.
I'm slowly realizing that I can't expect anyone to understand that if I don't tell them. But under all that stress, I couldn't see that.
Being a full time mom is a very overwhelming job. It may seem on the outside that it's 'just' play, and even to the women doing it can seem rather mundane at times.
But often, you don't get a chance to finish a thought before you run off to the next fight, or hurt. You run around tending to others needs, at the same time trying to keep yourself strong, so that by the end of the day, you tend to forget who you are anymore. It's sometimes hard to seperate your own needs from the needs of the kids.
I really needed to wallow in my self-pity at times, and I would have loved to just have H listen without offering solutions. Sometimes I just needed to sound like a demanding child, to get it out of my system. If H could have laughted 'at' me, in a loving, can you hear yourself kind of way, I think I could have joined in.
Realize, please, that your W is making an invaluable contribution to your family. I would say it's because she's from such a strong family that she feels this way - she is struggling with feeling overwhelmed, and not wanting to feel that way.
I wish I could better tell you how to help her, but try to realize, to her, these things are not easily fixable. Maybe at some point when she is calm, ask her what she needs. No demands from you, just support and understanding. Does she have other women, mother friends? Sometimes talking with others in the same sitch can help a lot.
