Just had an ugly week. Not that anything is necessarily wrong, but that I'm mostly lonely. I've been in Denver seven months, first staying with my parents and for the past two months it's just been me and the dog. I want to start my life, but I'm not inclined to start it without my H. Heck, by the time he gets here (and now he's putting off the move date again) I could have an entire life of friends and activities that have nothing to do with him.
Anyway, I've gained three pounds this week... most of it cookie dough. I'm unbelievably bored and spending a lot of time in my own head imagining if things were like this or like that, but not actually living my life. At what point do I throw in the towel and say "If we can't have a life together, then I want a life of my own?"
Sitting around here waiting just bites. Listening to my H go on about his eternal guilt over it, isn't exactly attractive either. I hear a lot of that, but not much about how he's getting off his butt to do something about it.
Today, instead of installing the duct work in our bathroom he spent the morning on "a personal goal." Nothing wrong with personal goals, but this one was stupid... he's determined that he will teach his brother's cat to use the cat flap to get into their garage??? Message loud and clear "Training my brother's cat is more satisfying and more important than finishing renovations on my house so that I can live with my wife." Or perhaps the message is "I'm afraid that I'm a failure so I'm going to set myself up for failure by not even attempting to try." So naturally, I sit on the phone listening to the blow by blow of the many hours spent following a cat around the house, luring the cat into the garage, prodding the cat toward the door, etc... and I nod and say "oh wow... oh cool... oh of course..." Because a) I want to be supportive, b) I don't want to nag about the house and c) I don't want to hear him whine about how sorry he is that he hasn't finished the renovations yet. So clearly I'm not taking care of myself... I'm putting my life on hold, which is not good... especially since it's starting to make me alternately depressed and angry. As for my H, he's not looking entirely attractive to me right now... no action, no activity, just a lot of guilt and complaining. Did I really start piecing just to put up with this crap?
